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How do I help my partner and myself?

CattleMan88
Community Member
My partner has decided to leave me due to her battle with depression. I still cant believe that it has come to this, as we have had a plutonic relationship. She has said that she cannot put love into me if she can't do it to herself. I understand that you need to love yourself before loving another, but even though I've said ill be here for her and do whatever I have to do for her, she still believes that this is the right answer.Honestly, I feel like a part of me has been ripped out and yes, I would do anything for her so she can get the help in which she needs however at the same time i want her to be here with me. Is this selfish?One day she loves me and the next she decides this is the best decision for her so she can seek help.She has made plans to see her doctor and I'm glad she told me this. The decision wasn't made overnight, but she never mentioned anything about it to me over the past few weeks. Yes, i noticed her change and she had previously said to me thats the needed her space. I went from seeing her everyday and enjoying the things that we both love and brought us together, to seeing her once a week and now none.I honestly don't know what to do. She means the world to me and it hurts so much not only for me with how I'm feeling right now, but to see her suffer like this and for it to make her push me away.Do I seek help? My whole world changed for the good because of her, and for that I'm grateful. But now I sit at home alone and wish she was there to walk up behind me and give me that kiss and say she loves me.We had big plans for the future, as a couple and dreams like all of us have. I just feel helpless.I've never felt this way about anyone in my life, and like a flash she’s gone.Yeah I want her to get the help she needs and for her to feel like a normal person again. Yes one day i’d love to hear the doorbell ring and she’s standing at the door, i would greet her with open arms.I don’t care how long have to wait, i will be waiting for her and i hope she knows that.
58 Replies 58

Hi CattleMan88, supporting someone with depression can be difficult and it is important that you look after your own mental health as well. It sounds like you have been having a rough time lately and seeking support is a great step. If you are feeling lonely or need to talk, please call Beyond Blue's Support Service on: 1300 22 4636. You can also find some good resources about self care on the website: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

Hi CM

Never having the answers can hurt...I can see you are in pain....Time off work and not eating isnt a good place to be especially with being 'isolated' so to speak.

I heard a heart surgeon talking about how evil the smokes are....but interestingly enough he also said that quitting during a separation is something he would never recommend.

I smoke CM but just for me...I couldnt take the meds to stop smoking going through what you are. We can only do so much at the one time...We are only human..and fallible..

Please take good care of you

Paul

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
hi CM, when someone is depressed there can be times when they are with other people that they can laugh, joke and have fun, but as soon as these friends go home then that they suddenly falls back into the black hole, so your partner maybe at a horse show and that could be her escape, but it's only temporary, as soon as she leaves this show then she too will fall back into her black hole.
You can't possibily be happy all the time, even if she does go to a horse show, as it's no different than someone putting on a pretend happy face, it becomes too exhausting and finally they give up trying to be happy.
If you feel as though smoking may help you then do it, not that's it's healthy but at the moment health may not be your priority. (I sorry for those who want to give up, but it can be tackled once again when you are feeling better. ) Geoff.

Hi CattleMan. This situation with your gf is not your making. This is something she's been trying to deal with for some time on her own. Everything she is doing is right for her, now. If you are trying to quit smoking, you are doing this for you. As for your meds, I would discuss with your Dr if you're unsure about taking it. Were helpline able to reassure you in any way? Perhaps this would be a good time to contact BB's helpline. We have people who are willing to listen, guide, support. When people suffer depression, if they can mentally walk away for respite, anything they do for this is as good as any counselling. I presume she is undergoing counselling, perhaps her counsellor suggested she go to the horse show for a 'breather'. None of this means her feelings for you have changed/altered at all. We all need to 'step back' to smell the roses etc. Her way is through her horse. shows. I'm sure when she's ready, she will contact you and arrange to meet/talk. Did you write to let her know you're there when she's ready?

Lynda.

CattleMan88
Community Member

I have such a good support base, but unfortunately my head is all over the place.

She read my letter, in kind, she sent me a message last night. She stated that she knew I would need clarification and wants me to try so hard to understand she needs to help herself. She's fallen back into that dark hole and needs to get out. She didn't want us to become resentful toward each other, when she's in this mainframe she finds it hard to care for others. To feel anything, she's feels numb. She doesn't want that to negatively impact on 'our' state of minds. She's hard on herself, she doubts herself and at the moment hates herself. All she can think about is how much she projects that hate onto others. She wants to learn to love herself and be kind to herself. If she's not her own priority now then she never will be. I mean a great deal to her, she doesn't want to think differently. I have been someone she's needed. The depths of her depression are hard to talk about, even harder when she's trying to explain things over and over again, it feels like she's reliving everything. There are some things she can never open up about.

