How to be supportive when your being pushed away?

[Minnie_M]

Hi,

today my partner of 7 years has decided to end our relationship because he believes his depression has gotten worse and he believes that he can’t be in a relationship and try to get better at the same time. He mostly feels like he isn’t good enough for me and he feels like he is constantly letting me down or disappointing me.

Obviously this isn’t true and I do not feel that way at all.

I guess the the reason I’m posting this is because I’m quite torn. I want to support him through this, I want him to know that I value and appreciate him and his the best thing that has ever happened to me... and I want him to believe it.

Ive tried telling him, but words don’t seem to get through.

Just wondering, for those of you that suffer from depression, what helped you the most? What were the things that your partners, family members or friends that made you feel supported?

its really hard to be there for someone who keeps pushing you away.

[Doolhof]

Hi Minnie M,

Welcome tot he forum and the community here. There is a thread here on the forum called something like "Men Isolated" started by White Knight. I am not sure how to explain to you how to find this thread. Hopefully someone else here will be able to do that for you! I'm a little technologically challenged.

Would your partner be up for some counselling? I know it is sometimes difficult for men to accept this.

There is information available on the Beyond Blue site that may help you to better understand depression in men. I find reading helps me gain more understanding.

Are there activities and thigs you and your partner used to enjoy doing together that you have not done for a while? Could you do something he used to enjoy?

Can you surprise him with a totally different activity? Go bowling, to the movies, to a footy game, to the beach, to a park, to the zoo perhaps.

Maybe just sitting with him and telling him how much he means to you might help, even though you have tried this, telling him often might help.

Buy a card or write a letter expressing your love to him.

Is your partner seeing a Dr or receiving any help for his depression?

Hoping yo come up with some way of getting through to him. Depression can make a person feel the complete opposite to what is actually going on around them!

Cheers to you from Dools

[blondguy]

Hello Minnie M

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for being here with us!

Im sorry about what you have been through....and especially being told the reasons you have Minnie. You are spot on that it isnt true as I have had clinical (diagnosed) depression for 20+ years and to have a partner that can support us is a gift.

I dont blame you for feeling torn at all. Its usually the other way around with the partner without the illness leaving the person with depression. (Just my opinion through years of this awful illness)

Can I ask if your partner has actually been diagnosed with depression? (just so we can support you more effectively)

To answer your question....what has helped me the most was a supportive partner combined with regular visits to my GP/counselor....Weekly is best....fortnightly is great...and monthly is fine. Also a network of friends/relatives as a support network is great after being diagnosed with this illness. My family didnt really understand...but I had 2 friends that were there for me when I was stuck

I went through this awful illness mostly on my own. I would have given anything to have a supportive partner at the time. It wasnt meant to be.

No disrespect towards your partner in any way Minnie. His reasoning to terminate a relationship makes no sense to me from what you have posted

Minnie...the fact that you have had the courage to post not only means you are proactive with your relationship and your well being to find some balance/understanding about whats happening

I really hope you can post back with your thoughts

Paul

[geoff]

Hello Minnie M, a warm welcome to you and I had written my reply but I pushed something and lost it, never mind, I'll start again.

I'm sorry that this situation has suddenly occurred because you are showing him the love you want to give him.

Depression carries a dark cloud over anybody with this illness, at first words can't get through, until there is a gap, then help will be able to get through, at the moment he doesn't have this opening.

People tend to want to be by themselves because they don't want to hurt the person they love, even though that's not the case, all you want to do is help him.

If he does move away then at some stage he will want to contact you, probably at night time and if he does drink then he will be upset, but let him talk as much as he wants to, and try not to ask too many questions because if this happens then he will close up.

I won't say what Dools and Paul have already said because they have made good comments.

All I want to say is that you need to try and retain your strength and if you need help then please get as much as you want, because as he recovers there will decisions he makes that will require gentle direction by you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.