- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- Hit rock bottom!
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
Hit rock bottom!
Hi Weeping tears,
Welcome to the forums. I'm terribly sorry for what you have been and still are going through. It's really brave of you, when you feel there's nothing left, to reach out for help. I hope here you will at least find support and find the hope and strength to keep going.
Your marriage has endured a lot of heart ache, and by the sounds of it mostly out of fear rather than reciprocated love. The one thing that you need to do now is take some time to grieve. Not just for the fact that your relationship is over, but for all the times you lost your wife to another. It's one of the most difficult experiences to go through, but you will come out the other side.
Are you seeing a Dr or therapist at the moment? If not, then I think this would be a very worthwhile step to take. If you need help finding a GP, Beyondblue has an extensive list on their website. A GP will be able to refer you to a Psychologist, and s/he will be able to take you through the grieving process, and help with strategies of how to let go, and how to find you as an individual, now that you are no longer a couple.
With regards to your children, as a child my father cheated on my mother (too many times to count), as much as we were told what was happening, it was a very difficult time. The most difficult thing was not my parents separating, it was my mum taking him back each and every time. Children just want stability. They don't mind if they have parents who are not together, they just want to feel loved. The one thing I wish my sisters and I received from my mum was her support and the acknowledgement that we were being impacted by this too. Instead my mum had a nervous break down, us girls were left to fend for ourselves, and every time we grew to hate our father, we'd have to welcome him back again. Your job is just to be their father, continue to love them, and as hard as it is put them first.
I know you mentioned that you have been arguing for the past couple of days. Have the children been home at this time? Children don't like to hear their parents fighting, so I think make the choice for the children to stay with a relative while you and your partner sort things out, or agree to speak with one another in a civil manner.
It will take some time for you to feel ok with this, but honestly if there is no trust in a relationship then it's not worthwhile.
I know there's so much more to discuss but I'm running out of characters, I do hope we hear back from you.
Do you think you could seek some professional support? I know we like to keep our dirty washing in our own back yard, but suffering on your own just isn't worth it.
How old are your children if you don't mind me asking?
If you truly want to repair things with your wife, that is entirely your choice, and no you are not stupid. I didn't get to add that my parents are just about to celebrate their 41st wedding anniversary...so it is possible. I guess some people are more willing to forgive than others, and forgiveness is a very powerful quality to have.
What have you done so terribly wrong in the past? I'm guessing you mean why do I deserve this? Sadly your wife's actions probably have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. I'd say you don't deserve this at all, no one ever does - and yet still we have a 50% divorce rate.
I know you mentioned you are on your own tonight, which I hope will give you a bit of breathing space. It's important to try to get some sleep too. If you are really struggling through the evening don't hesitate to contact BB's call centre, or webchat is available until midnight. Some of us on the forums stay up late, but you may not get an immediate reply if your feeling lonely at 2 in the morning, so it's good to have some back up options.
No matter what you decide, I truly hope you get what you are wanting. Keep us posted.
Thank you, you seem like a special person yourself. 41 years does give me some hope, glad you mentioned that bit!! I just rung to say goodnight to my daughter and got an extremly cold response from the wife! I dont think in reality its what i want as in my wife and i, i think its more i want to keep my kids from feeling any upset in their lives.
LOL no i wont be up at 2 in the morning...
dear Weepingtears, I can understand exactly what you are going through, but firstly can I totally agree with you about Amber, she is a very special person and responds to so many people who want to tell us their despairs, depression and situations like yours, as her dad was doing the same, so she is a great friend for you to talk to.
My wife was doing the same but never admitted to it, it's just that I caught her ringing someone fro a public phone and who she said she was ringing was rubbish, plus she stayed a night out, saying that she was working.
We are now divorced but still contact each other, but it's your post that needs to be replied to.
You have your children to protect, but by her taking your daughter away for maybe a night or probably more is not healthy for her, as she will start to ask questions, and while she is with her mum then it's going to one sided only, but she will be asking so many questions and become very confused.
Your wife has done the wrong thing, and I would presume that it has being going on longer than you know, which is obviously devastating for you, but from experience I have to say that the marriage is in jeapordy, and I know how heartbreaking this is to you and the children, but if by chance you got back together her attitude towards you will be very cool and arguments will happen.
I'm sorry that I have to give you my opinion, but once unfaithful, always unfaithful.
My ex moved out and moved down to Melbourne, 2 hours away, but had already being seeing someone else before we got divorced, and she is a practising Catholic.
I hope that I haven't taken any hope away from you. Geoff.
Well it appears as though you slept through the night?
I know you don't want your children to have to deal with any difficulties in life. But is the challenges, hurdles, obstacles, and mistakes they face that will teach them resilience. Resilience is such a powerful quality to possess. Sadly they won't ever learn to get back up again if we never let them fall in the first place.
I'm also predicting that your children probably already know something is up, given your wife has been in this scenario many times before. Even your son at boarding school will be able to pick up on vibes over the phone.
I think you and your wife need to come to a decision, otherwise you are only delaying the inevitable. What will help your children go through the process, should you chose to separate, is for you and your wife to maintain a level of respect for one another, and to explain to them exactly what's happening. The saddest thing you can hear from your child is "I hate you, why didn't you tell me?"
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, this is obviously very difficult and understandably heartbreaking for you. I'm glad that you have reached out to the BB community and you have received some good support and advice from Amber and Geoff.
I think that the issue of cheating and why people in committed relationships cheat can be either simple or complex depending on the situation. Cheating can be either a cause of problems in a relationship or it can be a symptom of things that have already gone wrong in that relationship. Cheating can also be because of individual issues or because of issues with a partner. There can be many reasons! I hope this makes sense?
I think in your case Amber is right in saying 'that your wife's actions probably have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her'. So therefore your wife's actions are most likely because of her own individual issues.
I think your actions are very admirable, selfless and courageous in that you have accepted her back and have tried everything to make things work for your marriage and your kids. You have shown true commitment and unconditional love for your wife and it is her loss that she has not reciprocated your love.
I'm afraid that as this has happened multiple times and that you have accepted her back each time that unfortunately this has become a pattern and she'll just continue to do it in the belief that you will take her back. That is unless she takes some committed steps to address the individual issues that she obviously has through couples and individual counseling.
It's up to you and your wife if you continue with your marriage or not. But please remember as Amber said you deserve every right to grieve for your marriage and to process your memories, thoughts and emotions. You have every right to seek help and support to aid you through this process and to have a support network around you and you have every right and you deserve to be happy again and to move forward with your life.
As for your kids again Amber is right in saying the current situation provides instability which impacts on them. Greater stability can be provided if the seperation is amicable. If you do go down the line of seperation i would also suggest seeking a court order to establish access rights etc.
I'm running out of characters but WT whatever you decide to do is your choice. I wish you the very best and my thoughts are with you. Take care!
My advise WeapingT is thatin your next relationship (and there will be soon enough) remember, you don't own your partner. You only get choose to be considerate and caring toward them, and if it isn't working, you leave. They are you only two choices. Goosh, I'd leave anyone in flash who sought to tell me who I could be friends with, visit or phone. My phone would be an insidious trap for anyone who looked at it as it full of endearing messages from my female friends. Most of my partners have care little about such. My maddening demeanor is more than enough.
I wish you well. We need good primary producers and it is a hard but wonderful life.