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We do not live together, she lives in one state & I live in another, it has to be that way until our committments are up in one year. But we still see each other every 3-4 weeks.
This weekend past I got completely drunk and I hooked up with another girl. To which my girlfriend doesn't know about, and its virtually impossible she will ever find out. No sexual stuff. Just kissing. But it doesn't matter, cheating is cheating.
I have always prided myself on being a man with integrity & morals. I have never cheated before & I have always despised cheaters. I am so sick in my stomach. I know its guilt. It's so overwhelming. Its consuming me. I want to vomit. It's almost similar to the grief I felt when my sister passed away.
The thought of losing her is unbearable, but she's such a perfect human being she deserves more. She deserves an honest man. Every fibre of my being wants to tell her everything. But I have been told not to from the one person I confided in (my mother), as she believes based on her experience its sometimes best to suck it up & keep it to yourself.
I know deep down in my heart that I will never do it again. But I was hoping to get some opinions from people who have had a similar situation before. Should I tell her? Or should I live with the guilt and go on with our relationship knowing it will never happen again? And if I dont tell her, will the guilt/grief pass or will I be doomed forever?
Hi Marn, welcome to BB
I have to say that I think your mom is right, suck it up and keep it secret.
I know not if your mother told you her reasoning, but I'll tell you mine. Please humor me while I digress and talk about fear and courage. When we are first learning to swim and dive, we avoid the high dive as we lack the courage to jump, as we fear the unknown consequences when we hit the water. But later, with practice diving off the side of the pool and the lower diving boards, we build up the courage to take a bigger risk.
What this means is:
- We're afraid to take that BIG risk, because we FEAR the unknown consequences.
- We learn by first taking small risks, and finding the consequence tolerable.
- Because the consequence was acceptable, we take a bigger risk.
At the moment, in your conundrum:
- You don't have sex outside your relationship, because you fear the unknown consequence.
- You've taken a small risk and kissed someone else. At this point, the consequence is still unknown. You are asking whether you should or should not find out what that consequence is... and if you can live with it.
Your girlfriend could drop you, that is a bad consequence. Or your girlfriend could forgive you, and that is a much worse consequence. Because if the consequence of the small risk is tolerable, then we will take the bigger risk. It's just in our nature, nothing we can do to circumvent natural learning.
At the moment you have cheated on yourself. On your personal morals and code of conduct. And likely you will continue to punish yourself for your misdeed. Good. This should help to keep you true. But if the consequence of your action were to become known, and if she were to forgive you for the misdeed, then you're that much more likely to develop the courage to take a bigger risk.
Mom is right. Keep it to yourself. Learn by your mistake. And become a better person.
Great reply from SB
All of us have skeletons in our cupboards. In my view you nearly went too far. If you had slept with thus girl you deserve everything you get.
However, you have an opportunity to get back on track.
Or you could continue to worry....and you'll get ulcers.
You might have got drunk for a specific reason, a birthday for a mate, an engagement for someone else which you may not actually do all the time, so it was a response and could have been led on by this girl, it was only a kiss and who else hasn't kissed someone when they were married or going out with someone they love, it's a great way to start jealousy, but she doesn't know and I don't think she should, especially when you are in two different states, because if you do decide to tell her then communication
Life puts all of us through tests, they will never stop, we are always challenged, I suppose that's what keeps life interesting, but to tell her now, I, too think you would be making a mistake, because how can you define the word 'kiss', everyone has their own opinion and who's to say that she hasn't done the same.
Yes tell her years later, would she worry then, probably not, but quite amused, let it be, it's something you have learned from. Geoff.
Special thinks to SB who's insight gave me some incredible clarity in a time of overwhelming confusion.
I think the crippling guilt has begun to pass already, I no longer feel physically ill, but an acute disappointment in myself & my actions still remain. I hate that I have placed an asterisk on an otherwise perfect relationship, and that it will always be there. I also hate that I broke my own code of morals, which had lasted me till the age of 30. But I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I cannot change the past no matter how hard I try, and that I will need to move on from this and cherish what I do have.
What a great post. Thankyou from us all here.
I'll quote Geoff "let it be, it's something you have learned from"
Kind if says it all.
Best of luck to you
Just after some more help. I'm having a hard time at the moment. I have good days and bad days. Today the guilt has totally consumed me. I have brought myself to tears today just overthinking it. I have felt physically ill and anxious all day. I cannot focus on my work & studies. As a result I am exhausted by midday. I want to just ring her up and tell her everything, but I haven't. This emotion is totally overwhelming, and I know it's my own fault that I feel this way. I should not have done what I did. I can't bare to eat, or bring myself to do anything.
This may seem like something small, kissing another girl, but its totally against my morals and that hurts me. Plus I know that it would destroy her if she found out. The chance of her finding out is as I said, very very slim, considering she lives in another state and doesn't know them, nor do I know the person that well. But I spend my time in front of the computer visioning her finding out. Even ridiculous things like someone yelling it out on our future hypothetical wedding day.
I guess I am after some confirmation as to whether the guilt passes. Will telling her relieve the guilt, and shall I just hope she forgives me. I know the guilt is mine to bare. But if it doesn't lessen I will be living a crippled life. I am just so confused of what to do.
I read something like this once -
ask yourself who you are trying to make feel better? Yourself or your GF?
If you are trying to make yourself feel better by confessing, is that at the expense of your GF's peace of mind/dreams/hopes/trust?
If you really love her, wouldn't you want her to retain all those positive things?
So as a gift of love to her, DON'T tell her!!
We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself & keep being the honourable man you have always been & desire to keep being.
Good luck, Lyn.
If you tell her you're not sure what sort of reception you will get, and I don't think that's a gamble you really want to take, for two reasons, it could end your r/ship, but she's the love of your life, and secondly it could always be used against you. Geoff.