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How do I help my partner and myself?

CattleMan88
Community Member
My partner has decided to leave me due to her battle with depression. I still cant believe that it has come to this, as we have had a plutonic relationship. She has said that she cannot put love into me if she can't do it to herself. I understand that you need to love yourself before loving another, but even though I've said ill be here for her and do whatever I have to do for her, she still believes that this is the right answer.Honestly, I feel like a part of me has been ripped out and yes, I would do anything for her so she can get the help in which she needs however at the same time i want her to be here with me. Is this selfish?One day she loves me and the next she decides this is the best decision for her so she can seek help.She has made plans to see her doctor and I'm glad she told me this. The decision wasn't made overnight, but she never mentioned anything about it to me over the past few weeks. Yes, i noticed her change and she had previously said to me thats the needed her space. I went from seeing her everyday and enjoying the things that we both love and brought us together, to seeing her once a week and now none.I honestly don't know what to do. She means the world to me and it hurts so much not only for me with how I'm feeling right now, but to see her suffer like this and for it to make her push me away.Do I seek help? My whole world changed for the good because of her, and for that I'm grateful. But now I sit at home alone and wish she was there to walk up behind me and give me that kiss and say she loves me.We had big plans for the future, as a couple and dreams like all of us have. I just feel helpless.I've never felt this way about anyone in my life, and like a flash she’s gone.Yeah I want her to get the help she needs and for her to feel like a normal person again. Yes one day i’d love to hear the doorbell ring and she’s standing at the door, i would greet her with open arms.I don’t care how long have to wait, i will be waiting for her and i hope she knows that.
58 Replies 58

topsy_
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello CM

I don't know if this is a good idea or not. Or if you are in a position to do it.

Could you think about just doing nice things for her ie sending her flowers or chocolates? Maybe some tickets to a movie or a play? Just nice little things that might cheer her up & remind her of you.

I wouldn't expect a response though. Maybe you could write "thinking of you today", "to cheer you", or "I'm proud of you".

Then I would do something for yourself each weekend. Did you have activities before you met your girlfriend? Can you go away for a weekend with a mate? The reason I suggest this is partly so you can have some fun but also so that if/when your relationship restarts you will bring a "whole" you back to your g/f.

The greatest gift you can give your g/f atm is to live a fulfilling life for yourself. She doesn't like herself but she'll will feel even more guilt if she thinks she has ruined your life too.

If you need to see your GP then do so, & what ever else you may need to do. I hope the ideas above may help.

Take care & be gentle with yourself, Lyn.

CattleMan88
Community Member

Here I am today, still in shock about what has happened. Why has the girl that said she loved me and was so happy at everything she did and everything we did together, left me? I have so many questions I will never have answers for. I feel sick, miserable and heartbroken. I have nothing left for me, as I’ve put all of me into her. I’m now here at home, all alone with no one to talk, or roll over and hug.I turn the TV off, to turn it back on. Staring at the blades on the fan as it spins around and counting every crack. Talking to myself, anything to make a sound.I told her I wouldn’t call, I told her I would give her space but I’m climbing walls that get me nowhere. I don’t think I can take this bed getting any colder. Just come over.We don’t have to miss each other, we don’t have to fix each other, we don’t have to say forever, come over.

My mind feels like a maze, constantly thinking about her, thinking about the little things. How she didn’t like her feet being touched, how she always wanted her nails to be perfect. Why is this happening to me? Why can’t she let me be there for her on this journey? I don’t want the whole world, then sun, the moon, I just want her to be my girl.I’ve gotten rid of my demons, I’ve got a few bad habits left, but there’s still one or two I might need her to help me get. Put some faith in me and someday you’ll see, we can look back and feel so proud of each other. I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow, the road your on leads you to where you want to go. If your faced with a choice, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. If a door opens and the next closes I hope you keep walking until you find the window. My wish for you is I hope your life becomes all that you want it to be, I hope your dreams stay big and your worries small. You never need to carry more than you can hold. I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too. I hope you never look back and never forget all the ones who love you and where you’ve left. Always forgive and never regret. I wish I could be there with you, I wish you could have had enough comfort in me to rely and depend on at the time when you need it most. Your always in my thoughts and I dream that one day we will meet again.

This is what I wrote down today. Not feeling good.