She's really disappointed in herself that she has let her mental state take control and thats she's hurt me in the process of trying to get back on track. This was never her intention. She cannot give and part of herself to someone if she can't even give it to herself. She hopes she can learn to cope. She doesn't want to cut ties, doesn't want us to be strangers and doesn't want to resent or feel awkward. She just needs to help herself for a while.

She wants to give herself time and credit, some learning and try to love herself again and she feels right now she needs to do that without the pressure of worrying about someone else.

I said ill always be here, message, call, drop by, whatever you want, ill never be a pressure. You can always refer to my letter if it helps. She replied, 'Thanks, I plan on keeping it handy'.

Its just so hard for me because all my energy was in this relationship and now she wants to be apart I'm afraid and scared that we will never share what we once had, ever again. I know if were meant to be, then that will happen, but what if things change and she meets someone else in her healing process? I'd be worse than i am now. These are the things going through my mind. Its sending me crazy. I want to be healthy, so I can support her when she needs it. Theres no point both of us stuck in the dark hole.

Hi CattleMan. I understand your frustration, but your gf is in a place that is hard to get out of. With depression, to try to simplify the healing process, if you're not sure how it often works with the sufferer. Sometimes it can feel like a huge dark cloud that won't lift. It can also be like being down the bottom of a dark well where there doesn't seem to be a ladder to climb. To get the cloud to lift, the sufferer needs someone to help her get the strength necessary. If her/his partner can assist, so much the better. Often, no matter how much our loved ones want to, because we don't know how to, we can't. Being down the dark well is a similar feeling. Once we find the ladder, we still need encouragement for every rung. It's wonderful she acknowledged your letter, she now knows you're there. Knowing this, will help encourage her to start the healing. As she starts healing, her numbness will lift, it's a type of protective shield to stop her from being too hurt much during her recovery.

Try to remember, depression is an illness, like any other. It takes time for healing. Hope this helps.

Lynda

blondguy
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi CM

I know you are doing it tough and you also know I have been there before...I am relieved that you had a response too....You have tried so very hard CM. Lynda has always had an innate sense of wisdom that I dont. I do hope you can really read her advice...its gold.

If I can 'borrow' something you posted....if thats okay CM;

"She's really disappointed in herself that she has let her mental state
take control and thats she's hurt me in the process of trying to get
back on track. This was never her intention"

This is only what works for me especially as an ex boss that didnt know what depression was....

Depression is a serious Illness

just like diabetes or heart disease

Expecting positive thinking to cure depression is like expecting a person with diabetes to lower their blood sugar level by thinking happy thoughts

I think its great you had a response CM....Thats a huge bonus right now....

Please take good care

Paul


Lynda and Paul you are both right. Yes, it is an illness. I've leaned so much in a short period of time dealing with this. I am glad she responded to me, stepping back is extremely hard, but if it means I have to in order to help her, then I will. Adjusting to this and learning isn't easy, didn't expect it to be. I understand her fully, even though I want to be at her side helping her with this, stepping away in her mind will do the same.

The anxiety I have right now is whats keeping me on edge, constantly thinking what if. Thinking what could have been, what could I have done differently etc. I know its not my fault about any of this, and its not her fault either. I feel so sad and upset to see her having to deal with this. It breaks my heart to see her unhappy, this illness has gotten the better of her state of mind and she's fragile. Small talk helps i suppose because she was really happy to actually read my letter, after a disappointing weekend. I can see the impact its having, not only because she's left me, but because her horses are her life and for her to tell me the this has affected that side of it, thats very upsetting.

I will check in so often, just so she knows and can hopefully feel good that I'm 100% serious. I want to message her the morning of her appointment and tell her I'm proud of her for doing it and the support is here and hopefully afterwards I may get some feedback.

Everyone on here has helped me so much, this is something new to me, but it was something I had to do. I think ill always be connected to everyone here now. Ive still got a long and tough road ahead and when I'm not feeling well, or if I have good updates, you know you will hear from me.

Thankyou all.

Hi CM

Thankyou for writing back and your nice compliments too!

I just read your post " I feel so sad and upset to see her having to deal with this. It breaks
my heart to see her unhappy, this illness has gotten the better of her
state of mind and she's fragile"

You would be upset and are entitled to be so too. You are in love and good on you for speaking from your heart!

Your pain is real...and I know you miss your partner more than words can describe...

I know you dont feel strong right now....but you have a lot more guts than I do....I have only been on the forums since Jan this year....and I still miss my ex...

I hear you

Paul

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
hi CM, I'm pleased that there was a connection which is what you were hoping for, and really because of this it maybe a slow way for you to know that she has recognised you will be there for her, and to message her after her appointment is to crystalise your love.
Can I just mention that there could be times when she doesn't acknowledge your text, and as I've kept on saying it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it could one of her bad days where I know you would love to be there with her, but perhaps she just wants to be alone, please don't take any offence with her by doing this.
All of this I hope has made you understand what depression will do to somebody. Geoff.