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How do I move on

Anie5
Community Member

My second husband has decided we are done. I have 2 teenage children. From my previous marriage. I have been with my husband almost 10 years, married almost 7 years. He wanted a separation after I had a major operation and in that time I have made things worse. He wanted space and I kept messaging him and then got annoyed with him and ultimately I have pushed him too far and now he's done. Moved out permanently last week and I just can't accept it, even though I known it's done. I have enormous trust issues and I have let that control my thinking and now it's too late. He is not blameless in this and I know deep down it's for the best but how do I move on? He has been quite strict over the years with my kids and his expectations of them have been way over the top. They don't have a relationship with him, they're always worried about what they're in trouble for next. Like I said I know this separation is for the best but I am just so sad for what we did have and the future we had planned. I guess I'm scared. I work, have a good job, I'm staying in our house until I can afford to refinance and pay him out. He's still going to contribute financially, so being very reasonable in that sense. I just don't want it to actually be over and feel so sad. I feel like i am going crazy actually. I have had to stop looking at social media, I'm finding all the happy people on there are making me even more depressed! I'm mad at myself for not giving him the time he wanted but he also abandoned me when I needed him most after my surgery. I'm probably not making sense, there's so much more to this but I know it's done. I just want to feel better and be able to function without crying at the drop of a hat! 

3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi welcome 

 

The grief period will extend depending on the individual. It's OK to allow your tears to fall.

 

Step parents need to be nurturing in their attitude towards  children. 

 

Having endured 3 past separations all over 7 years long, I can say that moving on entails keeping busy, hobbies, sports, interests, visit friends and after some time even dating. Slowly your rational thinking will outweigh your broken heart and it will all seem logical that you weren't suited.

I do think that when he wanted space and you continued to contact... he imo should have realised how hard no contact was for you. 

 

Give yourself time, keep distracted and be fair and gentle with yourself.

TonyWK 

 

Thank you, I appreciate your reply 😊 

Flashfire
Community Member

Hi Anie, 
I have recently ended a 31 year relationship, I ended it because I realised my partner and I had grown apart, that we were no longer on the same page and our values, interests and everything had changed and we were just two people living in the same house with little or no connection anymore. However when I said enough, there was a little part of me that didn't want it to end, a part of me that wanted her to take me in her arms and say, I am so sorry, I dont want to break up with you, I want to fix this relationship and live happily ever after with you. But of course that didn't happen. We are both hurting but each day the hurt gets less. I am learning to let go and I beleive that is the most important thing but letting go isnt just letting that person leave but letting go of the pain, the anguish, the thought patterns and learning some self love. Easy said, harder to do but in time the pain will go away. Think of it like this, you said you had major surgery. Does your surgical wound hurt as much today as it did on the day you had the surgery? No? Because it is healing, the pain abates in time, the would heals and yes you are left with a scar but even that fades with time. 
Sorry I cannot offer more and it may sound like platitudes but take it day by day, go for walks in a different place, if you live by the sea, take a trip to the mountains and vice versa. If you have a dog, go to a new dog park away from your usual area. Take the kids on a fun day out to a place none of you have been before. Indulge yourself in some self love, new hair cut, new clothes. Take care of you. Lee