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How Must One Stop Being So Judgemental?

Community Member

Is there anyway at all for me to stop holding grudges and being judgemental about particular situations and people?
Due to basic human nature sometimes I unintentionally judge something and then afterwards feel enormous guilt. How must I move forward with my life and stop holding these grudges and carrying judgment? I essentially want to live peacefully without judging other people’s lifestyle. Their lifestyles should not concern me and if they are happy then that is their main focus. I don’t typically judge people’s looks because I find that quite superficial and destructive and I understand a lot of people have body dysmorphia and low self esteem.. but I do typically judge people’s lifestyles and actions. Like when people lie or cheat. If it doesn’t concern me should I still worry? Am I just nosy? Or is it basic human nature to want to be judgemental towards certain ways of the world? This is quite thought provoking.

thank you,


6 Replies 6

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor


It's definitely a challenging one. Such judgement can drive us crazy, definitely inviting elements of self-chastisement and guilt.

I've become a keen observer of human behaviour and have begun to find it all pretty interesting. It takes a bit of self discipline, to stand back and look at things objectively (without too much judgement). When you think about it, we've spent most of our life being taught and encouraged to judge. We're taught to 'spot the differences' (between our self and others, between what's 'right' and 'wrong'), so when you're trying to undo that sort of mental programming it can be a challenge.

I find it helpful to ask whether someone's behaviour is natural or not. By natural I mean it's natural to take risks in life, to want to be excited and happy, to want adventures, to be fearless and it's natural to not discriminate harshly between races, genders and so on. These natural aspects of self can be taught out of us for one reason or another, beginning in our early years. I believe it is healthy to be grounded to a degree with a skill set of caution and awareness so that we become balanced as we grow. Healthy grounding helps us maintain our natural self.

Is it natural to lie or cheat in life? I suppose it is to some degree. We've possibly all done it as little kids in one way or another but we are typically grounded in the concepts of personal responsibility, honesty and personal integrity. As social creatures, who make either written or verbal contracts with each other, these learned factors become significant. I suppose the question comes down to 'Why does a person lie or cheat?' Is it due to learned behaviour, fear of some kind, lack of self discipline, lack of grounding or a lack of impulse control or is the person who cheats naturally not suited to a life of fidelity in the case of a relationship? Other couples may be in agreement to an open relationship because they are naturally happy to explore some excitement and adventure beyond the relationship they share with each other. In this case, they are grounded in their honesty with each other. Personally, not my thing but each to their own. Nature itself is filled with a variety of relationships.

I find when curiosity and questioning replaces judgement, many surprising revelations come into being. A very natural aspect of self is to ask 'Why?'. We do this as little kids yet are often taught to stop questioning. The judge in us soon replaces the natural detective in us.


Community Member

TheRising said...

“When you think about it, we've spent most of our life being taught and encouraged to judge.”

This is a fact of life in this world isn’t it?

I don’t know if I’m using the right words, but ‘judging’ has a final and critical element about it.

Even ancient religious texts warn against judging your brother, seeing a speck in their eye when there is a rafter in our own!

But wise evaluation is a safeguard for how we choose to live our lives, you know?

I hate lies and cheating. I have been lied to and cheated on.

But, the truth is, there are times when people lie and cheat when they feel trapped, psychologically weak and lost. It’s not honorable, but it happens.

I’m not inclined to put someone who has lied and cheated in a pigeon hole labelled ‘untouchable’.

But, I will definitely feel comfortable in evaluating how much I should trust them. I’d prefer to hope in the best from them, whilst recognising they have weaknesses that can come into play.

I don’t know, we’re all so many facets it seems to me of so many varying shades....it’s all there, good qualities and bad traits!

I really try to keep in a place of evaluation in terms of how things impact ourselves and others...and what path do I therefore walk?

Not sure if that all makes sense, but thank you for the thread...got me thinking this morning!

Something to chew over 🙂

Community Member

By the way Psychedelic,

In case my last post sounded like I think I have it all sussed in terms of my responses to life and stuff - I can talk the talk but don’t necessarily walk the walk.

Its a work in progress. I check myself, too often disappoint myself and then shake it down, put good principles into place and walk another step.

Judging and feeling the sting of a grudge hurts my mental well being 😎

I loved your commentary PhoebeWing. Thank you for posting it. Often we find ourselves in a situation where we hear or witness truly awful behaviour. Sometimes I just feel like saying "to hell with all the modern psychobabble and euphemisms. Let's just call out this garbage for what it is". Your post reminded me of the special nuances of human behaviour.

The sentence below is my take out message from you.

I’d prefer to hope in the best from them, whilst recognising they have weaknesses that can come into play.

Hi Betternow,

“Sometimes I just feel like saying "to hell with all the modern psychobabble and euphemisms. Let's just call out this garbage for what it is"

Had to smile, there is a lot of garbage out there, that’s for sure.

But people do get ‘stuck’ I think and maybe lose touch with the reality of their actions and lifestyles.

Good to hear you had a ‘take out’ from my post - I seem to gather ‘take outs’ from this forum everyday.

Very appreciative of this forum space to receive help and support, along with exchange of ideas and thoughts.

I wish I’d found it end of last year when I could barely breathe, I was so deep in the black hole.

Thanks 🙂

Community Member
Hi PF,

Have you considered going within yourself first and foremost and asking why you feel the need to judge their choices and lifestyles?

Are you trying to understand why people do something that could one day possibly hurt you or do you already feel pain, hurt and disgust for their lying and cheating?

My point here is I feel self inquiry would give you quicker results rather than looking externally for these answers.

Now, in saying that I do not condone lying nor cheating. In fact loathe it myself. Again for me I would need to do self enquiry. There are many reasons people lie and cheat. Of course nothing can ever justify being lied to or cheated on at all. Not all people who cheat nor lie are serial cheaters or liars. Some are serial cheaters and liars. There are deep reasons people cheat and lie.

I've lied before and I cheated once. The lying, not because I am a serial liar, it was out of fear of being abused. Cheating, I thought my partner no longer loved me and someone made a move on me. Not because I actively thought about cheating. I punished myself for a very long time for cheating. So there are many many reasons for things. If you look externally it will drive you mad. If you go within you may find more peace.