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had a affair

Community Member
hi, I have been married for 22 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, 22 and 17,. when I met my wife she was only 19, I was 26,. marriage has been good but over the last 7 or 8 years things have gotten stale, while I still have great affection for her I have found myself wanting,. I spend most of my time working and at night alone while shes doing her own stuff,, our sex life is non existent,. to the point im not interested anymore..5 yrs ago I meet the most wonderful beautiful women., I fell for right away, after a very short time she called it off as she had a partner,. it hurt me very much , but I got over it .went back to my normall life,. then 2 months ago, after 5 long years with no contact she emailed me again, she had broken up with her partner 6 months before and wanted to see me. I thought about it long and hard but couldn't resist her,. we phone each other several times a day and meet up in the city quite a few times., she was and is still trying to get over her relationship and is always talking about it,i told her I was there for her to vent etc.then she invited me to her apartment, I was nervous and scared but I went,.we sleept together,.then all within 3 days she told me she didn't want to see me anymore as her head isnt in the right space and its bad timing on her part. I have fallen for her and love her but she dosnt want me to contact her,. now I am not in a good place,. I feel very loney, empty feeling, always breaking up crying while trying to hide it from my wife,. im not happy and not in a good head space,. I think a lot why bother going on,. .....lost all interest in life. no appetite, no interest in my home life., I just don't know how long I can take this,. im so sad,. sorry for this and what has happened,. I don't know if I want to be here anymore,.
20 Replies 20

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi cantcope,

If it is possible, I would like to suggest you call the Beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636 and talk with someone there. They may well be bale to put you in touch with a group like Mensline in your area, or you may even want to contact Relationships Australia.

It is tough when a marriage breaks down and there just doesn't seem to be anything there any more. Throw in an affair and that certainly makes everything more complicated.

It does sound like this lady does not really know quite what she wants right now.

No-one likes to feel rejected, alone, misunderstood, invalidated and so many other things. It can certainly batter how we feel about ourselves.

Are there things you can do to help you feel better about what you do have? Do you have hobbies and interests you can be involved with right now to help get your mind in a more helpful state?

Is it possible for you to build a new and different relationship with your wife?

I'm wondering if your love for this other lady is really about her, or about dreams and ideals that you have relating to how you think the relationship could have been? Sometimes the reality is not the same as the dream and the ideals we have created in our mind.

Either way, you are not in a good place right now. Please feel welcome to share more here if it helps you, call the help line, find a mate to talk to. Trying to deal with stuff alone can make it all seem so much worse!

Hope some of this helps! From Dools

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi cantcope I would get in touch with relationships Australia like Dools said you have a lot invested in the relationship you have with your partner. You were at a low point in the relationship and did a foolish mistake. Open up to your wife let her know that you need her. Not just for sex but conversation to fight with then make up. See if there are some things you can do together. Like join a dart club, a walking club, fishing club, Lawn bowls, True go club. There are hundreds of things you can both do together, as well as apart. Give it a try hope all goes well for you .


Community Member
well, just a update,. we got back together for the last 2weeks,.she said she was sorry for the hurt she had done so I accepted this,. but she just kept on seeing her ex, all sorts of excuses,. last night I couldn't take it anymore and let her know exactly hoe I felt about what she is doing and told her I cant take it or do it anymore,.she hit back saying its all my fault because I didn't trust her and never would, made me feel so bad for something I didn't course ,. she would spend the whole night with him more than once and she said nothing happened,im suppose to accept this?? suppose I was also jelous, so now its diffinatly over and she want no more contact ever,. it breaks my heart knowing this so much so im going to leave ,. I just want to be alone now, shut the whole world out. I will never open up to any1 else ever again, feeling so sad, cant stop the feelings of rejectment,. and the tears,.. I havnt cried in years and years,. my life is over and nothing I can do to fix that or get her back,. I have accepted that but it hurts so much ,

Hi Cantcope,

Do you have anyone there who you can talk to about how you are feeling?