Hi C.M. I would look at today as a set-back. It's obviously been a day when not much has been happening in your world. When we experience days like this, everything seems 100% worse than ever. During recovery, there's going to be times when your gf will have some major set-backs too. Try to accept you're recovering too, you were with someone you adored, she's had to get some help in order to function as a gf should. Maybe seeing a counsellor/therapist would help you at this time. Do you have a Dr you feel comfortable with. If you do, now might be a good time to ask him for help, either short term AD's which would help control the depression you're suffering. You're in recovery so you need to talk to someone who could help you with the grieving process you're experiencing. Grieving doesn't always mean losing someone to death, it also means losing someone through a relationship break-up. I think your break-up is temporary, however, your gf is in recovery and needs to deal with that. Getting some counselling to help you with your grief would be beneficial.

Lynda.

Hi Lynda, I have talked to me GP about it and he believes I'm suffering anxiety. I am going back this week to see him and am going to get him to refer me to a psychologist so I can have a talk etc.

Yesterday I picked all of my belongings up from my ex partners house at her request. Things are still the same, I talked with her for around 30min and I didn't want to bombard her with questions. All I said was, I really wish she discussed her decision with me had she been feeling that way etc. She wants to keep ties and possibly meet up sometime. She doesn't know what the future holds, but is taking it day by day. She had her appointment today with her doctor, haven't heard anything about that yet. I've just said hope your appointment was good and proud your taking action.

I still feel lost and empty and today particularly I felt so lonely.

Hi CM

I just read your recent posts..I can feel your pain..big time. The lonliness is crushing but as Lynda wrote having a counselor now would be excellent.

I liked what you said "She wants to keep ties and possibly meet up sometime"

My best

Paul

Hi C.M Picking up your things must have been like a bomb shell hitting, make you feel as though there is no hope. Perhaps for now, getting some counselling and looking after yourself is the best thing. I understand that empty, hollow feeling you're experiencing, anxiety/grief brings all those feelings to the centre of your heart. I know it would've been better if your gf had discussed her feelings, but till she knew where she was emotionally, she couldn't tell you. Sometimes when we are on these emotional roller coasters, it's hard to find the right words to explain it to someone else. If she had tried to tell you, she might have said the wrong thing by mistake, rather than say something wrong, best not to say anything.

Lynda

Hi Cm,

have just read all of your story, all i can say and i know it is of little comfort, is that you are not alone and similar things happen to all sorts of people, try not to beat yourself up and let yourself get into a pit as well. Cry, be lost, be confused, drink too much well maybe not at first, actually not at first, save that for when you are in a bit of a better head space, but don't beat yourself up. Reach out to your friends, reach out to your family. When you do you'll be surprised who and how they are there for you.

Its horrible I know, i'm there as well. You think your doing the right thing, but sometimes you are just going to get pushed away no matter what you do. So don't second guess too much.

Hi Lost_husband_2016

(sorry to hijack your thread CM)

lost_husband_2016 said: similar things happen to all sorts of people, try not to beat yourself
up and let yourself get into a pit as well. Cry, be lost, be confused,
drink too much well maybe not at first, actually not at first, save that
for when you are in a bit of a better head space, but don't beat
yourself up. Reach out to your friends, reach out to your family. When
you do you'll be surprised who and how they are there for you.You think your doing the right thing, but sometimes you are just going to get pushed away no matter what you do. So don't second guess too much"


Thankyou lost...I really feel for Cattleman too. I just thought I would highlight what you wrote. Thankyou for articulating your great advice so well. I have been through the same as cattleman last year..You have also helped me out here a lot as well.

Thankyou Lost and CM for interrupting your thread ....Paul

Lost you are right, I have my friends and family here for me, they always ask how I'm doing. I appreciate them for that and it will probably be a debt I will never be able to repay.

Paul it's all good, if it helps you too then why not.

I have accepted that she wants her space, I make hardly any contact but I hope that one day she knows how much I fought for her and how far I went to save the relationship; and she's always come first. I don't want her to hate herself for that, I want her to know that I was willing and capable to be there through it. Im working on myself, I really am. I have friends that have and suffer from this illness as well and they are sharing tips and stories with me. I listen and I care.

I really am trying my best.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
hi CM, this may seem to be very optimistic for you at the moment and I appreciate that, but having to go through this will make you a stronger person, because we learn something everyday whether it's good or whether it's no so good. Geoff.