HI all, newbie here- finding it hard to be an 'adult'

[Mrs Chloe]

Greetings to those who decided to read this.

I am a 40 year old wife who has been finding it hard to be mentally and emotionally sharp for many years.

I have had many baby losses and my husband went through a year or so of extreme depression.

I find myself sometimes crying when alone- sometimes from a story I watched or read, other times from my own hardships.

Husband does not make it any easier when he has a short temper and I find myself walking on eggshells around him sometimes, in fear that he would regress back to being depressed/ anxious if I start a fight with him. Fighting with him is very messy as he warned that he would post on social media about about our fight. Although he is very confident that he is now better because he's constantly taking his medication.

I know that marriage will never be easy, and there are days when I feel like on cloud 9 when everything goes well or when we have unexpected blessings. But when it gets tough, it is very tough on my mental state. I forget things and make silly mistakes. Sometimes I even suspect that I get ill when we are fighting.

I applaud strong women whom I know are also going through tough things, sometimes even tougher than me, but yet they seem to have it altogether in the head. I compared myself to other wives I know and every single one of them has an issue in their life. So I guess the question I am asking is, how do you cope with such hardship? How do you have a 'thick skin' and continue with life while standing your ground without being hurt? I vent out to my close friends when I'm hurting but when I hear myself talk and remember their own hardships, I feel like I'm just having first world problems.

But I cannot take verbal abuse. Yes I shoot back at him when I get a chance but I don't think it affects him as much as it affects me. I know I have to lead by example but I don't know how, especially when I am still hurting after making a simple mistake.

By the way, I say 'adulting' in the title because I didn't have these issues when I was younger and only dating. Now that I have MORE responsibilities, I need to learn some coping mechanisms. I imagine just before sleeping or right after I wake up, that if there was a time machine, I'd definitely choose to go back into being a kid again with all my adult family members around me that supports me. Then I would stay there and never be an adult!

Thanks for reading and have a good day.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes, other people do have issues, most of them. On occasion you will meet a couple that claim they dont argue...like my ex neighbours and very good friends of ours. But several times over the years we've heard them argue, yelling and the occasional saucepan hitting ta wall.! So the old saying dont believe all your hear.

However couples can get bogged down with each other. I believe in my experience couples sometimes cant swallow their pride and hug the other person. Yet that often neutralises things well.

I've got two threads for you to read. You only need to read the first post of each. You will find them valuable.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-...

That one is great if you both commit to it.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

That one is for your low self esteem that might help you.

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[topsy_]

Hi Mrs Chloe

I want to welcome you too. In addition to hugs, humour can also defuse an argument.

In the early days of our marriage my husband & I were still learning how to get along while we were both determined we were right lol.

One particular night things had gotten really heated & we were glaring at each other when all of a sudden I called him a “Wally”. Quick as a flash he called me a witchetty grub, so I returned with walrus, then he replied with a very descriptive word about certain parts of my anatomy.

We kept up the game because we both wanted to have the last word. Of course by then the pressure & anger of the argument were well and truly diffused.

This is a habit we have retained as it is so good at being a circuit breaker.

It’s just a little example of how something silly or funny can help out when tempers are aroused.

I’ll be thinking of you. Take care, T.

[Guest_3256]

hi there rs Chloe.

I just want to let you know that you show some much love and compassion for yourself and you Hubby. Relationships are complex on many levels, however, it's what we do and the choices we make that flourish and grow them so the we can live and be as happy as possible.

We are not at all perfect, life is not meant to be perfect and it's totally ok to feel the way you do. It shows that you own your feels and emotions, it demonstrates that you chose to stick by you Hubby in the toughest of times. But I do ask, how do you feel that you can improve your bond/connection with Hubby? Knowing his personality, how can you help make the dynamic of your beautiful relationship become what you want it to be?

There are an array of support available to help you improve your relationship.

[Mrs Chloe]

Thank you Topsy, that is indeed a funny story and a good tactic.

🙂

Although I wonder if it resolves the issue in the first place? I guess it won't be important if the issue is not big of a deal or can live through it- as long as you both learn to deal with each other's short comings.

I'll try to adapt that when we're arguing about something silly..

[Mrs Chloe]

Hi Jsua,

You're absolutely right, I do want to have the feeling of love and happiness in our marriage all the time. Because I guess, I lack skills in diffusing a confrontation and I often I cannot describe my feelings in a non aggressive way. But when things are good, I make up for it by being sweet.. hugging and praising him which he appreciates.

