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This is tough for me, but I'm at a place now in life where I'm not sure where to go. Thankful this place exists.

I'm just here to talk, look for advice and hopefully offer my own at some point to someone who may need it.
I'm 35, I have Spinal Stenosis and osteo arthritis which causes round the clock chronic pain.
I also live with crippling anxiety and depression, I see a clinical psychologist and take medication, most days it's not enough.
I used to hurt myself when I was younger, I have scars left over my arms because of this, I wish I could erase them.

My husband ( the love of my life ) also suffers severe anxiety and depression.

It's more terrifying for me when he's having an episode than when it's myself. Over the years we've both had some pretty big mental health breakdowns, a couple of which lasted the span of about 4-5 weeks. It's terrifying.
After my first major one in 2018 my husband bought me a small stuffed elephant as a gift, I haven't slept a single night without it in my arms since he gave it to me.

We are both unemployed, long term. This is the source of a lot of our anxieties, dealing with job agencies, being forced out to do things we can't handle.
Some days I think my husband would be better off without me, that if I wasn't around he'd have a better handle on his mental health issues, he'd probably have a job and not have to deal with this stress. Some days I just wish I didn't exist.
That's a grim note to leave things on, I'm sorry. Thank you for reading.
2 Replies 2

Hey Vanilla Bean, 

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, it's great to have you join us here. We're sorry to hear of your health and mental health challenges. We can imagine how difficult and painful this would make working and everyday living. It sounds as though you have a loving partner whom you are very grateful for. We're sure he feels the same way and is very thankful to have you in his life. Have you spoken to him about these thoughts? It might be something he can provide some reassurance on?

If you feel that it would be beneficial to about your feelings with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.  

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Vanilla Bean, and a warm welcome to the site and from what I've read I am so sorry that you and your husband are struggling like this.

One thing we mustn't forget is when either ourselves and/or our spouse/partner suffer from any type of mental illness doesn't necessarily mean we don't love them, it just creates another atmosphere that we're not used to or know how to cope.

We feel for the way you are feeling and hope you are able to get back to us.

Take care.