growing up with abusive father.

[cheesy24]

I was born in Africa and i didn't know my father until i was 6 years old. My upbringing back home was great, it was full of love and fun. After coming to here I quickly understood that the person my mother use to tell me about was not him. When I was around 8 years old is when the abuse really started to take off, not on just me but it trickled down to my mother as well. 

He would get drunk often and see us like burdens on him and verbally and physically abuse us (me mainly). I became the outlet for his anger and frustrations in life and would get blamed for things I had no part in. Imagine your father gets into an accident at work then comes home and whips you and slaps you because he was thinking about you. 

every time he'd come home, i would be fearful thinking about what's going to happen today ect. The abuse started to get worse when i was obviously struggling in school because i knew no english at all when i came here and the english i knew were just swear words i found funny from movies ( i didn't know what they meant). I would get parent/teacher interviews in primary school and would get home and start getting belted with the metal end of the belt while being called all these names, being told i was stupid and that I was lazy. It went like this for a long time and when i got to high school I got absolutely no support from them, I would get sent to school with no food not lunch money while my little siblings did. In my mind it made me feel like nobody cared about me and everything that i had been told about myself was true. this really hurt me to my core and i started to believe all of these things.

The abuse really had very bad effects on me because whenever there is a conflict I am involved in, I will turn into that little boy that was terrified of his father and not stand up for myself. When i was about 18 i got fed up with everything and I left the house and this is when i started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I won't blame that on him but he had a big part to play in it. 

I had a conversation with him recently about all the things that he use to do to me and said I have already forgiven you so i don't really care but his response was "I am not sorry for anything I did in the past to you, look now you are big and strong". when those words left his lips it took every ounce of strength in my body to not take his head off, all those years of abuse and neglect were about to be unleashed on him but somehow I stayed cool and told him the reason I am big and strong now is so nobody can do what you did to me when i was a little boy. He followed up by saying he could still hurt me and I told him if he ever put his hands on any of my little siblings or mother like he did me, I would go to jail for 20 years and your children would be raised without a father. I probable shouldn't have said that but i was very emotional at the time and it came out.

He was drinking while i had this conversation with him but i think the best thing for me to do is completely cut him off from all aspects of my life. I don't even want to look at him because it makes me sick inside.

[Sophie_M]

Hi cheesy24,

Thank you for having the bravery and strength to open up here. It sounds like there were so incredibly difficult times for you while growing up and no doubt those memories are painful. We are glad you could reach out here and you have demonstrated incredible strength being able to articulate this experience.

You are worthy of respect and no one should ever be subjected to violence especially while growing up. You can talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9am-5pm (AEST). Their counsellors work with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.

We've included some additonal resources which may be aimed at those in abusive relationships but we find super helpful in understanding the cycle of abuse and understanding that it is never your fault.

• Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse  
• 1800 RESPECT’s advice on healthy relationships.  
• Relationships Australia’s advice on communication in relationships   

You can also talk to the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors about this at any time on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat.  Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story.

Kind regards,  

Sophie M