Heartbroken mum

[trackert]

I don’t know where to even start. My life has not been great I had a lot of abuse as a child in all forms from mother and father and step father. I’ve had some counseling but it’s always there 
we had 3 kids all great kids my youngest son married a girl about 15 years ago 

and the family dynamic changed she arrived at my home with a list of what things she didn’t like about me. I had told someone she was controlling apparently I can’t remember doing it but I feel it was pretty spot on as she is sitting at my kitchen table saying sit down I have this list I want you to hear. 
well that didn’t go down well I told them to get out of our home. My son hugged me but he also backed her up 

They did get married and have two children. And we are never allowed to see them unless they suggest it or tell us what time and day where and how long 

there is never any flexibility 

recently there was an issue with Christmas as we moved 4 hours away. For health and retirement reasons. We all agreed we would travel to them at Christmas time I was informed it would be Christmas Eve . So I said we would need to stay with one of them well they had booked others in for that night which left us with nowhere. I did have a big reaction to this as I felt rejected again. My 3 children that day all rejected us . Next thing my DIL says it’s at her place I said we can’t come as no where to stay. But we will be down from Boxing Day for a week so we could all catch up then I was told no they are too busy. I just said ok no problem. Then she starts a family chat and says she is having our granddaughter birthday a few days after we get back from Tasmania and I said I’m sorry but it will be too much for us to travel again after just getting back. She comes back with ‘your choice “ which was a red flag to me I said it was a hard choice but we are tired old and we can’t keep taking the rejection   Next things she puts up another list of everything I have done for the last 15 years. 
again she choose a time when I was not very well mentally. I tried to defend myself without getting angry but knew it was to no avail so I left the conversation. Then I got attacked for that. My children all got in on the conversation and it was all my fault. Everything is my fault.   Some of the stuff she says is correct and I have owned and apologized for these actions in the past. But a lot was lies or has extenuating circumstances or they all were involved in . From what I gather the kids have been meeting up and she has been convincing them I was a bad mum a terrible person. I know that’s not true. I have friends that have known me longer than my kids have been born they saw how we raised the kids. 
two of my kids actually said to their father that if there was a fire he would choose me over them and that hurts them. 
I have been a basket case since this happened. I can’t get into a doctor 

I have worked out though why I react so hugely. As a child I was not allowed a voice an opinion a choice and everything was my fault. 
I was not a perfect mum but I did my best and when I screwed up o apologized and talked to my kids. 
with every morsel of my being I want to contact my two elder children but I don’t know where to go as I feel all they want is for me to say everything is my fault and I can’t I just can’t I need to stand up for me and they need to hear my voice as it will just stay the same with me taking the attacks on my shoulders and sending me into a spiral 
sorry there is so much more to this but I’ve rambled on enough. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi trackert, 

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here.   It sounds like you are managing a lot right now. We’re so sorry to hear you're struggling and that you've been experiencing difficulties in your family life. We can hear that you are a caring mum, please be kind to yourself during this time. Often when the relationships in our lives become tough, we can struggle to maintain our own wellbeing so it's important to look after yourself and give yourself the time to process these events.

We do want to remind you that there is always someone to talk to, and you always deserve to feel heard, understood and supported as you process  everything that is going on in your family. Our Support Service would welcome your call, anytime, on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support 

We know that you've mentioned having trouble getting into a doctor, that might be something you can seek support for as often the GP can be a great first port of call and can provide referrals to other supports that can guide you in these issues. Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[trackert]

Thanks I have no idea what to do I can’t get it off my mind 
I’m so sick as well now
i just don’t know what to do or say