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HOW MUCH TIME IS ENOUGH TIME???
Good afternoon everyone.
I really hope you can spread some advice for my current situation which is difficult to cope with to be honest.
My wife and I are separating and she is moving out of our home at the end of April to have space to see whether she wants to come back and work things out between us. There is no other man involved and for me, I have no other relationship either. We have both remained faithful during our 26 years together but now, she needs time to see if US is what she wants in the future. We have both had our faults in the past for sure. For her it's certainly a trust thing and for me, it's more about how her time is spent when we were together.
We are living under the same roof right now (very amicably too by the way) but she has found a place to go as I say at the end of April. The house is not available until then but all I am hearing when we talk 'US' is that she needs her 'space'. We sleep in the same bed and we work together in our business too. It's just so hard because all I want to do is to start building our marriage again. My questions are as follows:
- My wife says she needs time and has said that she docent know how long this will be. Could be 3 months, 6 months, 12 months or even two years. I feel completely in limbo and feel that 12 months or two years is too long? It has already been seven weeks since she told me but the 'space' she needs only comes into play as and when she moves out apparently.
- In the time where we are physically separated, do we see other people? Not saying that I actively want to date now...far from it but do we keep those options open???
I am keeping myself busy and have taken up golf and am singing too now. I am just really scared that things won't return and at this stage if I had to guess, it would be very much 50/50. I also suffer with anxiety / depression, so my anxiety levels are out of control right now.
Any help you can provide would be great. Thanks people.
In my world, a separation means free for both. If she has the needs for space and that to her means separate abodes , then that means living single lives.
Hence I don't understand her "space" needs but I'm leaning towards her giving possible time predictions as an easy way to let you down.
I'm sorry to read of your situation as I don't see much hope in there. I'd suggest mentally planning for a permanent separation and planning a new life, seeing it as an adventure together with your grieving process.
Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get
Hi Mark, you have to at least appreciate your wife’s courage of conviction by planning to move out, finding a place etc. Not sure if kids are involved but this would of course add to the difficulty.
In my case my wife has given up on our relationship and hasn’t spoken to me for 5 months now. She says she doesn’t want to move out as she loves our house and plus she hasn’t worked in 20 years so doesn’t know where to start. We still sleep in the same bed but there is zero discussion.
I believe that your wife moving out for an extended time is a clear signal that your relationship is over. It doesn’t mean you have to fling yourself at the first girl that looks at you, it just means you have to start living for yourself.
i also suffer from anxiety and depression and have learnt a lot from my trusted psychologist and Psychiatrist. I have also learnt to say yes to friends instead of hiding at home and crying. I regularly go camping and 4wding with mates and this has become my happy place similar to your singing and golfing, I also spend as much time with my 3 daughters as possible who are the love of my life.
take care, seek help, say yes sometimes and remember you can’t love anyone unless you first love yourself.
all the best
Hello Mark, thanks for posting your comment.
Much would have gone on during your 26 year marriage, both good and not so good, unfortunately, the latter seems to carry more weight than all the good times you have both achieved, which is disappointing, but actually happens.
If the place for her isn't available until April, then you are doing what you want to do by playing golf as well as singing and she is doing exactly what she wants to do, so what this means is the separation will go ahead and both to enjoy your time apart because there is no point living together if don't entertain each other, so a decision about what to do with the place you're both living in now will need to be made, I'm sorry, that's what happened in my 25 year marriage.
If you want, then both of you may find another person to be with, and for whatever reason this is, is up to you, but it's possible someone at the golf club may interest you or a person you sing with, may attract you, and if this does happen, certainly means the end of your marriage.
You may eventually decide to talk with each other, however, I can't make that decision, it's how you feel.
Thanks to all of you that have replied. I must say that both me and my wife are still very amicable together. We both sleep in the same bed and chat each day. We both still watch tv every night and occasionally hold hands but mainly when she has had a few wines which allows her to relax and let her guard down.
One thing that has worried me since posting this message is that I did say yesterday that I could find a place to stay until she moves out at the end of April and her reply was that she has something booked most weekends (horses, friends etc) so who was going to look after our 15 year old boy if I did move out. To me (and I could be overthinking) this made me see the comment as me being here was a convenience so that she could do her thing. Not that I mind at all...I am more than happy to look after my boy, we get on amazingly well and can do stuff together. If I do mention leaving myself there is certainly a defence / wall that shoots up.
As I say, we run a business together and so the weekdays are always pretty hectic. We aren't fighting at all but I am seeing signs that maybe all isn't as it seems.
You've had some great replies and support from others but I thought I'd pop in with the perspective of a woman who works with her husband in a family business and who has been married to him for 30 years.
