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Guilty and victim

SA_87
Community Member

Hi all, I am very guilty of my actions. I have an extra marital affair for over 2 years now. My wife doesn't know. And I have a child with her.

The person I'm having an affair with is my college at work. We both started as friends and became close and I had no intentions to cheat my wife. However the feelings became stronger and we are now deeply in love with each other however I can't leave my wife as I don't have courage to tell her what I have been doing. Because of this reason I told the person I am having an affair with that I can't do anything and don't want anything to do with her. However she went and got physical with someone else I know. Now I'm enraged and anxious.

I feel like I deserve what I got. However that girl and I still love each other but I can't get past the thoughts that she's been with someone else while being with me.

I'm still living with my wife, while she has no idea but she thinks there's something wrong with me. We have no proper physical relationship with each other from over 2 years now. I purposely damaged my own marriage hoping my wife would leave me and that I can be with the girl I love.

Now that girl I'm in love with have been physical with someone else I know, I'm unable to actually accept her but at the same time I cannot stop thinking about her. I know that guy and he's a pervert, and that's part of the problem. She is very sorry as well and regrets what she did.

But I feel helpless now as I will never be happy now even if I'm with her as that thought kills me. Also me and my wife are unhappy with each other but are together due to our child and society pressure of judging us.

I do not know what to do. I have been very sad, anxious and frustrated with my life with so much stress.

I have been a bad person and I think I got what I deserve. But I don't know what to do next step to be happy again. I feel like running away from everything.

On some level I want to with the person I'm in love with as we both have a lot of commonalities however the thought of her being with a person I know, is something I can't bear. Also I still don't know how to end everything with my wife.

I feel like a hypocrite. I feel guilty. I feel I got what I deserve. I get bad feelings about myself. I feel like hurting myself. I feel like going to sleep and never waking up.

I'm stuck and have no idea what to do next.

7 Replies 7

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Currently your life is complicated and unstable which would be giving you an uneasy feeling. Once you've been courageous in revealing to your wife you will feel relief.

Society has accepted minimal standards and when people violate these unwritten rules most people will judge you, that is normal. Being in love isn't a good enough reason in most people's eyes. We shouldn't go from our marriage to other intimate relationships without fixing or leaving the one we are in first.

That's the theory, but we are human. I suggest that you have no love left in your marriage but you do have a great responsibility with your child. That child comes first so, plan out your financial situation in view of providing for him/her. Then act adult, sit down with your wife and break the news to her of your feelings and wait for her answer. With no physical intimacy for so long you might be surprised with her answer.

Yes, you no doubt have been self serving. You can't make amends, what's done is done but your child will be in your life forever and he/she deserves the right to opportunities created by both parents.

The only opportunity for peace in your life is to be brave, own up to your wife and above all remain focussed on providing for your child regardless if any other decisions.

I hope I've helped.

TonyWK

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello SA, and thanks Tony for your reply which is straight to the point.

There is an old saying 'you can't have your cake and eat it too' but at the moment you have a child with your wife who would be happier in two different households, rather than being unhappy in one marriage, so at some point, you need to discuss this with your wife, there is no easy way out, however, the other problem is the girl you love, what are her chances of having another affair with someone else if she takes you back and then how is the relationship between you and this current person going to be, will he keep trying to keep in contact with her.

You need to be 'focussed on providing for your child' and if you and your wife don't love each other anymore, then a decision needs to be made, but maybe influenced if this other girl doesn't want you back, then perhaps you and your wife can get counselling to restore your marriage.

Can I also suggest that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but not necessarily so.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi SA 87

Welcome to the bb forum.

Tony and Geoff have provided you with some great advice on possible next steps that I trust will be helpful. I’d just like to add …

I am really concerned about your “bad feelings” about yourself and your desire to go to sleep and not wake up. I want to encourage you to challenge your thinking about yourself and your future.

Please remember that good people can do bad things. The situation you currently find yourself in doesn’t necessarily mean you are a “bad person”. It means you’ve made some mistakes.

