Guilt over breaking up with ex

[Bymywindow]

Hi, I've been dealing with some intense feelings of guilt since splitting with my partner of 15 years about 3 years ago. We have two great kids. 

She had always been prone to some anxiety and depression when we were together. This made the relationship difficult at times as her behaviour was at times challenging, and after the first year or two of difficulties she stopped seeking help for them, instead choosing to work on her mental health on her own. 

When we split she didn't take it well. I think the feeling of being rejected in the form of a break up played into her existing self esteem and self worth issues and significantly impacted her mental health.

On top of this, I felt a sense of freedom in leaving an unhappy relationship and started seeing someone new about 3 months later. This didn't go down well with my ex. She proceeded to send highly emotional guilt inducing text messages for the next year and a half....she says I ruined her life, and basically has a long list of grievances about everything I've done wrong.

My ex isn't doing well mentally, and I feel like my decision to split from her..... And even more so my decision to start seeing someone else has significantly impacted her. I feel so guilty about everything, the guilt is impacting my current relationship and my own mental health. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Bymywindow,

Welcome to our helpful and supportive community. We are grateful you found the strength and courage to post about your struggle with feeling guilty.

We understand that you left your former partner 3 years ago, and she refused to let you go. Instead, she has been blaming you and guilting you for the things she started refusing to seek help with after a year of marriage. It is unfortunate how many of us can find ways to blame other people so we can continue avoiding our own internal pain. At the same time, it is interesting to us how much we can hurt ourselves in the attempt to protect the people we love, or used to love, from their own internal stuff.

We would like to encourage you to call the BeyondBlue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 11 14, anytime of the day or night, any day of the year, and talk to the mental health specialist about some of this stuff which is frustrating you. This way, you can cease dumping it on your new partner. If the stuff requires multiple sessions with a therapist, please talk to your GP about getting a mental health plan so you can get several sessions with a mental health specialist who works with guilt and grief.

Again, welcome to hour forums. Feel free to post whenever you wish.

Sophie M.
 

[livi_mivi]

Hey Bymywindow, 

I'm really sorry to hear this, it sounds like an incredibly difficult position to be put in. It sounds as though you really gave this relationship your best shot and that you did what you needed to do to ensure that your own wellbeing was protected and sustained. Mental health should always be taken seriously and as scary, time-consuming and at times not easily accessible it is to get support and help for your mental health, it is an essential thing to do. I can imagine it would've been incredible difficult to see your partner experience such hard feelings and not trying to access the necessary support. It sounds like you too were experiencing a lot of pain and hurt in this relationship so I can imagine as sad as it was to let it go, it would be quite freeing. I think that this feeling should not be diminished by the hurt that you partner is currently experiencing. Sometimes, it can be hard to see things from another person's perspective when you are hurting but it doesn't excuse your ex's current behaviour towards you. It's understandable that you might be feeling a sense of guilt, so it's important to be kinder to yourself and remind yourself of what lead to this difficult decision in the first place. It could be worth seeking some support to overcome this to allow yourself to really thrive in this new sense of freedom. Have you considered connecting with a psychologist or therapist to potentially discuss this further? 

I wish you well and encourage you to continue reaching out on the forums for support!