The links I was given above sounds good and will read through it.

Thanks for the reply and hope you have a great day.

[Guest9337]

G'day Mrs Chloe,

Thanks for sharing here on beyondblue.

Short tempered people are often annoying. Walking on egg shells all the time isn't fair. Posting details of fights on social media, or threatening to is straight up rude in my opinion. Verbal abuse, well that is a crime and highly damaging over time, especially for children or vulnerable people.

The angry spiral sucks big time. One makes a "mistake", the other has a go about the mistake, one feels defensive rightly so, things escalate and next thing we know we in an unpleasant fight about some trivial mistake.

I lived with a short tempered person for a long time, in my experience they think they have the right to verbally abuse people and often simply don't have another way to communicate nicely and honestly.

When anger rises, think of the consequences. Don't permit emotion to dominate discussion, having emotions is unavoidable but speaking abuse is avoidable.

We shouldn't be drilled for making a mistake, mistakes are common and normal happenings in life. Children who don't take mistake correction well tend to have poor outcomes later in life, they aim lower for fear of exceeding their comfort zone of always right, and thus don't grow as thoroughly as they could. For example, one doesn't make it though complex study without making mistakes and having strangers correct them.

Chloe, your post triggers me a bit because I have experienced the situation and have also studied it. I feel like saying something quite mean about your husband, I won't though, I choose not to.

[therising]

Hi Mrs Chloe

First, I wish to express how much my heart goes out to you regarding your losses. Such grief can be overwhelming.

I've discovered throughout my marriage that marriage is challenging because it requires so much skill development. While a basic relationship can be easy to pull out of, I've found with marriage there's more of a challenge to develop the skills required for life. Kind of like being locked into the commitment of both self development and relationship development. Through such a relationship, we develop our self. For example, you've come here in search of direction because you've developed into 'a seeker of direction'.

Being a sensitive gal, I've come to realise there's more to sensitivity than what I once thought. Sensitivity has many aspects, with 2 being

• The ability to sense how your partner leads you to feel and
• The challenge to sense what it is you're actually feeling

With the 1st, say your partner leads you to feel the feelings that come with disappointment. The disappointment may be felt as anger or sadness. How does anger feel? How does sadness feel? The 1st is irritating and can start to heat you up a little if it's intense enough. 'Hot headed' is not just a saying, when you can feel your face becoming a little warm. Sadness has a down feeling to it. There may be somewhat of an ache in the chest (heartache) and some pressure in the throat, leading us to feel 'choked up'. While anger works us up, sadness typically leads us to feel down. There's nothing quite like marriage to give us the ability to feel and identify a multitude of feelings.

Sensing what you're feeling and why you're feeling this can be a super tricky one, I've found. If you're familiar with the feeling of disappointment, whether it be anger or sadness, there's no need to spend any time identifying how you feel (the situation you're in). Time is better spent focusing on why you're feeling. Trust you're feelings, they'll always reveal something 🙂 You might hit on the revelation 'What I'm feeling is him dis-appointing himself from the role of 'clear communicator'. No way buddy, we need to develop the skill of clear communication, for the relationship to evolve'. So now, through your sensitivity to getting a feel for a situation, you know what skill he needs to work on developing. The marriage can't evolve without this skill.

Becoming an observer of my feelings, gives me a sense of direction. I've found it pays to practice getting a feel for things.

🙂

[geoff]

Hello Mrs Chloe, and a warm welcome to the site, and despite what you have told us, I thoroughly took note of what you have said.

I'm not sure we can learn to cope with our partner's/spouse's shortcomings because they change all the time all for different reasons, but we think that if it happens again, we'll learn to be able to handle the situation, well yes or no, and no meaning that you might not be feeling well yourself or have had a good day or another problem elsewhere is causing you trouble, so we can't predict how we will feel or what will happen.

If you seem to be arguing in a silly way other problems may be brought into the disagreement that have no apparent connection with what you're arguing about, so it becomes messy and way off topic.

I am truly sorry for what you and your husband have been through and this can certainly start to affect either of you in different ways, some of which aren't spoken about until an argument begins, unfortunately, but deep down it's not about blaming each other, both of you need to express how you feel with any animosity, although I understand how you both feel, especially when depression of any type starts to take control.

You have strength in posting your comment and it's lovely to hear from you.

Geoff.