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How do I get past that my Fiance cheated on me
I have been having a sad few days, having a bit of trouble getting back on track this time.
I found out at the end of May this year my Fiance had been in contact with a fling he had when we were taking a relationship break during 2012. We got back together late 2012. We got engaged 2012 and bought a house together two years ago, living together. He has 3 children by two previous wives and I have two teenagers that live with us from a previous marriage.
When I found out about her I was naturally deeply devastated, I explicitly trusted him. It turned out she is married, has been scamming her husband and several other men, she only wanted money and gifts from all of these men, told my fiance a complete life story of lies. He developed feelings of compassion, and love for her over these years, they were telling each other they loved each other. He was working towards leaving me to be with her May. I felt something was wrong in our relationship, that is why I started snooping around.
When I confronted him May the cover ups and lies started, but he confessed then ended things with her; her marriage was blown to pieces and consequently our relationship has suffered. In a moment of time I went from explicitly trusting my Fiance to suddenly seeing a different person and not trusting him at all.
Over the last 3 weeks I have received information from her husband of a phone account. I asked my Fiance about it and he came up with a crazy story of IT hacking etc etc and use without him knowing of which I don't believe, he had created that phone account so she could freely make calls to him and this account was created at the time I found about their "affair".
He told me that he chooses me, never slept with her, he was falling in love with her but regrets it all, feels stupid, used and remorseful, terrible he has broken our trust, he said he ended it with her mid June this year and severed ties then, he said he wants me forever and will never do this again, he will be true, loyal and will love me better than he has.
I don't know how to get past this sadness and insecurity to gain trust again. When I try to talk to him he will only talk about it for a short time then shuts me down and wont talk, he tells me he loves me and hates it when these things pop up where I need to talk about it; as far as he is concerned it is in the past, he has paid penance and wants us to forget etc. I would greatly appreciate any advice.
Something like this will certainly upset you to no end, as it would for me, as often as I have said many times in marriage it's trust that you both have entered into by marrying someone, it's expected and there is never any question as to why it should be queried, but as soon as your spouse crosses the line then your trust of him is suddenly queried.
I have to say this but he has been married twice before, so any indications of why they ended you don't know about, although he has probably told you why, however, are they the right answers, at the time he mentioned them to you then you did believe what he was actually saying, but maybe now you might be wondering what did happen.
As sad as it is when someone in a marriage has an affair, and I say this because I'm sure my wife (ex) was doing something behind my back, I could never trust them again, but this doesn't mean you should feel that way.
Once he has done something like this, then you aren't sure if it has happened before this one but was clever enough to conceal it from you, I wouldn't trust the words he says to you that it will never happen again, as the two previous marriages have failed, but it's your decision, and I feel that you need to go and see your doctor, because you have to decide what you are going to do.
I'm so sorry if my reply has upset you, I didn't mean for this to happen, but please I hope that you are able to come back and talk with me if and when you need. Geoff. x
I think you should read this
Hi Sandy, welcome to the forums.
Perhaps your question could be reworded..."Can I go past that my fiance cheated on me ?". It sounds like your fiance was dishonest with you on more than one account, first by cheating and then by trying to cover up with stories. So your wariness is understandable.
Whether you can forgive or not depends on the way you feel about this. Some people can overlook the indiscretion and give the relationship another chance, others will want to run for the hills and move on. Forgiveness is one thing but please be aware that not being able to forget could get in the way of the relationship in the future. Once doubt has been introduced, suspicion may easily be triggered again whether it is justified or not.
Navigating the Relationships section of the forums may give you different insights from different people into infidelity and its aftermath. But at the end of the day, the decision is yours to make. Be prepared to give it time and a lot of soul searching.
I wish you all the best.
I'm sorry you have been through such a hard time recently.
I don't think that something like that especially with so many details will go away. The hurt, the distrust, the lies. They may remain there for awhile but in time, they will fade. I truly believe some people have the ability to change but whether you are able to trust that he has changed is a different story and unfortunately, you have to make that decision and hope that the advice that we all give you leads you down the right path.
I don't think forcing yourself to forgive him is the right way to go because you be resentful towards him and end up loathing him and the situation even more than you did to begin with. Take baby steps and see where it both leads you and hopefully, it has a positive ending (for the sake of your children and for the sake of your love for each other).
What would he say in regards to getting relationship counselling to not only strengthen the relationship you have and help you trust him again?