Have me or my husband got depression or some mental disorder?

[Jane17031703]

Ive always been a fairly happy girl, but with a few insecurities &low self esteem.
Until I met my hubby I hardly ever cried. Now I never know if he'll wake up nice &loving , or indifferent&cold towards me. I have wondered about mental issues.
If I bring up issues he will either give silent treatment &withhold love from me or lose temper, yell, &swear. Always turns blame on me(gas lighter)

This sends me in to this meltdown thing. I don't know what it is, I just lose all sense of reasoning, crying, beg him to hug&love me. I feel lowest pits of low sad

All I feel when I am low is that I so much want love. I say just hug me &say nice words. Every now and then he sighs a real reluctant I love u, ur a good wife. But usually he refuses &says when u stop crying I will hug u. He withholds love from me when I'm sad. I beg for love, he just refuses.

Anyway, last night I tried to discuss something with him, he literally just screamed, called me dumb and swore at me. I got sad &started crying &asked him to stop swearing at me and calling me names. He yelled it's ur fault for being dumb, then I wouldn't need to call you dumb. I kept begging he kept yelling. I got lower and lower, it felt as though he was baiting me to go lower still. I kept on saying please just hug me &show me affection, I need u. He refused &said I was having a mental attack of some kind. By this time I wonder if I was, I felt so low, all I wanted was for him to hug me &be emotionally supportive. I was crying &yelling please love me, I need you, please. I don't think I had reasoning. He said I was having a mental attack of some kind. (He always tells me that I'm sad and it's my fault, he has never said sorry in his life or cared about anything that worries me in his life, he brings the blame onto me every time)
My question is am I having a mental attack, if I am what can I do? Is this all my fault? Am I not seeing things clearly? Or is he trying to control my thoughts to switch the blame onto me and tell me there's something wrong with me? I'm just so confused and have started questioning if all this time I thought he had some mental issue, maybe it was me all along & I do need help. Do I need help or does he need help or both? He refuses counseling.

I cant break up with him, Im a Christian &don't believe in divorce. & I have a kid with him, I'd never be able to be away from my kid for half custody, my child needs me with him. He hates being away from me.

Thanks so much

[Nikkir]

Hi Jane 17031703,

Thank you for your post and for reaching out. It sounds like you are really sad, tired, frustrated and quite raw from all of this, it's like an emotional roller coaster except that you only seem to be going downwards. It is hard to know what is going on but the best advise i can give is take care of yourself and your child. Often when we partner with other people they can bring out different aspects within us or have a way of triggering us or tapping into an old wound. Some people are actually very skilled at this which is sad and scary. It sounds to me like you just want to be loved and appreciated and seen for who you are, all very normal things to want in a relationship. The thing is it feels like there is this power play going on where he is stonewalling you ( blocking you out emotionally) and this is a trigger because you are trying to get closer. It is a common pattern, not a healthy one but common. When you are truly in your power you won't allow that and it won't bother you as much. I can recommend you see your GP, get a mental health plan to see someone and maybe talk about medication. Do things to keep yourself happy and safe, even taking a walk. I have "smiling minds app" which I love, a nice little selection of meditations. You cannot continue to live in this toxic situation and I am sure it will affect your health and the happiness of your child as well. So work on strengthening yourself and setting boundaries with him. What makes him happy? Has he always been like this or did something happen? I really hope you can find the love and happiness you deserve. You can call our number 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 1114. Our line has good support and good referrals. But do try to see someone for yourself so you can get some clarity on your own emotional life and what you are looking for and how to set limits with him. I know sometimes the more we reach out the more people pull away but it shouldn't be so hard. By the way I am no expert on relationships I can just sense the pain and desperation and disempowerment that you seems to be feeling at his responses. And you know what it really annoys me when people play the "mental health card" when they are driving you to madness like being passive aggressive and won't accept ownership. Get some skills, get some support and you will be able to navigate this better I promise 🙂 Let us know how you are going if you can, we would love to hear from you. Best Wishes Nikkir x

[pipsy]

Hi Jane. You sound so sad and down, I'm so sorry you feel so alone. Your hubby sounds rather controlling, bordering on narcissism. Has it always been this way? With narcissistic people they are unable to accept blame for anything. Staying with him the way things are is rather unhealthy both for you and your child. You say you have strong Christian beliefs, have you tried speaking to your minister, getting some therapy to guide you. Google narcissism, see if your hubby has the characteristics. If he has some of them, I suggest you either see your local minister or perhaps see about getting some advice from your Dr. Unfortunately, I can't see your hubby admitting to needing counseling as he doesn't see he needs it. Narc's seldom if ever admit fault, they need to be seen as perfect and frequently abuse wife and family in private. In public they tend to display loving, often devoted hubby's, fathers. Quite often they are extremely insecure and need control to stay secure. If you need to talk further, we have counselors who are ready to guide you. If you are not quite ready to seek outside help yet, again, we are here 24/7.

Lynda