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He'd rather lie to me than leave me

Community Member

It started on Saturday with me taking care of my partner cause he was sick and yet again cancelling the first pair of his friends that I was ever going to meet. We have been talking to each other since Jan'19 and started dating in June'19. Because he had gastro, Sunday morning i had some gut instinct that told me he had eaten crap and was lying to me, so went to check his uber eats. Then came across snapchat which he claimed he didnt know to use, we would always do funny ones on my phone. So i thought Id surprise him and add me on his chat and send him funny pics. But boy when I opened the snap chat i saw that there were a trail of messages and photos sent to his ex as recent as Jan 3rd (Now you have to know it is very uncharacteristic and against my own principle to snoop through someone's phone) The messages were not innocent at all, he was calling her a dirty bitch, both were claiming to have feelings for each other and the kick in the gut was the day before I left to Vanuatu i told him that i might be pregnant as I was late. After consoling me that we would deal with it together and that I should take care of myself and enjoy my holiday etc, the same day he sends her messages of wanting to spoon her. Now he had told me that he had broken up with this girl in Sept'18 and the last time he met was Jan'19.
He was leading his ex on, she didnt know I existed, so I thought I should tell her that he has been lying and cheating to both of us. But when I did, she ended up covering up a fair bit for him. Later when we were in the car, she called up and said that they only broke up in August and the last they met was in September during which time he made her meet his granny. You see I had met his granny in October, so for his granny to meet 2 girls within a span of 1.5months - just not done! wrong!

This is also when i realised that when we had started seeing each other back in June, he was still dating his ex, and was probably readying me as a back up. When in september we decided to be exclusive, he had made me uninstall all my dating apps, claiming to have done the same. except i later found out that he had still been flirting with other women until 2nd week of october. he reached out to his ex end of october.
Dug even deeper, found out that his friends had set him up with another woman who he dated between June to July, so essentially he was involved with 3 of us.

3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Relationship complexities are not something that some of us get involved in. In your case there is too many moral judgments for me to consider. Eg if it was ok for him to date 3 girls at once? etc. Ok for some not ok for others. The big question is- is it ok for you? If not then it is a relatively short relationship and you can move on much easier than had it been a longer more committed one.

So I see the situation as one that is not unlike those whereby there is no firm commitment on his behalf, some deceit so he can maintain other women on the side and manipulation where he convinces you (lied) about him erasing his dating apps...so your question you should ask yourself is- "am I going to put up with that, or find someone that will love me better"?

As for your pregnancy, both parties are usually responsible for birth control.

I hope it works out but I cant see any remedy from anything I can suggest. It's a case of a relationship without trust.


Community Member
I already think you know his moral code will never match yours. This situation can only hurt you more the longer it continues. His heart does not know how to be exclusive. There are other fish ... go fish ❤️

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Ashh1,

I’m so sorry, that must have been so traumatic to find all that out! I think that you know what you need to do, but are not sure what you are going to do. You know this behaviour is not ok, and is not how someone who wants to have a serious and committed relationship treats you. If it was me, I could handle someone dating a few people at the start if we weren’t exclusive. I think that each parties are entitled to date. That being said, he continued this behaviour after you spoke about being exclusive! But It would bother me the most how easily this guy could lie to my face for months on end, that’s the bit that’s unforgivable. Not only that, but his intentions with his ex are not honest. This person has already shown you that he cannot he trusted.