How do I get over losing my best friend and love?

[Azura007]

I was in a long term relationship. We started as best friends, and love gradually came along. We would talk, see each other everyday, laugh and cry together, never fight over things unless there was an actual reason, and never fight for more than an hour without making up. We talked about everything and anything, sharing our thoughts, fears and dreams for the world together. I suffer with mental illness due to childhood abuse and surviving cancer. I always made sure i didnt put my burdens on her. We agreed that she would give me space when i needed it, and at first that worked. But she would get upset if i asked for space, and would appear at my door crying. I would always make things right. Apart from the occational disagreement, things were amazing, and i started organising to propose to her. That changed two weeks ago. She spoke of a friend of hers liking her, i wasnt bothered by this, we had had stages in our relationship where we would see other people with permission. I had complete trust in her, and thought nothing of this friend. That was until she told me her friend was falling for her. After explaining to her that this made me uncomfortable, she said i was being unreasonable and she wouldn't change.I told her that it wasn't good for me to stay in such a situation and would leave. She made me stay and sorted the situation out, all is perfect again,or so i though. A week passes and she begins ignoring me when she cancels plans without explaination. 12 hours hours pass she finally answers the phone. She won't tell me what i have done wrong, but says she will see me in a few hours. We argue as she tells me we are toxic for each other, that she has been spending time with the other person behind my back and had cheated on me with another person on 3 seperate occations. Never before in our years together had problems been mentioned, nor had we argued more than an entire day in our lives together. We agreed that we wanted to work it out and go to see a psychologist, and she said she wanted us to work. We kiss goodbye with plans to see eachother later and that was cancelled i was ignored and i broke it off as she was going to break it off with me. I ask if we can be friends she said maybe if she can trust me again and her last words to me were that this other person had helped her realise i am manipulative, because i told her that i didnt know if i could live without her. I am starting to blame myself for everything am i manipulative? I dont know anymore

[Guest_1584]

l'm so sorry about your sitch , been there l'm afraid.

I can't really offer much unfortunately but affair partners usually do start whispering in her ear . They want her to leave you so the badder they can make you the better..Problem is , the partner usually listens to it too.

l'm not sure if you were or how things really were between you and don't wanna sound harsh here , ok , l know what you must be feeling, truly.. But l can say my mistake was actually wanting her back , when she was the one that had the affair and l thought to myself a few mths later , wth was l trying to get someone back that actually had an affair on me anyway..

l'm very sorry it's happened.

[BballJ]

Hi Azura007,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I don't like to comment and place blame on either person in these sorts of posts. It is quite a complex situation you are in especially when their is cheating involved.

I understand you broke it off with her before she had the chance to break it off with you but deep down, what do you want? Do you want to go to couples counselling to try and work it out or is it better if you both part ways? In these situations you have to start thinking about what ultimately will make you happy in the long term. Sometimes being friends and holding onto old partners really doesn't help us long term as I do not think it fully allows us to move on from them. You have been through so much as you said in the first part of your post so it is really deciding if this is worth fighting for. I do know one thing, it is never one person's fault if a relationship has failed and from what you have said it doesn't seem it should all fall on your shoulders.

May I ask, are you currently seeking help for your mental health concerns?

My best for you,

Jay

[Azura007]

Thank you for your post Jay.

to be honest, i have no idea what I want. I tried to make it work between us but she wouldn't give me a chance, she said it was too late. I know that if she came back to me today i wouldn't turn her away, even though i know how unhealthy the situation has been, it is something that has never happened before, so should we not take that into account and try?

I guess the hardest things for me are that it happened so suddenly, was completely out of character and it was almost like she was fighting with her own mind about it. She admitted that the person who falling for her has made her realise i am manipulative, but i can't seem to understand how in our years together if i am manipulative why someone closer hasn't pointed it out before.

I am getting help, just not instantly. I have made appointments to see a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a relationship councillor. My antidepressants have also been increased and i am on valium to help my anxiety.

I guess the what i have to deal with is that i can't go back to the way things were, i can't force her to tell me what happened and i can't forget what we had, which is the hardest thing of all. Everything reminds me of her, i see something we would usually share with each other and i realise she won't reply or even look at it. I have never loved someone the way i love her, she waz my soul mate, and now it's over and i don't know what to do.

[Azura007]

Thank you for your words randomx, it means so much to know that others have been through similar situations. This is all so fresh for me still, but i am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't hold on to something that is no longer there, even if it hurts beyond belief right now.

[BballJ]

Hi Azura007,

It is ok that you are feeling all these emotions as well, break ups are always so hard to deal with especially when it is so sudden, I say this because sometimes you have some sort of a clue or can see the relationship was fading but when it is abrupt and sudden it is never easy. I would try not to take to much of the manipulative thing, it sounds like this person who is speaking to her is really just trying to undermine you and convince her you are not good for her. You sound like a very caring person and I know it hurts and you would take her back right now but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get through this with time. I can only keep encouraging you to keep talking and get everything off your mind.

I think the professional help will do lots of wonders as well.

My best,

Jay

[Azura007]

Hey Jay

Alot has happened since i last posted. With the support of my friends and family i have completely cut them from my life. Holding onto hope that we could work it out while she sought refuge in the arms of others was tearing me apart. After everything that has happened, i made the decision to do what was best for me and let her go completely. I know this may seem selfish but i was the only one trying to make things civil between us, and try to make a friendship work. All my friends have opened my eyes to the person she has become, and that i was blinded by a love that was forced apon me. In the oast i had tried ti break things off with her, asking to just be friends, but she never let me go and i didn't have the strength to leave her. I stayed because i promised never to hurt her and in the end she left anyway. What hurts most is that i lost my best friend, and i feel as though ic i had just had the strength to let the relationshipgo earlier we wouldn't be in this situation.

I guess what i have learnt is that you should never ignore your gut feelings because if they tell you something os wrong, you shoukd follow them.

I no longer blame myself for what has hsppened as i did everything i could to hold us together, but you can't convince someonr to stay or to try if they don't want to.

Ill stay strong and focus on me, there was a world before her where i was happy and after some time i will reach a world without her where i will be hsppy.

[BballJ]

Hi Azura007,

That is a great outlook and staying strong is the best thing. More importantly, you will meet someone down the track again.

My best,

Jay