How can I help my father?

[Belleblue]

I am at my wits' end. My father who I love dearly has battled with various undiagnosed mental health issues over the years including what I think may be depression. He has cut himself off from his children (my two half siblings) and now me. I have tried getting help for him over the years or suggested he seek counselling but I have been rebuffed every time. My brother and sister don't want anything much to do with him anymore for various reasons. I live interstate from him so it is hard to keep tabs on how he's doing. He is alone, next to no friends, divorced from my mum, cut off from his other two kids, has never met his grandchildren, and now his ex girlfriend got in contact with my brother telling him that our dad had a breakdown on the weekend. This isn't a new occurrence. I love my dad but no longer speak with him as every time we do we argue and he criticises my lifestyle and life choices. I really would love to help him so he can get his life back on track again. He keeps pushing his kids away and it is really hard now to cope with this estrangement as he was a pretty devoted dad when I was young up until a few years ago. I don't believe he is suicidal but he has moments of profound depression and something kind of like paranoia (he makes random accusations about people and everyone and everything being against him). He is also a very domineering and demanding person - very set in his views, very controlling and everything needs to be done his way. Every partner he has had since mum has left because of this . In a way I think this has alienated him a lot from everyone around him and he has never been able to hold down a job. Basically he is very isolated and alone. The only hope I see in him is that he has occasional moments of lucidity, happiness and he is a creative person who gains enjoyment from music, art, etc. In essence - he can keep busy and is capable of looking after himself physically. It pains me to see a grown man so alone and cut off from his only family and in the grip of mental health issues and would love to hear any thoughts.

[Croix]

Dear Belleblue~

I'd like to welcome you here and can understand how you feel. Having a parent cut himself off, and seeing him make the same mistake time after time -and suffer when doing it - is a hard thing to watch and feel.

I really wish there was an easy or quick answer however I'm not sure there is. You said you have tried to get him to seek medical help without success and are no longer talking.

Perhaps a mindshift might help. In the past when he has criticized you for whatever reason you have probably reacted as if he is your parent and he is wrong. And as a result there is an argument, something painful enough to make you withdraw.

One very often has a special regard for a parent, not just love, but see them as a special person who should show wisdom and reliability too. Sometimes those expectations are not born out and one ends up seeing them as smaller, as human with faults - often very large ones.

Perhaps now the roles could change and you take over as the one who has wisdom - and forbearance. When his words become accusatory or condemning you not raise to the bait but try to steer matters towards more peaceful ideas. Maybe the music, art and so on you mentioned.

Until there is a relationship where he respects you I'd be surprised if he listened to your suggestions. Even if he still does not at least he might not be so alone.

Look Belleblue, frankly I'm guessing, and you may have gone down this path already. So what do you think?

Croix

[Belleblue]

Dear Croix, I appreciate your timely and considered response. I have unfortunately already gone down the path you suggested - that of the patient person with wisdom and forbearance and trying to steer the relationship to calmer/safer territories. To no avail as I felt we were avoiding uncomfortable truths and things he disapproves of (he doesn't like, and envies, the fact that I have a good relationship with my siblings and have an active part in the lives of his grandchildren and he disapproves of my marriage - not my husband as such but the fact that my husband and I are reasonably independent people). He has forced me to choose sides - either him or my siblings/niece and nephew. I had to make the choice to cut off all contact to protect my sanity but at the same time I have let him know that if he ever needs me I am here for him. At this stage I will start sending him a note, and photos of our two dogs which he adores, just letting him know I am thinking of him and I am here for him if he wants to talk. I appreciate you taking the time to write to me.

[Croix]

Dear Belleblue~

You are a realistic and caring person and your father, whether he knows it or not, is lucky to have you as a daughter. I can't think of anything more you can do unless he wishes to cooperate and tone down his judgmental ways.

I hope at least by coming here it confirms to you that you ate taking all possible steps and and in no way responsible for any of this. Nagging doubts can creep in no matter what. You have to have boundaries which you do, and you would help him if the opportunity presented itself. That is all that is possible.

Please feel free to continue to talk here as often as you would like

Croix