Would you consider using the phone help line here at Beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Does this mean that you are moving out of home away from your wife or has that already happened? Do you have a safe place to live right now?

Your emotions are very obviously raw right now and you are hurting deeply. When we feel like this it is so very easy to do things we later regret.

Hope you are able to look after yourself okay until you manage to settle a little.

From Dools

Community Member
Update. I'm so upset now. So alone. I get up each day so upset. I can't stop thinking of her. I ended it with the other girl 2 days ago. She broke my heart and I couldn't and can't take it anymore. I'm still with my wife. She wants to know why I have changed and not the same person anymore. I'm so depressed crying all day long everything going through my head. Can't stop thinking about her and my family and life. I feel I have wasted my life and is it worth going on. I have never ever been this low. I have lost so much weight it's affecting my heath. So run down in body and mentally. I don't know where to turn to now. I don't feel stable or normal anymore. I don't want to be here it's at that point now .

Community Member


I would like to applaud you for reaching out.

I must state that I'm no expert, just another average person trying to make it. But I would like to share with you how I feel when I read your circumstance, I hope it will help in anyway, even if it's just a little.

You are mentioning "She", "My Family" and "My Wife" so much.

Stop, for now, you can sort it all out with other people when you can see through clearer eyes.

You need to step back now and purely focus on you, find you. When you are taking everyone into consideration, it makes you more confused and overwhelmed.

Maybe explain to your wife that you are having a hard time and you need some me time. Don't try and figure out where you stand in what relationship until your thinking clearer and not dis stressed. Use your me time to figure out at what point you lost yourself, your strengths weakened etc, who you want to be, what do you want out of life, how can you build your own happiness back up, what are you going to do to forgive and love yourself.

Be honest to yourself, it may require you to make alot of changes over time, but for now just focus on you.


so not long after my last post she contacted me again,. we were seeing each other as much as we could, she was calling me 10 times aday,. but no physical contact as she was trying to find out her feelings towards me,.i accepted this as just to be with her,. then things got worse again, she would go to bed at 6pm and sleep until 6 the next morning, then spend the next week staying up late., then have bad mood swings, talk to me in aggressive way,. shes always feeling down, never smiles anymore, shes been like this since her last relationship break down for over 6 months,now she tells me she dosnt have feelings for me and cant be anything but friends ,I asked her to go to doctors as I think shes very depressed but she wont go,. the things she has said and done to me made me feel worthless,. I have now be diagnosed with depression and am on medication with counselling to come., I told her I wont contact her again but will always be there for her if she needs someone to talk to,. don't know if that's right or not ., I know I need to let her have that space now but find it so hard not to contact her, feeling so low now , have hit rock bottom,. anyway just thought I would let you know where I stand now, thanks for listening to me,.

Hi cantcope,

I hope things look up for you soon, it's not a good feeling at all to feel like you are at rock bottom. Giving her and yourself space sounds like a good idea whilst there is confusion over how each of you feel. It's important to have some time to yourself even if you feel the need to contact her. It can give you some time to reflect on the way you feel.

It's good that you have made the effort it takes to see your GP and to follow up with a Councillor, they can help in such a great way when all seems so hard and confusing.

Thank you for sharing again and we are always here to listen and remind you of your worth.

well I have since found out from her that she has been smoking some bad stuff, has done for the last 5 yrs,. this explains why she so erratic and mood swings.she said she dosnt do it every day and it makes her feel normal in everyday life,.she also said again that the chemistry just wasn't there and we could just be friends if I wanted,.again i told her that I will always be there for her but I know I have lost her for good,. I cant change what shes feeling towards me so I guess I will just have to deal with it within myself,. havnt herd from her for a few days now , but sit here in hope that one day in the future she will contact me again when she gets clean and be able to think about things between us with her head clear from the stuff she been taking, ............