Guilt from divorce

[butterfly379]

Hi,

New member here, feeling extreme guilt, loneliness and self-hate for ending my marriage. I won't state why I ended but more so feel terrible because of the impact it is having on our child. I feel selfish for putting what I wanted rather than the impact it would have on our child who has extra special needs and struggles with the transition between two places. All the anger I had against my ex has disappeared and I feel the opposite sad for him because his not coping with raising our child on his own; we have a shared care arrangement. I feel so guilty for breaking up our family and our child has no friends, siblings or cousins his age, the other night he stated he is very sad he doesn't have these things or a real family any more. I have moments of disbelief for what I did and feel lonely and isolated because I too struggle with friendships so I have no one to talk to and I have done and said things to my own family that upset them so not as close as what I thought it would be. I keep feeling like I want to go crawling back with my head between my knees very well knowing the marriage still wouldn't work but at least our child has a family again. I read alot of self-help books but I feel the content just isn't cutting it because I feel I don't deserve self-love, happiness etc when I never had gratitude for what I had, not thinking it through and destroying the solid foundation our child had.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear butterfly379,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums..

I am deeply sorry that your struggling so much with your decision to end your marriage.

You must have good reason to do so, I don’t know the reason, but would like to share a bit of my married life with you….because I still regret not being brave enough to end mine…

I subjected my children to a life of living in a DV upbringing for all their lives up until they were kicked out of our family age by an abusive and narcissistic man…my husband and there father, they were witness to the physical abuse and treatment of how my husband treated me…and they were also physically and emotionally abused until they were very young teenagers….I stayed with him..out of fear of him, plus out of fear of my kids not having there father around…my decision to stay with him…damaged my children’s mental health and also our relationship as mother and sons…..My husband passed away 9 years ago, I have rebuilt my relationship with my children now, but it took lots and lots of heartbreak to get to where we are today…..I’m sharing this with you, because staying in a marriage that is not a loving and caring relationship can cause a lot of stress, heartache and hurt for you and your beautiful son….I know if I had the courage that you have…my life and my children’s lives would have not been filled with the trauma it was…I’m not saying or even know if yours was a DV…but just wanted to share to let you know, that whatever reason it was…you and your beautiful son deserve a life of peace and togetherness…and that staying in an unhealthy relationship just to keep the family together doesn’t really work and it could be more harmful, mentally for both yourself and your son…

Your decision to leave was a heartfelt decision at the time, please don’t ever feel guilty for doing what you know was the right thing to do at that time…I have hated myself for not being brave enough to do what was right by my children and me…

I’m hoping that friends  will be found, through school or attending groups that you have an interest in….

Please talk here when you feel up to it…we are all here to help support you, no matter what decision you make…

My kindest thoughts Dear butterfly, with my care..

Grandy..

[sparrowhawk]

Hi butterfly, and welcome. You have come to a very supportive place.

Making the decision to leave an intimate, important relationship is not easy and not something to be taken lightly. I can relate very closely to what you have mentioned, as almost a year ago I left a very close relationship (almost like a marriage) and have struggled with guilt, self-hate and loneliness ever since. The other party made me feel that I was being incredibly selfish and that it was very easy for me to just up and go, when in reality I know that if I had stayed I may not be alive now. There have been a lot of good things that have come out of my leaving, but there's still huge guilt in having made a choice for myself and "disappointing" others.

It may help you to try and look at the situation as objectively as you can, perhaps even seeking advice or input from someone who's neutral. You know the reasons why you left, and they are your business. Sometimes, making a decision involving big changes does have difficult consequences, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't make the decision, that we're selfish, or that it's not right. When I left my relationship, I also left my home and my job, and have had to face a lot of challenges - but these consequences don't outweigh the toxicity of the environment or what I went through. I know that if I had stayed, it really would have become worse - but I still live with guilt and grief because I left something I loved.

Anger can fade over time, once you have space - but that doesn't mean that you should go back to a relationship. It might help to remind yourself why you left, to think about what consideration and thought went into your decision. It would likely also help to spend time talking with your son about how he feels, and to find a support person who can be with you as you navigate this time (it could be a friend or even a professional).

Guilt and grief are very real and difficult feelings, and I really hope they get better with time. Please keep reaching out when you can.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Butterfly379,

You and your son are going through a transition, and transitions are never easy. By nature we crave the known, what’s comfortable and familiar, even if it isn’t perfect or serving us anymore. Your son probably feels this more acutely given his special needs. But we would never grow if we stay in the comfortable and familiar. I stayed in a DV relationship for many years because it was comfortable and familiar even if it meant my self-esteem was trampled, I was disrespected on a regular basis and treated like dirt. Since then I have moved to a new place and I disliked that at first too, I didn’t know anyone, felt isolated and alone and wondered what I had done. But with time I have embraced this new place and all the new offerings it brings, a chance to be active, and my life has improved immeasurably and now this is my new normal and familiar. The same will happen to you, you just have to give it time and trust in the process. I read some advice recently and it basically said to picture the life you want and then work towards that and remove everything that takes you away from that. Your son has articulated that he wants more people around him, are you able to help facilitate that? Have him join after school activities or even support groups etc? 

[Tod]

Hi butterfly, 

I’m in the exact same situation as you are and I feel utterly helpless, I separated from my wife of 10 years last year and I’m struggling to come to terms with it all. We share custody of our 6 year old daughter and I know she’s confused and struggling with the transition. She has no cousins or siblings and I feel so guilty that I can’t provide her the stable family she needs, I’ve been particularly down in the dumps over this last Christmas period and can’t shake the guilt.

I just wanted to say that I feel for you in the same situation, I hope over time things will get better for us both, I wish you all the best.