Help Wanted in Understanding

[Upset_Dad]

Hi

I am very concerned about my son he has lost his job for stealing ,could be evicted from his rental, has no money I believe he is taking drugs and he keeps asking me for money and when I question why he becomes very agitated and abusive, I have taken him to centerlink and told him he has to take all the required documents with him the next day to finish the process taken him to doctors and paid for medication and suggested and gave him the details of a rehab facility .but he does not seem interested I told him to let me know via text that he has done this but so far no text . I am at a complete loss as I cannot have him living with us > this situation has made me visit emergency due to my heart condition and stayed for two days. How do you say No and tell him it is all up to him I cannot do it anymore it is breaking my heart

[Croix]

Dear Upset Dad~

Welcome to the Forum, I'm sorry circumstances have made posting here seem necessary. As a parent I can relate to your feelings. We love our children and really do want them to have reasonable lives, not necessarily anything great or earth-shattering, but content, hopefuly productive and to step around major pitfalls. We also want our love returned.

You son has made mistakes and is still doing so. Hopefully that stealing incident did not involve the authorities. Sadly drugs are common and alter the mood, so reality is at a distance.

They are his mistakes and you know what I'm going to say, he has to want to make things better. You can lead, cajole, provide guidance for all you are worth but until he values that it is not going to work. I'm sorry to say that.

I suppose I should ask if there is anyone else in his life he is more likely to take notice of - though suspect you will already have approached them if that were the case.

I guess it is a waiting game, to see if he turns to you. I'm sure he knows of your love and desire to help, however at the moment that is not enough, maybe in time it will be. The knowledge that oyu are there for him once he sets his life on the right direction may well be more significant than you think, it's just not the right time.

Frankly more important at the moment is your well-being, having a heart condition is a pretty serious thing and the proper treatment and lifestyle is essential. You need to be there for the future - for both your sakes.

Do you have anyone to support you? A partner or family or friend. Trying to do all this on your own is a very heavy task, someone to help shoulder the load can make a big difference. If there is someone perhaps they can take a more active part in this.

While it's not an area I know much about do you think for you to go to counseling to get an outside perspective might be helpful? If so I guess you would start with a recommendation from your GP.

Croix

[white knight]

Hi Upset Dad,

Boy, I feel for you. I have a friend (female) that's son has fleeced her of all of her savings, a huge amount from working 30 years in the public service. Yes, drugs.

I think the only position for you to take is hard love. It has to stop. This likely will stop contact with him for some time but if done calmly and quietly then he wont have memories of arguments and yelling. So he will return.

This move also means a gamble, in that you wont be around to pick up the problems he'll face. Well if as an adult he hasn't learned to deal with life's issues then he must learn the hard way.

This though also means you can concentrate on your own health.

Google

Topic: guilt the tormentor- beyondblue

Topic: your own worse enemy- beyondblue

Topic: charity begins at home- beyondblue.

Good luck. We are here if you want to repost either in those threads, your own new thread or in this one.

tony WK

[geoff]

Hello Upset Dad, it's a pleasure to meet you, however, under very sad circumstances, I'm sorry to say.

Like Tony, I know someone who has had their savings stolen by his son to support his drug, alcohol and gambling habits, it was a harrowing finding to know he had nothing left in the bank, his retirement money.

You can 'lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink' an old saying but it can be true on many occasions and unfortunately this is what you have been doing with your son, however your own health is a great concern now and that's what you must be looking after.

As parents, we try to help our kids as much as we can, but it has to go both ways, so does love and so does respect.

You have tried to help him in every way possible, it's now up to him to look after himself because you can't keep feeding an empty pond.

Best Wishes.

Geoff.