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How do i get over my ex??

Community Member

Its been 7 months since he left but its still as raw as it was day one. So much has happened in the last 7 months to make me want to hate him, for how he has treated me and our children and i hate the things that i have done and person i have become out of hurt and frustration.

During our relationship he cheated on me a number of times, one of those times while i was in labour with our daughter. He has at times made me feel like i was nothing,like our daughter who we planned to have together was nothing and i have given up so much of myself to try and make him happy. But nothing compared to how the last 7 months have been but now im just so lost.

During the last 7 months he has ignored me so much. He hasnt paid a cent towards our daughter, never asks how she is going or my son who looked at him as a father for the last 3 years. Ill be trying to organise a time to see the children with him and ill say something he doesnt like and he will hang up on me (it doesnt have to be something mean directed at him, maybe im busy with something on a particular day so he hangs up) and this has made me so frustrated that i stupidly call him so many times trying to speak to him again. One day i think i called him 100 times.. its so stupid and pathetic but i cant stop myself from doing it.

I just want to be heard and i get so frustrated when he doesnt even try even for the sake of the kids. In the last 7 months he has seen his daughter 5 times.. once even coming to my house to drop something off and she and my son were out the back playing and he didnt even bother to stick his head over the fence to say hi to them. It makes me so angry.

This last weekend i tried to organise a play with my 2 kids and his other daughter as they all miss each other terribly but when i got to his house he had changed his mind and wouldnt let his daughter come play. We argued and i stupidly got out my car and keyed his car (coz its the only thing he really cares about) and ended up with me being thrown on my bum which i deserved as i shouldnt have done it.

I dont know how to stop loving him, for who he used to be. I am struggling to give up on having my whole family back. I want to stop all my stupid actions, its so far from who i really am and feeling the need to tell him how his actions are affecting me when at the end of the day i know he doesnt care.

How can i move past all the hurt and forget about the love, family and hopes and dreams i once had

11 Replies 11

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear New Beginnings

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. So pleased you have found your way here. I know this takes a lot of courage so give yourself a pat on the back. I am also very sorry you are going through this horrible time.

I have been in a similar situation to you and I understand the hurt you are experiencing. It is hard to give so much to one person and then have it thrown back in your face. What I want to say to you may feel a little uncaring but I assure you I have been there and I know how it is.

First of all I want you to get some legal advice. If you google Women's Legal Service in your state and then phone them they will arrange for you to have a couple of free consultations about your rights and about getting maintenance from your ex. It is important that the legal side of your relationship is settled, including access to your children.

I think it would help you to talk to a counsellor about your grief. Relationships Australia is a good place to go. They do not charge or only a small amount. You can also go to your state Anglicare counselling service. This is free.

That's the easy part. From what you have written it sounds like your ex is quite a bully and has no respect for you. You have done nothing to deserve the bad treatment he has given you. He had no right to assault you for damaging his car. Yes you should not have done this but it gives him no right to harm you. I feel you are quite afraid of him and I don't blame you.

You have spent all your time trying to please him. Marriages are not supposed to work this way. I think you have done this as a way to keep him with you and in return he believes he has a right to do whatever he likes, including having affairs. I know how much this hurting you and I would really like to take your pain away. I can't but I can support you through BB and make suggestions to help you get your life in order.

You are right in saying you should not keep trying to contact him. This is very hard I know. Please keep a record of all the times you have tried to arrange for him to see his daughter and also record his treatment of you and his children. Things like arranging to see them and then changing his mind.

I would love to say stop making any more arrangements as I know your daughter misses him. The hurt and disappointment are worse when he refuses at the last minute. Talk to a lawyer as I have suggested above and be guided by them in this matter.

Please continue to write in.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello New Beginnings, sometimes the person we want back could be because we want the family unit back together once again, hoping and wishing that if this does happen then the situation would be full-filled and all will be happy, but unfortunately he has left, he had affairs going on behind your back, and hw won't answer any phone calls, especially 100 this will only make him more determinated not to come back home.
I'm sorry this may sound to be tough on you, but my ex took our 2 boys and left me, well I've forgotten how many times, and each time I begged her to return but only on her conditions each and every time, there were no 'if's or but's' all or nothing, until the final time when our sons had grown up, she left for good and then divorced me.
We used to talk regularly but now she always has an axe to grind and criticises me on everything, so now I don't want any contact with her unless it's one of our 2 g/children's birthdays, who are 4 and 2 years old.
The love that you once had for him has gone, as it is for him, he doesn't want to be involved with you any more, he has tried to make this clear, and in a relationship 2 people have to love each other, and not just 1 person loving their partner while the other doesn't.
Arguments will only prevail if he did come back but he doesn't want to be with you or the children, and you have scratched his car and tried ringing him 100 times, that's all in annoyance, and I wonder whether you want the split to be on your terms not his, sorry.
I don't mean to offend you but for me when it was happening, I couldn't live with my ex ever again and have to cope with all the crap she would give me.
Please tell me off if you want to. Geoff. x

