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Happily married to my husband, but have feelings for a woman

Imagine_if
Community Member

Hi,

I have been with my husband for nearly 11 years, married for 6 with 3 young children. We are in a perfect place and have a strong relationship and then, out of the blue met a woman who I immediately felt attracted to and haven't been able to stop thinking about her and all the intimate things I want to do.

This has hit me for six and I have no idea where this came from. I have never felt this way for a woman before. I've tried to shake the feelings.

I feel guilty for even having these thoughts without telling my husband.

What should I do? Talk to him

9 Replies 9

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi Imagine_if, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story and experiences with us today. We are sorry to hear that you are feeling guilty and unsure of what to do next . It is common for relationships to cause us to feel anxious sometimes and it sounds like you are in a particular moment of uncertainty. We would suggest that open and honest communication is usually the best way forward, however we know that individual circumstances are unique. We think that talking to someone about your specefic situation is the best way to go. 
  There are two great resources for talking about relationships and what we can do when things get tough, or even just for talking it out with someone.
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

We also recommend having a look around at the other threads in the forums and joining in on conversations where you feel comfortable. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Imagine_if~

I would like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. It's a safe place to talk, no judgments, just other's experiences. Sophie's suggestion of talking to Relationships Australia or Beyond Blue are good ones to help you place your thoughts in order -and they are not connected with your life, you can talk with them without consequences.

I guess the first thing to say is there is no need to feel guilty, it happens. One can have a long-term stable relationship for ages and always assume it would always be that way. One has an image of oneself too that might be exclusively heterosexual.

It must have come to you as a double wammy, to have such strong feelings for another out of the blue, and also to find that under some circumstances you are not limited to the image you had of yourself.

I can't answer about talking to your husband as I do not know him, how he has behaved in the past, or how he would react. You are a better judge of that. I can say in my own case I'd probably not say anything unless I'd decided to take some sort of action, such as trying to gain this other person as an intimate friend.

Having said all that I'd now like to point something out which you are no doubt aware of. You are having a fantasy at the moment, I've no idea if it can be made to come to pass, however there is a great deal of difference between having thoughts and reality.

Like most I know I've had fantasies, but they have remained just that, maybe I'm cautious, maybe my home life is simply too good and valuable to me to risk, maybe all sorts of things.

For a start you have not real indicator as to the attitude of this other person, you may be rejected out of hand, feeling all the rejection that goes with it. If you are accepted it may only be for a limited time, or even if permanently, in the meantime you may have burnt your boats with your existing relationship and children or be living a very difficult double life. Things could turn out very differently, and not necessarily for the best.

I've not mentioned the same-sex aspect, as although it might radically alter your perception of yourself I'm not sure it is as urgent as deciding what to do.

If all this seem overly-negative I apologize, however by nature I tend to look at worst consequences -that's me.

Would you like to talk some more? You'd be welcome

Croix

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Imagine_if, and a warm welcome to the site.

When people marry they're happy to begin with but different circumstances and situations can certainly change how people think, and how the marriage is coping, it could be struggling, that's what we don't know about until the time comes, so your feeling could be because of all of this and how were we to know its would ever happen.

If it has then problems may have been caused in your marriage and now you feel attracted to another woman, you're entitled for this to happen and no one can stop you, but would like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

R.Penn
Community Member

Hi Imagine_if

it’s great you decided to reach out and get some advice the BB forums are great and have helped me along my journey. Can I just say it’s ok to have feeling for a woman but it’s wise to take your time and decide if this is just a fantasy or you are legit about possibly falling for this woman. I am speaking from experience. I have been the other woman for last 2.5 years waiting for a woman in a straight relationship and it has been so painful because she led me on for so long and had decided I am not worth a relationship with her and that she isn’t ready. I understand that but she has cheated on me and lied. It can get messy if you are indecisive and unclear on your feelings and I thought I could handle it until I fell in love. We were good friends but I fell hard. Every situation is different. At the start I told my friend to talk to her husband, communication is everything in a relationship but I wasn’t aware he was abusive so depending on your partners viewpoint of same sex relationships I would consider this. I would also just recommend seeking individual counselling and couples counselling if you want to stay with your partner. Relationships and children are precious. I’m not saying this is what would happen for you. Female same sex relationships can be intense. I’ve been gay my whole life I just have been a naive empath.

but yeah your children are number 1 and I would just say keep learning and exploring your feelings what they truly are and being honest to everyone involved. Open communication. Unless you don’t feel safe with your partner? There are food LGBT counsellors and psychologists that would be able to help.

