Having a hard time -my sons birthday just passed

[Iwant2B3]

It's been 13 years since I seen my children. It was my sons birthday just a few days ago. It never bothered me every year since the incident. I just thought wait til he is 18 then he will want to see me. He will want to find me. They can't keep him from me anymore. I waited and waited and waited, 13 years I have cried every single day. I don't function. I don't eat. I don't talk to anyone. I just wait sitting in my room alone everyday. He just turned 19. I don't want to wait any longer. I don't want to grieve for a lost child anymore. He's a grown up. He knows I'm alive. He knows where I live. He hates me. I hate me more. Do you know what it's like to live with anger and hatred towards yourself. That's 110,000 hours of being mean to me. I let bad things happen to me because I know I deserve them. My next door neighbour borrowed my car and it broke down. She borrowed my other car to go fix the broken down one and she stole both cars and fled the state. I didn't do anything. I didn't even go to the police. My cousin moved in with me and then kicked me out of my house. I still did nothing. My ex kidnapped my child (not his biological child) and fled the state. All I did was cry. My mother takes my son, poisons his mind against me and then puts him in a boys home. I did nothing to help him. My partner calls me horrible names and is physically abusive. I still do nothing. WHY CANT I FIGHT BACK? Why do I feel like I'm not worthy of anything? My mother was an independent strong woman who never let anyone get away with hurting her or her kids. Why can't I be like that? I let everything turn to shit and I sat back and did nothing. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Iwant2B3

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am glad you have found the strength and courage to write in here and tell us your story. It is very sad and must be so painful for you waiting to be reunited with your son. Is there any way you can contact your son? He may be waiting for you to find him.

Your life has been filled with such terrible things and when this happens it feels as though it's all too much and we give up fighting. Do you think this may be what has happened for you?

May I ask where you live? Not the town or street as this information is not allowed on BB. Just the state. I have a couple of suggestions for if this is OK. Do you have access to a doctor? If so I suggest you make an appointment to see him/her as you appear to be very depressed and traumatized. A doctor will be able to help you start to get your life back again and help you heal.

Please believe you are a worthwhile person. I know it's easy for me to say but not so easy for you to do. No one deserves bad things to happen to them and that applies to you and everyone. Your life has been a long story of abuse and I am so sorry about this. Not everyone is able to stand up to others but this does not make it right for others to hurt you.

If you can talk to your doctor, he/she can tell how to get help from various agencies. I cannot tell you where this help is available as I do not know where you live. I do have some suggestions for you. As you are writing on Beyond Blue I presume you have access to a computer and can access these web sites. They are designed to help women who have been abused in different ways so please contact one or more and ask for help.

• Women's Legal Service Australia. http://www.wlsa.org.au/  Go to this site and click on Contact Us to take you to a list of legal services in each state.
• Family and Domestic Violence. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/subjects/family-and-domestic-violence  There is a great deal of information on this site and links to other sites that may be useful.
• Lifeline. https://www.lifeline.org.au/ This is a good organisation to contact in an emergency, particularly if you are unsafe. They have a 24/7 phone line 13 11 14. Please explore their web site.
• Beyond Blue. 24/7 helpline. Ph: 1300 22 4636.

It seems I've only given you a list of web sites and phone numbers, but I cannot be more specific. I really urge you to phone the Beyond Blue helpline. The people who answer the phones will help you more than I am able.

Please write in again.

Mary

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

Well, Mary's reply covered so many bases.

There isn't much more that I can add. but I have previously been a private investigator and I can tell you its amazing how many people think the other person wont want to meet up with them when they actually do so both parties don't meet at all for that reason. So like Mary said he might be waiting for you?

Also bare in mind your son might have been given false misleading information about your actions many years ago. Be prepared to give some answers. He'll want facts I presume.

Your other overall issues of lacking mental strength to stand up to those that take advantage of your good nature needs professional care. Please listen to Mary on her suggestions.

Please google this "Topic: defending yourself- don't be an easy target- beyond blue"

All the best. And welcome again to this great site.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello, some people cop it more than others and that's exactly what's happened with you, and I feel so sorry for you.
Mary's and Tony's replies have given you so much information which I don't feel as though I could add onto, and certainly
don't want to take away the credit the two of them deserve, but I will be following your post with great interest,