It would be a very hard thing to contemplate ending a 26 year marriage for most people, so I think it's entirely reasonable for your wife to want some time/space to think. It is entirely possible that your wife just can't commit to a time limit to give you a definitive answer about your future and that is why she's left it open (as opposed to an attempt to let you down gently). This is because your wife really has no idea how it's going to feel to be apart from you.
I'm wondering why this is all happening now. Do you know?
I don't know how old your wife is but I want to ask if you think she may be going through menopause? You don't have to answer here but I want to point out that this period in a woman's life is very challenging and it could be affecting her thinking and ability to show physical affection toward you. This is something you could potentially discuss with her but do it sensitively.
I think your wife has planned her weekends away etc to minimise disruption to you and the household between now and April. I know I would. This is because I would feel terribly guilty about being the one to potentially break up the family. I would want to make it as easy as possible on my husband and children. I would also be really worried about the business and keen to do everything possible to prevent and deescalate any potential conflict during this initial period of separation. For me, it would be about keeping the door to the marriage open and it reads to me like that's what she's doing.
I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation but give it some time. When you feel the time is right you can also suggest marriage counselling.
Kind thoughts to you
Hi Summer Rose.
Everything you have pointed out makes complete sense and to be honest I think you are right on the ball with what I am also thinking. My wife is 49 years of age but I am not sure if she is in fact going through Menopause...I don't think so but it does fit with the age.
I have suggested marriage counselling but she isn't ready for that as yet. I really shouldn't be worried about what others think of me but she has told a very large group of friends that we are separating and they are of course rallying around her to offer support. I don't think men in general have the same network of friends as girls but that could be something very stern typical to say. The only two friends I have are both connected with my wife's friends so I have nobody to really talk to.
The kind of good news now is that she has found a place to move into next week until the place at the end of April becomes available. I think this is a good start because at least we can start the process of separation rather than being in limbo for months. Maybe in that time, she will decide to give us a chance but I dont want to hold out hope as I feel it's very 50/50 right now. I also look at stats on the internet that say once a partner moves out of the home, there's only a 15% chance of reconciliation but again that could be just internet talk which is never that reliable.
I really appreciate your support. I know I will get through this but it's very hard.
Your situaution sounds very difficult and you must feel overwhelemed with emotions and confusion at the moment.
I want you to know that you are not alone, especially in these circumstances, however, it doesnt mean the end to your relastionship, if anything, depending on how you move forward through her desire to leave, this is the time for you to pause and reflect (think about) on what her feedback in the past has been.
If you want to keep your marriage, you will need to change yourself up a bit. There is a reason why she is wanting to leave and you have to dig deep and figure out what those issues are. Once you have esablished what her concerns are, work on ironing out the issues by focusing on improving yourself where needed.
This doesnt mean giving up or changing yourslf entirely, what I mean is learning to adapt to each other. This might be focusing on you, learning to be independent, taking up new hobbies, showing her some more interest but in a different way, listening to your Wife, supporting her and be willing to do things that you didnt do before.
You mentioned trust - if she doesn't trust you as a person, you need to turn this around by being a better partner and listening to what she is implying.
Maybe a romantic dinner, flowers, a nice small gift, something that shows her that you appreciate her. Sometimes, the reasons why people decide to leave a relationship (whether or not she has found someone new) is they do not feel valued or appreciated and a lot of the times we think they do, but we need to see if from their perception.Please know that you are
Like you, I think it’s positive that your wife has found a place to move into now. Living in the same house whilst separated would be very confusing and awkward.
However, I think it’ll be really sad and tough when she does leave. Give yourself some time to grieve and then I’d suggest getting busy.
You now have some great opportunities. One on one time with your son. Time to do some projects around the house, exercise or learn to cook new dishes. Most of all, time for reflection.
No one has a crystal ball but it’s not over yet. There is more to your story but I suspect it won’t be a straight line from A to B. You hang in there. This community has your back.
Kind thoughts to you
Wow Mark, thankyou again for sharing your story, believe me you are helping more people than just yourself.
Although menopause is not an exact science it seems your wife may be smack in the middle of it and it is an extremely hard time for women and their families.
I think the advice of using the time to self improve is the best. In my case my wife can’t bear to be in the same room as me so I have focussed on inner healing. I delight in spending time with my 3 daughters, cooking, reconnecting with friends and taking up new hobbies.
my life is so enriched that at present I don’t mind if my wife stays or goes. The reason for our demise is that I accused her of having an emotional affair with another man, I told his wife about it and now their marriage is also on the rocks. I would be happy for my wife to leave and move in with this other guy but i think she’s afraid of taking the step.
best Of luck sorry for hijacking your post