I think it’s great to fantasise and also explore sexuality but I’ve been on the other end and have experienced a negative side to things. Just respect yourself your relationship and family and the girl you are having these feelings for. I think there is a difference between crushing/ having sexual fantasies/ actually maybe awakening to your sexuality. It can get confusing so I would recommend talking to a professional as well as good trusted friends...? There’s also a lgbt forum thread on here too maybe there is someone in a similar boat you could chat to? Hope this helps and not trying to put a negative spin on your journey as everyone’s is individual and different. I think it’s ok to take things slow but as long as everyone is respectful of feelings and keeping healthy connection

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear R.Penn~

Thank you for putting forward so eloquently the other side of the coin. I think it is something that many disregard when wishing to go to another.

I'm sorry it happened to you ,as it does to so many, leaving you alone, in loss and a broken heart, as well as lack of faith in others in the future.

I'm glad you are able to turn this horrible experience to an advantage, letting others know more about how things do or don't work, not much consolation to you, though helping others can help.

If you are interested there is another tragedy from the past that sticks in my mind, Zenobia

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/long-term-support-over-the-journey/i-am-the-...

I hope you meet someone worthy of your trust (and are able to recognize it)

Croix

R.Penn
Community Member

Thank you for your kindness Croix

it is taking me some time and I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over what I’ve done... I am super insecure now... it’s just left me worse off than when we met. I was trying to be on my own and single and it’s a very big lesson for me. It’s dangerous to sail on two ships at once. I think this happened because we were both lonely and connected strongly but I also ignored red flags and built fantasy / saw her potential and not accepted the reality of the situation. I think she has played both me and her long term partner and now she is on her own journey. I just wish her peace and happiness and hopefully I can be her friend in the future again. But I have been pretty hurt by her lies.

I’ll check out the other link you have sent me. Thank you for you understanding because I think people see the other person as the evil one but honestly we were both just two empathic people and we are only human. I just care a lot about her and got led on/ manipulated at the start and I tried to disconnect several times. I think there are lots of lessons to learn codependency behaviour on both sides. I’m very depressed and I am switching psychologists but I really do need more support because I keep going back to her and not other people. Which doesn’t help me move on a d give her a chance to work out what she wants.

😞

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear R.Penn~

I'm afraid the only thing that will work is to receive commitment and equality if you are ever going to feel secure again and both give and receive in a relationship.

That means the other person needs to be honest. If lies are told then there is no commitment. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you are really in no position to let others take advantage of you again - too much damage has been done already.

You are right about fantasy, which can be so attractive and seem so do-able. Sometimes it seems so real, then circumstances change and you are alone. I guess the test is not "is it love?" but "is it honest?"

I know, you could think me some sort of puritan or honesty freak, that is not the case, I've made my mistakes at the cost of others too in other spheres. LTR's breaking up is a fact of life, and hopefully can be managed with a modicum of sensitivity and consideration. Having you cake and eating it too, as your friend has done, is a recipe for other's greif.

May I humbly suggest that this person can never really be your freind, and that to hope for such a friendship may be fantasy too. Letting her work out what she wants is all very well, however if she had true feelings for you -or her long term partner - then there would be nothing to work out.

Partnership means caring for the other, which at times means putting the other first at personal cost, not taking time to decide what might be best for self.

BTW that link is currently broken (you can see the end is still black), I've asked it be repaired. When it is all red it will work.

Zenobia is a human being, just as you are, and deserved better, as do you.

There are good people in the world, ones you can rely upon, in the same way as I think you would be reliable.

You are always welcome here

Croix

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Imagine_if~

I hope you do not left out of things following the above conversations, you are as important as anyone else and entitled to steer your way though life like any other. Be it talking to your husband, keeping quiet, or going to be with the other woman.

I guess what has happened is to highlight how easily people can be hurt - and that applies to you, your partner, the other person, and also that it can be hard to tell fantasy and wishful thinking from fact.

As I said before I can't advise you, just wish you the wisdom to make the decision that is best, not an easy thing. Sophie_M's original suggestion of talking it over with a counselor, maybe Relationships Australia, still holds true.

Croix

Guest_3256
Community Member

Hey there.

Welcome to the forum. It's totally normal to feel these thought and know that they are not real but just thoughts. I'd like to share that I (M) have been with Woman before and am with an amazing guy who I love and cherish, even though he drives me up the wall at times.

I'd also like to say that most people will label me as being either bi, gay or pan. I am simply me. That's another story but back you. I would say, in my belief that you are simply attracted to this 'other person' and it's okay to feel that way. I doesn't mean your going to act out, play up or leave your beautiful family that you've invested in, that wouldn't be fair on you or them.

This is about you being okay with yourself, being okay with your sexuality which doesn't mean you have to change your identity. It just means that you can walk down the street and see someone of the same sax and you feel comfortable acknowledging their outer beauty.

Be kind to yourself, accept and brace the world and do it with the people that love you the most.