We all occasionally lose our way and can make questionable decisions and/or act in unhealthy and unhelpful ways. It happens and you are not alone.

Your past mistakes don’t mean that you will “never be happy”. But how you behave now and what you do next is important to how you, the two women impacted by your actions and your child will get through this. If you can handle the next chapters in your story with integrity, sensitivity and honesty I think you will feel better about yourself. In essence, your future happiness is very much in your hands.

From my perspective, your wife deserves some honesty. She may already have suspicions as you say she has concerns about how you’ve been acting and neither of you are happy. No telling how she might respond but I think this is the place to start working your way through it.

Kind thoughts to you

Dadmeister
Community Member
Hi SA_87, a famous quote, “And the truth shall set you free”. You need to find the courage to fess up to your wife. Once you reveal the truth one burden will be lifted from you. Yes you will open up a whole new chapter of your life but honesty is everything. If my wife had confessed her cheating to me at the start instead of lying about it then perhaps we could have fixed things. As hard as it is you need to be the person that your child will be proud of one day and be honest no matter how much it hurts. Life may get worse in the interim but in the future things will sort themselves out. You have a child which is amazing and you want to be part of that child’s life. Stay strong and take care. Anthony

SA_87
Community Member

Thank you everyone for advising and suggestions. I do want to confess however I am scared of the consequences. The families humiliation, starting from scratch my life again, to name a few. Also I'm scared that I'll not get enough time to spend with my child after this. But I understand this would be the correct thing to do and will need a lot of courage to do so.

Also I would like to actually do this and be with the person with whom I can be myself. I don't have to pretend wheb I'm around her. We both deeply appreciate each other. However her actions which I some what blame on myself is something that I can't seem to accept.

She was with someone 4 times, and I know that person he used to be my friend. I know his mentality and his attitude towards girls. This is why I'm having difficulty to accept what she did with him.

At this moment my biggest problem I feel is that I can't stop picturing her with that guy, and it's causing me anxiety and difficulty to do anything. I can't see myself with her in the future, unless I get rid of these feelings cause I have had couple of outbursts in front of her when I met her after this.

This is what I'm scared of. If I confess my wife and I will split. But I don't know if I can be with the person I love anymore cause I can't stop imagining her with the other guy. I feel ill be left alone.

AAnd a bit about myself, I'm very low on confidence and always had troubled and stressed life. And also I'm almost in my mid 30s and I don't think so I will ever be able to be with anyone else again.

So whatever i choose I feel I'll be left alone all my life. And It scares me.

I do appreciate that people like you are here for the support and really thank you all for the positive words.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi SA_87,

I think it is perhaps unfair of you to not be able to forgive her for her indiscretion when you have a wife. I’m not saying that to make you feel bad or pass judgement, but just put it in perspective that she has perhaps had to accept some things that were very difficult to accept also. She obviously acted out of anger because of the things you told her and may have even done it to get back at you in some way. I suppose that you need to question whether you think she would ever do that again if you were together. The other thing is, it is never a good idea to leave a marriage for someone else. If you are unhappy in a marriage, you need to leave for yourself. Otherwise if this other relationship fails then you still feel good about your decision because your marriage wasn’t right. I think that you need to sit down and ask yourself what you really want. Whether you want to work on your marriage or you don’t see any prospect there anymore.

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi SA 87

I think Juliet 84 is making really good sense.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but your inability to forgive/forget your mistress for being with another man seems hypocritical. I’m not sure you have the right to be angry with her.

If you want to leave your wife and be with your mistress as you say, you’re going to have to let your concerns go. And you and your mistress will need to work on trust. Given the circumstances of the relationship outside your marriage and her fling this may be difficult for each of you.

So, yes, leaving your wife is taking a risk. There will be challenges. It will take effort. It might not work long term. There are no guarantees.

The alternatives are to stay stuck in an unhappy marriage or work to improve your marriage.

You don’t have to answer these questions on the forum unless you want to but have a think: Did you ever love your wife? If so, can you remember why? Can you find one thing you still love about her and build on that?

Kind thoughts to you