Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Housemate is making me feel mean towards her and I don't like how I react around her

Community Member


I have a housemate who is frustrating to be around and I find myself getting really passive aggressive towards her. I don't like how I react to her and she makes me feel like a horrible person because I'm so mean to her and it really gets me down. I'm not sure what it is about her that brings this out in me. I want to go home to relax but I find myself getting more tense when she is home.

I have been living with her for almost 2 years now. I have a FIFO job so I'm not always at home. Over the past two years I have had two other housemates come and go. They have said independently and without any prompting from me that they feel like they are being mean to her and don't like how they respond. So I don't think that I am 100% the problem in this relationship.

She's been bullied most of her life from what she said and it sounds like her family is not very supportive either because she says they constantly cut her down. I can see the growth in her since she's moved in and she is a lot easier to live with now but it's still hard and draining. She thinks everyone is always cutting her down and judging her. I can't explain it and I feel horrible saying it but it is so easy to do. She is very reliant on other people opinion and doesn't seem to help herself.

I am really struggling at work and desperately need to quit my job and have a career change for my own mental health. But to do that I need to rent out my other spare room to pay the mortgage. Right now my 2nd housemate is planning on moving out because she can't live with her anymore. It's making for a very tense household. I'm not sure how to approach her and ask her to leave. She will take it really personally and will be devastated, thinking no one likes her. She was a friend (not super close) before she moved in so will be really hurt and I will continue to see her afterwards in my friendship group. She will also probably move back in with her parents which will not help her self esteem at all and I don't want to be responsible for that.

I feel like I can't kick her out because I'm the mean one not her. But my other friends can't live with her so am I justified in wanting her to leave? How do I ask her to leave? She will know it's because I don't want to be around her because I'm not going to ask the other housemate to leave. I feel horrible about it and it is making me feel sick. I really need to quit my job but I can't do it while she is living with me.

Any advice?

3 Replies 3

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
I think that you need to focus on the financial aspect, that you need to quit your job for your mental health but to make ends meet, you need to rent out your spare bedroom, your sorry to do this to her etc etc. It doesn’t sound like this situation is working for either of you. You deserve to be around people that bring out the best in you and she can probably sense the hostility. I think that this might actually be a good outcome for all concerned. Try and do the right thing by giving her plenty of notice and I think she’ll be fine.

Community Member

Hi kek,

It's certainly not a pleasant situation for either of you. I think the best thing is to extract yourself from the situation. But try to give her plenty of notice to make the change as easy for her as possible. It's not unreasonable that you ask her to leave, things change and people move out of rental properties all the time.

Community Member

Hi Kek,

Living with anyone can be very difficult and hard, even family can make life hard to live with.

I also once lived in a share place or housemate, it was tough. Everyone has different ideas on how they like things, the way they live and annoying habits etc. it can cause conflict and stress.

I understand how you are feeling, you got a lot going on in your life and having this burden on top max up the levels on anxiety and stress that you don’t need on top.

You say you see her grow that a good sign that she trying, i not saying to keep having her their but if she improving she giving things a go and hopefully this trend will continue and not max to the levels it at at this moment.

If you decide that she has to go, money wise it can be tough,you miss that little income and also the next person that borders could be worse and not pay or cause you more stress that will have a greater impact on you than this situation.

Their no right or wrong decision, it what you feel best for you and your life,it your home. But if you do consider letting her go be gentle as much as you can about it. The growth she had needs to help her get to the next level in her life chapter.

Their will come a day that she have to leave and find her own place or she moves out her own accord by moving in with a partner etc. Maybe a bit more time might help you reach more of decision that is right, The frustration today could be a thing of the past tomorrow.

All the best.