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How can I let it go?

Community Member

Hi everyone this is my first post as I don't know what to do next..

38yo married father of 3 kids..

feb 2016 my wife of 8years partner for 20, for no reason at all collapsed and proceeded to have 80 seizures over 2 days. All tests were inconclusive and ultimately diagnosed with having a dissociative disorder seizures leaving her with limited use of lh side of her body. We owned our own successful business at the time with a really great marriage etc nothing could be better...

due to work commitments and her inability to drive for 6weeks we required assistance getting kids to and from school. A neighbor 2 doors away who was a teacher aide at the school offered help. We had lived there for 1.5 years and never said boo to these people before this day.

Long story short my elder sister came to see my wife one afternoon and observed my wife asleep on the couch with this lady sitting on the floor stroking her face and whispering in her ear... over the course of 3 months they entered into a same sex relationship with my wife convinced that it's destiny and they shared the truest of loves. As anyone knows school politics there relationship would of been frowned apon so there was an elaborate story of me abusing my children and wife concocted to explain the relationship between them. This was over a period of 6months, I increasingly became manic at the situation with every few days there relationship strengthened???? I went from living at home to staying at my sisters house. Her mental state was erratic due to the constant physio and neuropsychologist appointments. Wtf my wife is heterosexual and over the years that this type of thing has entered our lives she was clear about her sexuality and marriage. We were best friends and soulmates with 3 great kids and a successful business with the future there for the taking. She increasingly was convinced and manipulated by this narcissistic lady into abandoning her entire life and things she stood for. This lady became my children's second mum and manipulated them into believing that I was not a good dad etc Their relationship was found out and the other lady also married backed off and all her lies and deceit was found out. She agreed to move away ( run away) to have a fresh start and I would work in the mines staying in camp m-f and driving home for the weekends.

1 Reply 1

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Hollowshell~

Welcome here, I'm very sorry to hear all of the things that have happened in your life. It would be terrible going form a long term happy and stable situation to a nightmare of illness, betrayal and deceit.

To clear things up in my mind; am I right in understanding the other lady has agreed to sever contact but is still in the area, your wife is at home with your children and you are at home weekends with them, away during the week? The fact that the other lady is still in the area may be a cause for concern.

I guess the first thing is to see how you and you wife wish to proceed. This is of course something you are in a much better position to judge than anyone else. To be betrayed for another -of either sex- is a really hard matter to understand and deal with. Perhaps worse is lies made up that paint you in a bad light, especially with your children, who may have very mixed motions at the moment if they have formed an attachment with this woman.

All in all I would find this a complete breakdown in trust and would think it wold take extraordinary measures by your wife to try to repair things, though under these particular circumstances I'd not feel matters as cut and dried as if there was no illness involved.

To have seizures of that nature and also a restriction in bodily movement, even if temporary on this occasion, will have had a profound psychological effect on your wife, particularly as the whole illness may be regarded as open ended with the possibility it might happen again, possibly with increased lack of mobility.

If that were to happen to me I'd think I would be extremely vulnerable. If a person in that state encounters a sexual predator than I suppose matters could go a different way than they normally would.

20 years of happy partnership and children are for many something worth fighting for -I don't know how you feel about it.

If you wish you could consider talking with your wife and using a marriage councilor and gain advice on restoring your relationships, particularly including the children.

I do think, as there is a great deal of strain on you now, that you should take particular care of yourself, exercising and eating well, trying for restful sleep and if necessary discuss your health with your GP. Life in a mining camp does not always promote the best lifestyle.

We would really like it if you were to post again and talk more