How often is too often?

[unicornprincess29]

Hey all, just curious on people’s thoughts as to how often is too often to think about what life would be like/if you’d be happier without your partner? (Not necessarily because you have someone else you want to be with).

I understand it’s natural for some people to have these sorts of thoughts every so often, but how often does it have to be before it becomes attributed to an obvious issue in the relationship?

[Melstar]

Hi unicornprincess29 well that’s a question I have been asking myself for many weeks now and I still have no glue on the answer

I hope u find the answer but as many people are telling me u have to be happy and put u first and for me I’m struggling big time with both of them so I do hope u find your answer soon

[unicornprincess29]

Hey Melstar! Sorry to hear that you’re going to through the same confusion! Trust me, I know it sucks.

I think the hardest part is that I still have a lot of really great times with my BF, but then sometimes it’s the opposite, and it’s hard knowing whether it’s just a rough patch, or something more.

I hope things work out for you as well!

[Croix]

Dear Unicornprincess29~

I had a read though your other threads and found that at the time you were reasonably comfortable with your relationship, even if other family members were creating problems. So I'm sorry to see things are not so good.

You mentioned that small differences over music escalate and you had difficulties voicing opinions in that area. I guess as you said if that is your BF's area of expertise it might cause him to overreact.

If things are now spreading to unhappiness in other areas maybe it needs to be seen as a two-person problem. Do you think it might be possible to set out the things you are unhappy with and talk to your partner about them. In the past you had said he'd been understanding and supportive, perhaps now it is a question of not letting differences get out of hand or become over-important.

What do you think?

Croix

[unicornprincess29]

Hey Croix! 🙂 Sorry for the late reply, I get a bit busy with uni and work sometimes.

I know this sounds bad to say, but sometimes I feel as though I can’t talk to him anymore. A lot of things seem to escalate a lot more than they should. I think that’s part of the reason I feel unhappy sometimes, as before I felt I could have honest and open dialogue but now it feels more like I’m walking on eggshells and just trying to avoid arguments.

In contrast though, I’m actually going through a really stressful time at uni at the moment with final exams coming up and multiple assessments, so I’ve felt a lot of depressive feelings creeping up the last few days, and my BF knows and has been very supportive and loving as he usually is during these times.

So I guess what’s making me unhappy is this hot and cold nature he’s developed over then past few months. I mean he used to be pretty easy to read, and have a full range of emotions I guess... but now it’s either normal and happy, or really condascending and angry... there’s no in between (which I guess explains why I find it hard to talk to him).

[geoff]

Hi Unicornprincess, I think that's a question we often ask ourselves when we have had a disagreement with our partner, an issue where we don't agree on, one where there is no amicable solution, but it depends on how long the relationship has been going, or how much love there is between the couple.

The same applies to many situations when you always think of 'in hindsight', and I say this because if my wife (ex) and I had done what we wanted to do and not be talked out of making that decision, there perhaps our lives would have taken another direction, and in hindsight, a much better one.

Geoff.

[unicornprincess29]

Hi Geoff!

Yeah, I completely understand where you’re coming from. In all honesty, sometimes when looking at other couples in the past and seeing them have similar issues to the ones I’m having now... I always used to wonder why they chose to stay together. Obviously now I realise that things that seem concerning or like red flags to others we see through rose coloured glasses when it comes to our partners, and we’re always willing to give it that one more chance.

I honestly don’t know what I’m going now to decided to do. We’re actually going through a great period in our relationship now, contrastingly to the last time I posted. However, some of those small concerns I have and some of those worries like not being able to have open and honest dialogue all the time are still a niggling concerns in the back of my mind that I’m still assessing.

[geoff]

Hi Unicornprincess, not being able to have an ' open and honest dialogue all the time' does happen to all of us.

Imagine yourself when you were growing up, weren't there times when you wanted to say something to your parents, such as asking for a new bike, but the time frame wasn't right, because they had to buy a new frig or a new washing machine and didn't have the money, so you didn't ask.

There are certain times in any relationship when a moment is convenient for you to raise a question you've been sitting on.

These niggling issues can make you chose between option 1, to option 2 and so on, so talk to someone else if you want to.

Best wishes.

Geoff.