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Hi, I am looking for advice on how to get over or ‘let go’ of an abusive family history…
My question is… I am feeling a lot of anger that I cannot express, as both my parents have passed away (separately, they were divorced) in the last couple years, and it has brought up a lot of memories and realisations that I van’t talk to them, or do anything about now. I also cannot talk to my sister (I have tried, but she thinks I am lying, as she didn’t experience anything like what I did, and has no idea of what it was like for me when I was alone with my father). Anyway, I want to ‘get over it’ and forget about all of them, but I have lost so much - my confidence, relationships, trouble at work with authority figures, etc. that it is hard for e to ‘just let go’ without being so angry about it all! I was hoping someone could please shed some light and help steer me in a direction to find a way to stop being ‘their victim’ and feeling sorry for myself and begin living my own life completely without any trace of feeling or memory of them… I am not looking to ‘forgive’ - just accept that I was unlucky to be born into that family and move on - very practical and ‘logical’ approach (as I also have Aspergers )
Welcome to the community here. It does sound like you have a few issues you want to deal with in order to move on. I am certainly not a professional of any type, just a person offering a few ideas.
Have you considered going to see a counsellor at all to discuss these issues?
I am thinking you may never be able to forget what has happened, but you may be able to let go of the strength these memories have and release the hurt to some degree.
It may help you to write letters to your parents, write down everything that you feel inside of you. You mentioned they have died, sorry you can't talk to them personally.
Once you have written the letters, you can rip them up and throw them in the bin. It would be of great benefit to also try and write down some things you remember from your childhood that were positive. It may help you to keep that list and add to it when you remember some things that were okay.
My siblings don't remember our childhood the same way I do either. My feelings towards my parents were very different from what they experienced. We all see life differently.
You have the opportunity now to tell yourself that yes, your childhood wasn't what you had expected, but starting from today, you can make your life different and think how you can make it better.
We can not change the past. We can find ways to let go of the hurt and to move on.
Holding onto all of that pain just makes me feel miserable. I don't want that in my life! Do you?
Forgetting may not be possible. Forgiveness is possible but doesn't sound like you are ready for that now. Trying to move forward from here is achievable.
Cheers from Dools
Welcome to the BB forum
I just wanted to agree with Dools excellent advice
I suffer from PTSD after a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, I suffer from nightmares and flashbacks and have just been living with it until very recently. It was just too hard to talk about so I thought ignoring it was the easiest way to move on.
But, like you, I decided was sick of being a victim and sick of letting the past effect me now.
So I recently mentioned it to my GP and am now getting help and it has really made things better.
I know its hard to talk about some things, I'm still not 100% there yet but I'm getting better at it and the benefits of talking about everything is worth the challenge.
If you're not ready to talk, definitely writing thoughts and feelings down or as Dools suggested, letters to your parents might be helpful too.
I'll never be able to confront my abuser now either but that's not what moving on is about, its about you and its about healing.
Talk to your GP about seeing a counsellor, that's a good place to start the journey
All the best, take care
Thanks Dools & Gal,
Yes, I have been to a few therapists over the years, but am honestly tired of talking about it - wanted something constructive to do... I forgot about writing letters - had done that in the past (and then actually sent one to my father once - his new 2nd wife said he turned white when he read it!) I also forgot I was also diagnosed with ptsd from my childhood... I just thought everyone growing up where I did had it rough, but I guess not... Anyway, I have just written a letter to my sister and feel better, thanks! I'll keep writing them - good advice 🙂