Help! My teenager won't accept rules and boundaries :(

Mumsie-woo · ‎30-01-2018

Hi. I'm new to this site. My husband and I are having tremendous trouble with our, about to turn 15, daughter. She has started a relationship with a boy at school (same age) 3 month's ago and in our opinion, things are way too serious and out of control. We have tried to set rules re phone usage - he has contacted her often in the wee hours of the morning, but she refuses to hand in her phone and laptop at 10pm. She is very tired (often has dark circles under her eyes) and spending all or most of her time outside of school on some sort of social media or Netflix. She is very angry at me for trying to make rules. I have recently said that she can only see her boyfriend once a fortnight outside of school as they saw each other almost every day over xmas holiday (against my wishes). I don't believe they are having sex yet, but it's like they are obsessed with each other. I gave her an allowance of $75 month for outings etc as she was using my bank card (responsibly though), but she's fighting this now too. It just seems every rule I make is wrong for her and "I'm the worst mother ever" and "no one else's mum would do this" and "I hate you". She is still 14. She has had a good upbringing and has all of a sudden turned into a girl that I no longer know who hates her family and refuses to participate in any family outings etc...she's totally withdrawn. Won't talk to me anymore then, accuses me of not caring when she gets depressed. I try to talk to her, I try to give her little hugs, but to very little avail. She's breaking my heart. I'm getting angry at her too. There doesn't seem to be any of the old "daughter" left in her. I just don't know what to do. She doesn't respect anything I ask her to do. She often won't even take out the rubbish...too busy on her phone. I need to say, things in our house are becoming very serious. I don't think I can handle much more. My husband and I are at our wits end. Her little brother (11) is affected by it all. The arguments, the yelling, the silence, the anger, the hell that has become our world. Anyone out there had such extreme behaviour and came through it without the family breaking apart? Thanks for listening.

Sophie_M · ‎31-01-2018

Hi Mumsie-woo, welcome to the forums. We have some resources on our Healthy Families site you may find useful to read through:

Establishing boundaries

Mumsie-woo · ‎31-01-2018

Hi there. Thank you. I have read through them before I posted. It's very hard to put boundaries in place with a teenager who simply won't accept them...that's the problem. 😞 I have asked my sister to talk to with her over the weekend in hope that she can get Missy-Moo to understand that most teenagers have boundaries and the one's I've set are pretty much 'standard' for her age. She seems to be under the impression, now that she is nearly 15 and has a 'boyfriend' that she should be able to do whatever pleases her.... it'll be a miracle if my sister can get through to her, but forever hoping 🙂

AJ2014 · ‎01-02-2018

To me it doesn't sound like you have set boundries but more punishments as they did not exist prior to your daughter's behaviour and maybe that is how she is viewing them and why she is rebelling? have you tried getting her to provide the boundries? and/or providing her with a way to get the boundries relaxed?

on a techical note some routers / internet gateways allow you to set access schedules so it only broadcasts a wireless signal during certain times and allows you to block certain devices. So, she can have her mobile and laptop but won't be able to connect up to your internet (you and your husbands internet) that you choose to share with her.

with Telstra i believe they also have a service called "Telstra Mobile Protect" which allows you to restrict call and SMS activity and set time restrictions. I think most of the providers (optus / vodafone) would have something similar. I assume you pay for her mobile? if so then tell her if she wants you to continue to pay for the mobile then she has to respect your boundaries if she doesn't want to respect them then she will need to pay for her mobile usage herself.

full disclosure, I don't have kids but, based on my past experience working with children and studies in psychology, that is what i would be trying / looking into.

Bethie · ‎02-02-2018

Hi

Oh the fun of teens. I know what your going through. I have a 14 year old son. In Queensland schools laptops/tablets are issued so if thats the case probably not a good idea to take it away. Something we do when things get out of hand is put a old cord on our internet connection that doesnt work properly so he thinks the net is playing up. Sneaky i know but he gets frustrated and gives up. If shes not allready put her on a prepay phone or her data bill will go crazy.

Not sure what state your in but kids can get a part time from 14 in alot of places.

Its good for them. I keep my son pretty busy with Army cadets and working at a local takeaway. The late nights get crazy but its amazing what a not working properly charger can change.