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How do I help my partner and myself?

CattleMan88
Community Member
My partner has decided to leave me due to her battle with depression. I still cant believe that it has come to this, as we have had a plutonic relationship. She has said that she cannot put love into me if she can't do it to herself. I understand that you need to love yourself before loving another, but even though I've said ill be here for her and do whatever I have to do for her, she still believes that this is the right answer.Honestly, I feel like a part of me has been ripped out and yes, I would do anything for her so she can get the help in which she needs however at the same time i want her to be here with me. Is this selfish?One day she loves me and the next she decides this is the best decision for her so she can seek help.She has made plans to see her doctor and I'm glad she told me this. The decision wasn't made overnight, but she never mentioned anything about it to me over the past few weeks. Yes, i noticed her change and she had previously said to me thats the needed her space. I went from seeing her everyday and enjoying the things that we both love and brought us together, to seeing her once a week and now none.I honestly don't know what to do. She means the world to me and it hurts so much not only for me with how I'm feeling right now, but to see her suffer like this and for it to make her push me away.Do I seek help? My whole world changed for the good because of her, and for that I'm grateful. But now I sit at home alone and wish she was there to walk up behind me and give me that kiss and say she loves me.We had big plans for the future, as a couple and dreams like all of us have. I just feel helpless.I've never felt this way about anyone in my life, and like a flash she’s gone.Yeah I want her to get the help she needs and for her to feel like a normal person again. Yes one day i’d love to hear the doorbell ring and she’s standing at the door, i would greet her with open arms.I don’t care how long have to wait, i will be waiting for her and i hope she knows that.
58 Replies 58

blondguy
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello CM

Im sorry for what has happened to you. I have been left by someone too even though it was 2 years ago I remember the pain you have described.Its heart wrenching.

If I may ask you....How long has your partner had depression for? Also was she on anti depressants? This will help me understand her frame of mind.

You said: "She has made plans to see her doctor and I'm glad she told me this" This is a massive step towards recovery as some people wont see their doc and try to 'fight' or 'battle' their way through it which is noble but non productive if one wishes to heal.

It is not selfish for you to feel this way CM as you love her..your thinking is fine. I know you mentioned the relationship was a platonic one. Just asking if either of you wanted to take your relationship to the next stage where a strong commitment was concerned?

I have had depression for many years and understand where you are coming from. Have you offered to be with her (even later) at her doctors visits as a support person'?

I have had a girl also tell me that because she cant love herself she cant love me and left too. I just have trouble with this explanation as when anyone has depression they really appreciate a support person.

If you need a greater understanding of her depression scroll down below and click on the header 'Supporting someone' It will give you a greater understanding of what she is going through.

I do hope you can find a way. You are more than welcome to post as many times as you like.

Kind Thoughts

Paul

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
hi CM, again I'm sorry that this has happened as I know it would be devastating, although I was on the other side being depressed myself but my wife left me, so in a reverse situation.
You can't call yourself 'selfish' because you want her to be with you so that you can help her, but when someone is depressed all they want to do is be by themselves, but with me, I wanted my wife to be there but leave me alone, but I didn't want her to actually leave our house and move into a flat.
It is very hard for someone who is depressed to talk about what they are thinking or planning what they want to do, or going to do, because they don't their partner/spouse to start questioning that they could do something else which would be better and go against their own thoughts although this may not happen, it's very difficult for them to talk about it, and that's not your fault so please don't believe that it is.
You to have to realise that just because she has left doesn't mean that she won't come back to you, it's just that she is going through the terrible stages of getting help, understanding what and how she is feeling and certainly why should she feel this way, it's very confusing being there for her at the moment.
It is very possible for her to come back to you at different stages of her treatment, and as much as this will please you, she maybe very delicate which I know you will realise, and if this does happen just try and let her to start the conversation rather than asking her question after question, although I know you will want to see what has been going on, but your love and support will always do wonders for her.
I hope that you will keep talking to us. Geoff.