Community Member

Hello, I can completely relate to your issues. With me it is my wife who refuses to show me any respect or love no matter how much I try. It tears me apart that she has kicked myself and my daughter out of our home, now going on 10 months, because she found my daughters behaviour unacceptable and too much to deal with and some how it was my duty to deal with it alone. I have been living a nightmare ever since staying with relatives with my daughter and managing her hurt and mental health as she no longer wishes to have any contact with my daughter. I have always loved my wife with all my heart and now she has abandoned me and my daughter. When I do have contact with her she does not communicate with me, will not ever call or text me to see how I am managing, it's always me to initiate the contact as though she sees herself as the one who deserves to be pursued, like its above her to try and reach out to me. Like you I get so down after a period of no contact and just can't avoid the urge to make contact again with her. I guess as mentioned above I still cling to the thought of getting our family back together again to what it once was. These were mostly good times when her and my daughter weren't engaged in conflict. I know she must enjoy the power she feels in this, she is a control freak with very high sense of entitlement and sees herself as someone who does not have to lower herself to "crawl" back to her husband. Her arrogance is unbelievable. I would like to cut all contact with her if I could but for some reason I just can't cut loose. I understand what you are going throug, it is so painful.

So many times i have thought about talking to a lawyer about everything but i always back out thinking if i do i will make things more complicated for him and he will hate me even more.

He tells me he still loves me and wants to be with me but just wants to figure out why he does these things to people he loves because he doesnt want to hurt me anymore.. But then he tells me how he just wants to go to partys and if a girl wants to he will stick his dick in her.. i dont know what to think anymore.

The thought of him with someone else makes me physically ill

The love i had for him hasnt gone, that is my issue. I still feel like i want to be with him for the rest of my life. We made the decision to have a child together because we wanted forever together and i guess that has become foggy for him.

He still says he loves me and wants to be with me but just needs time to sort out his issues.

Im well aware that all the phone calls and the car scratching was completely stupid and i feel terrible about it.

As for the split being on my terms.. i dont want there to be a split. I know he cheated and i was prepared to try and work on the reasons why he felt the need to. I want to keep our family together

Im sorry you are going through that situation. I dont know how anyone can turn there own child away like that.

Its so hard because things happen and i automatically think of him to tell and he says he wants me to tell him and keep him involved but when i do its as if im taking up too much of his time..

I wish i could switch off my feelings but i just dont know how. Its gotten worse over the 7 months not easier. Im so miserable

Community Member

There might still be love there New Beginning, but it doesn't sound like there is much respect. Any one of the things you've described is reason enough to end a relationship - cheating, ignoring his children, physically assaulting you. Please do correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the impression that deep down you feel responsible or like you deserved this treatment for not being "better". I know what that feels like, I know what it's like to desperately need validation that you're worth loving. I know that it feels even more valuable to get love and respect from someone who has so little to give - they chose me, I must be special. That kind of low self-worth gets so deeply ingrained into us that it's hard to find way out. Usually we need the help of a counsellor or psychologist to do it. But it's worth it. It's so much easier to let go of toxic people when you like who you are and you know you deserve kindness. I could be way off base here, and if I am I am sorry. I just recognise some of my own struggles in you and in my experience the key to switching off love for someone else is to switch on the love for yourself.

I dont love who i have become, i dont love anything about my life besides my kids. Theyre all i have and i struggle to provide a life they deserve. Im so over my life and to be honest wish i could end it but know if i did they would be separated and probably never get to see one another again.

It's understandable that you feel that way, you've had someone reinforcing your worst beliefs about yourself for a long time. But it can get better, with support. You are very clearly a great mum who loves her kids and wants the best for them. If that's what gets you through for now until you build your self-confidence back up, that's enough. But it really does help to have someone in your corner. If you visit your GP or Relationships Australia, they can put you in touch with a counsellor. It's ok to ask for help, you are worthy of it and you deserve it.