Hello new here! Trust! Loving my cheating partner

[Kazzylou]

Around two years ago I found out my partner was having an affair with my best friend! Not his first affair! But long story short I love the man and he is good to me we have a great life and says he’s not going to do it again. But it dosnt matter how much I try I can’t get thoughts of them both together out of my head! I feel I’m going mad! With angry outbursts and accusations I’m scared I’ll lose everything. I don’t really want to go on meds but I don’t seem to be getting any better. I constantly work on self love but I can’t help the self hate instead! I can’t talk to him ! He just thinks I should be over it. Kaz

[quirkywords]

Kazzylou,

Welcome to the forum. This place is full of kind friendly and supportive people.

I am sorry you starting to self hate.

Trust is something that can take ages to build up but can be lost very easily.

I wonder if you have spoken to a counsellor about your feelings. Sometimes it takes more than time to be over something. When a partner has been unfaithful the trust needs to be built again and the partner maybe needs to be patient and as open as possible.

You also have the shock of your best friend being involved with your husband. Are in contact with your her.

You have a lot of issues to work through.

Feel free to post here as much as you like.

If you type in the search engine about cheating you may find other threads that may help you from people who have been through a similar experience.

Thanks again for writing your first post.

Quirky

[Kazzylou]

Thank you for your words of support! It sure helps to talk about it as I have no one to talk about it too.

yes we did go together to counseling for a little while and it did help! And yes I still see her as she is at some of my social events. I am able to be civil but the trust and friendship has gone.

Thanks so much for the advice. Kaz

[Kazzylou]

After reading some of the other post my troubles seem slight! I guess knowing your not alone in this world helps ..

kaz

[JRG]

Hi Kaz,

Just wanted to say hello and welcome too. I just read your last comment - please don't think that your problems are not as bad as some others who post here. The truth is, that everyone who posts is struggling in some way or another and none of our situations are comparable. You are just as valuable to the conversation as anyone else.

Personally, I can definitely relate to the feelings of almost 'self-hatred' that I have sometimes. They can be very very difficult to manage. Nevertheless, sometimes when we are feeling bad we can filter out the good things there are to say. Recently, someone asked me to the think of 5 good things about myself at different times of my life and although it was one of the most difficult things I have done at the end of it I found it so amazing to have just a short list of kind things to say about myself. Self-compassion - you'd be surprised how many of us struggle with a similar thread.

Keep your head up and chat here anytime it helps.

Kind regards,

JRG

[Carrebelle]

Hi Kaz,

Firstly - I can only say well done - truly. To find it in yourself to forgive your husband for being unfaithful, and particularly with your best friend, took courage and strength. Most people would walk away, and while there is never an "easy way out", by choosing your path it means that perhaps you have a better position to move on as the love obviously overrides the loss of trust.

I think when it comes to self love - pat yourself on the back for being so strong. It is not weak to choose to love and continue with your relationship. It is the hardest choice and takes bravery!

Perhaps each time your mind turns to thoughts of them together, choose to think of why you've stayed, or something he has done to make you feel loved or worthy - because you are!

If you are able to calmly sit down and talk or perhaps write a letter to your husband, without blame or accusations, but explaining your fears and insecurities, he may then, instead of being on the defensive, be able to see where your pain is coming from and if you ask for what you need from him, you can hopefully take steps forward.

Trust once broken is so very hard to re-build, but you both seem to want to work on your marriage.

Betrayal is never about the person betrayed. It is within the betrayer. Their insecurities, resentment, anger or other feelings, but never about the innocent party. You did not force him nor ask him to do what he did. Nothing in you, the way you look, sound, feel or act is worthy of betrayal. Please remind yourself that you have so much worth, he loves you enough and sees the good in you to also want to stay.

You quite possibly don't need meds, but maybe more counselling on your own to help with how you feel about yourself and help build your self esteem. Or find things that you enjoy, have always wanted to do or challenge yourself somehow to step outside the safety zone and do something you'd never do - learn another language, write poetry, jump out of a plane (with a parachute 😉 ) and make yourself proud again. Build YOU up into who you want to be and what you want to achieve. It's one way to make changes that will deflect from the negative thoughts in your head.

I wish you happiness and mental peace and hope I may have helped - even just a little.

K

[Kazzylou]

Thank you JRG for you kind and very wise words , it is so helpful to get lovely comments like this . Thank you so much.

kaz

[Kazzylou]

Wow thanks K . I have been thinking the same as far as trying new things and stepping out of my comfort zone, Iv been trying to be more independent and concentrate on loving the person I am interested of waiting to be loved by others . I think myself very fortunate in life . I found your comments most helpful thanks Kaz