Grown daughter & Father relationship or lack thereof

[Mrs_Sergeant]

Long story short...My parents divorced when I was very young & my father has been intermittently in my life.

I’m a middle aged woman now & he’s about to turn 70 and has said he’s giving up trying to have a relationship with me and my husband because we don’t give him the time of day & are disinterested.

He’s right, but whilst I might be indifferent to our relationship, I’m not completely heartless & don’t want to say that.

He’s written me a long winded text message & I was raised to be courteous so I will respond, however, I really don’t know what to say.

I don’t want to hurt his feelings but he’s right I don’t have a connection with him & was only persevering with letting him see the kids every few months (if that) for his sake. I have no feelings for this man & he says being rejected by his children (he left before my brother was 1, so he has even less of a connection) is a very bitter pill.

My husband and I are middle aged parents who work full time in demanding jobs, we juggle kids, school & sporting commitments and our precious time is split between trying to see other busy friends, time to work on our marriage, time as a family unit and time as individuals so, yes he’s right, we aren’t interested in hanging out more often. Especially with someone, realistically, I hardly know.

I cherish time with my children and would never abandon them even if my relationship with their father ended so I guess he is just reaping the consequences of poor life decisions.

How can I respectfully reply?

[Doolhof]

Hi Mrs. Sergeant,

Welcome to the community here on the forum. I can understand your point of view and I can also understand your father desiring things had been different and wanting to keep in touch now.

The reasons why your father left may not be understandable to him let alone yourself. Either way it happened and you obviously feel like being in contact with him is not something you want in your life.

If you don't mind me asking, how do your children feel about their grandfather being involved in their lives? Is it possible to ask them how they feel and see if they want to keep in touch with him? If they did would you allow that to happen?

Could he attend some of the sporting activities?

We all make mistakes. Some are bigger than others and have more repercussions. Hope you can come to some decision and decide how you want to handle this.

Cheers from Dools

[Karlsbad]

I feel that he is feeling regret but it is not coming across this way?

Unfortunatley if you try and fake a relationship with him, your the one who will be suffering not him.

I think if you simply state how you feel and why you feel this way that maybe he can let go of the need to be in your life more than your are willing for him to be.

Best of luck

x

[Alaskanight]

I wish I had something to help you reply but I just wanted to say you are not alone and that I too would never talk to my father again if given the choice.

Don’t feel guilty about this at all. He bought it on himself and probably regrets it now but won’t apologise or acknowledge he did the wrong thing. It’s his own doing.

Just do what’s best for you and your kids x