Hello vinnyboma, welcome and yes, I believe you may have asked the million-dollar question haha... several of them in fact!
In all seriousness, I hear you saying that in the slings and arrows of nearly 10 years of marriage, with two young children, your sex life is the one issue that has been consistent over time. Your attraction to your wife has not changed, perhaps even gotten stronger, while you feel that her attraction to you has lessened. While many of your questions are about sex drives, how to change them, what is normal, etc, I also hear you saying that this is more than a sex drive problem for you. It's about the feeling of intimacy, and the flip side of that, feeling rejected by the person you love most in the world.
You've tried doing many of the things people typically associate with being a 'good husband' - sharing housework, meals, and childcare duties, being intimate physically without being sexual, but at the end of it your wife has said the one thing she'd change about you would be your sexual desire for her. It also sounds as though you feel that unless you tone down your desires for sex, that your marriage will not last. Do I have this right?
In response to your last question, how do you lower your sex drive? There will be many opinions out there on that question, and better experts on it than myself. But it did get me thinking, if you were able to take some sort of magic pill that did this for you, would that change your feeling of being rejected? Would it improve that feeling of intimacy you're seeking? I'm sorry I have no easy answers for you, but I really do feel how hurt you are by this sense of rejection, and how hard you're trying to make things better. If I could end on a more positive note, what is it that has kept you together (and still together) for nearly 10 years? Despite how rejected you feel, you are clearly doing a lot of things right. Keeping a marriage together is not easy.
