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Confused_89
Community Member

Hi

Im not sure if this is the right place to post this but here goes. My parent and I have been together for almost two years and we have always had a very happy relationship. We hardly ever fight and just generally have a very good relationship. Last Saturday however he started becoming very distant and me being the typical girl immediately thought the worst.

He works away and came home yesterday and we had a chat and he said he feels so empty inside. He feels like he is fighting a war in his head and doesn't know how he can continue to love me when he doesn't love himself. He suggested that we call it quits so that he can Deal with this on his own without dragging me down with him. He said that he can feel himself pushing me away because of this war in his head and that he doesn't see a way out of it. He also said that he can't imagine a life without me yet doesn't think he can be with me.

I think my partner suffers from depression and I don't know what to do. Do I stay or leave like wants? I think once he talks to someone we can work through this. We both don't want this to be the end but don't know where to go next

6 Replies 6

Kazzl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Confused, welcome to the forum and well done for reaching out, for you and your partner.

I think you are spot on - he should talk to someone, and yes you can work through it.

He is trying to protect you, which to me says a lot about how much he cares for you. And you obviously care deeply for him. It's good that he's opened up to you about it, a lot of men don't. The next step is to help him get to the point where he will accept help.

He needs to see his doctor initially, and be open about what he's experiencing. The doctor might recommend he see a psychologist (under a Medicate rebate mental health care plan) and, if he is willing, perhaps you could attend with him.

It would also help you both to learn as much as you can about depression - if possible, have a look at the resources on the main website together, and talk them through. If you think it's appropriate you could also show him the forum so he can see how so many others cope with similar situations.

He is probably quite scared about all this, so any reassurance you can give him will help, especially if he knows you are going to stand by him and see it through together.

I hope that helps a bit Confused - feel free to keep posting and ask any questions you want. Also don't overlook that this is stressful for you too - take very good care of yourself during this difficult time.

Kaz

Zeal
Community Member

Hi Confused,

I'm sorry to hear that your partner is struggling psychologically. It does sound as though he has depression, as you suspect. It is crucial that he gets professional help, starting with making an appointment with a doctor (GP). The GP can give him guidance, and may refer him to another professional too. It sounds as though he doesn't
want his emotional state to negatively impact you, as someone he really cares about. It's unfortunate that people with depression tend to isolate themselves from loved ones. There are a few main reasons for this. Firstly, they may not have the capacity to maintain relationships (due to their illness), they may want to protect loved ones from their negative emotions and/or not want to 'burden' others, or a combination of the two.

You both love each other and want to be together (even though your partner says he wants to deal with his emotions on his own), so I feel that a break up doesn’t have to happen. You could tell your partner that you want to support him and that you understand he may not be able to spend as much time with you. Explain that when he needs a little space, that's okay too. Calling each other is a good alternative, when being physically in each other's company is more difficult.

This Beyondblue site has resources on depression for loved ones to read. These can be found under the first link in the menu option Supporting someone. The facts also has info on depression that is worth checking out.

I hope your partner can see his doctor soon about his mental health. You could encourage him to see his doctor
if you are concerned about his lack of intention to seek support.

It would be great to hear back from you πŸ™‚

Best wishes,

Zeal

Wednesday
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Confused,

No wonder you are confused it must feel like you are on quite a roller coaster at the moment. Being pushed away but told he doesn't want it to end. You may well be right about your partner being depressed, but it is always best to check with your doctor (maybe you could suggest going along to the appointment too) and a counsellor would be helpful.

If you go back to the top the pager and hit The Facts, then Anxiety and Depression checklist, you might find them useful to go through with your partner to start a dialogue. You could take the checklist results with you as a conversations starter.

It doesn't sound like you want to leave at this stage and it's great that you are there for your partner. Please look after yourself too. It is hard to help someone else if you are falling into a hole too. Mental illness can be hard on partners so make sure you keep doing the things that you like to do. You may even find it useful to chat to a doctor and /or counsellor to get some advice.

I'm really pleased you came to the forum it's a great place to chat and work through things. so whenever you feel like it come back and chat. There are many people with lots of experience to help out too. Just in case you haven't noticed there is also the chatline 1300 22 4636 available 24/7. So you are really not alone!

Good luck.

Zeal
Community Member

Hi Confused and Kaz,

This is amusing - I took so long to type my post to you Confused that by the time it had sent I noticed that there was a reply underneath from Kaz, who posted advice very similar to mine. Hopefully this will confirm and even emphasise what was said πŸ™‚

Best wishes,

Zeal

Hi Kaz,

Thank u for replying. I'm feeling very lost at the moment. He is very up and down. One moment he tells me that he loves me the next he wants nothing to do with me.

He says that he will be better of alone but then he will say that it's hard to be away from me. His answer for a lot of things is I don't know and I feel that I'm getting upset when I should be understanding.

He says that I'm making it all about me but I just want him to feel better and I hate that I'm making him feel worse.

We talked about his going to see someone and he has agreed but since he is FIFO that won't be for another 5 weeks and I'm so scared that we won't make it through the next five weeks because he is becoming so distant and keeps wanting to do it all on his own.

Dear Confused89

My heart goes out to you as I am going through the exact same thing with my husband of 14 years. He was diagnosed back in August of this year with depression and anxiety and I have always told him that I will stand by him and support him in whatever way he needed. I thought we were making progress and I asked him what he wanted and needed from me and he said that he needed me to let him go. He said that the environment he was in was what was causing him to be anxious and depressed and that he had been unhappy for 10 years. His psychologist said that he needed to change his environment to get better (those were his words, not the psychologist's) That was devastating to hear and he also says that he needs to be on his own to sort himself out. It's so difficult being the partner of a person with anxiety and depression as you never really know where you stand with them and it is so tough to watch them pull away from you. As I said, my heart goes out to you and I hope that he will get some help soon. Hang in there and know that there are people here who are going through exactly the same thing and sometimes just talking (whether it be on a forum or to friends) can help get you out of your own head. Take care, Kazza