Blondguy,

She has been suffering for a while. She is diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes which lead into the depression and other things life deaths have contributed. She was on anti-depressants and had been on them for majority of our relationship. She once said to me 'You don't know me not being on meds, it will be hard'. Yet then at that time I accepted to be there for her and learn all about this condition and do what i have to do for her behalf.

Id love to be there for her at her appointment, but thats unlikely as she is pretty private with all of this.

There was no strain in this relationship to worsen her condition, it was simply put - 'I feel so bad that I've had to hurt someone in order to help myself. That itself is extremely hard. I cannot explain what goes on in my head, all I know is I need some time and space to focus on myself and not have anything else weighing in the back of my head.'

She believes that this is the road she must go down, but for me, I would want my partner there.

Thankyou for your reply.

Geoff,

Thats pretty much the whole thing summed up. Ive never had to experience this before, so its all new to me. Im doing the best I can, but what little I have left I would give to her so she could be better.

This is a relapse. I failed to mention that but it is. She thought it was time to get off her meds because she didn't feel normal, and more zombie like. So the doctor agreed that it had been sometime but a month or so after the fact, things started declining. I had mentioned that maybe its wise to start them back up again, however she said that I'm not going back on them and i will deal with it in the ways i have to.

Unfortunately for me, i was the one that had to be cut off. Not anything else she does, me. I do get that she needs to be right with herself before being able to love for me too. Its just hard and there has been no contact. Iodinate want to push her away any further then she is now.

Thankyou for your reply.

Hi CM

I do feel the same way you do....'if you were a sufferer you would want your partner there'

I wish I had someone here for me as a sufferer of this mongrel illness.

Geoff said: "just because she has left doesn't mean that she won't come back to you,
it's just that she is going through the terrible stages of getting help"

Geoff is spot on here CM ..I just read his post.

you are very welcome to post back as many times as you wish CM

Paul

Blondguy,

Yeah your right, i'd love nothing more than to be there with her to help in whatever way I could!

What Geoff said is true, but the hard yards are just beginning and I hope I can get through them.

I will be posting everytime I need to.

Thanks.

pipsy
Community Member

Hi CM. All I can do is reiterate everyone else's replies here. Perhaps once your gf has dealt with her demons she may feel stronger. I get the impression she may feel guilty because she can't give you what she feels you deserve. Not because of anything you portrayed, but because of her inability to let go of whatever demons are there within her. Actually she is to be congratulated for being upfront enough to tell you how she feels about the way she thinks she's treated you. Note I said, the way she THINKS she's treated you. She's obviously terribly confused about herself, you, everything in her life at the moment. I would let her know you're there if and when she wants to resume the relationship (I feel she will resume). Also let her know anytime she wants to talk about her progress, you're there. I think she just doesn't want to hurt you anymore than she thinks she has. Do you know who her Dr is. If you do, perhaps a letter to him letting him know you're there for her, might help him, help her. I get where you're coming from, how confused and hurt you are. This is about her. Her battles, her uncertainty, her feelings of not being able to love herself. She needs to understand love too. Love is lots to understand, it means different things to different people. It's the hardest four letter word every written. Harder than work.

Lynda.

Hi Lynda,

You are right in saying that she thinks she can't give me what I deserve. She has said that her emotions for everything have gone and she hated that I had to feel unloved all the time, so to speak. She does think that letting me go will ease up the pressure on her, knowing that she can concentrate on herself 100%. I stand by this.

I want her to get the help she needs and want her to be in a good place, not having to end a relationship because she feels that its the only way.

Im hoping that this relationship will resume once she can figure her head out. We always said that we were a team and right now thats not so much.

Thankyou for your words.

Hey CM,

I just read a few words off Lynda's post that really made solid sense..

Lynda Said: "Do you know who her Dr is. If you do, perhaps a letter to him letting him know you're there for her, might help him, help her"

I still have 'realistic' hope for both of you CM...

Paul