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Grief just keeps visiting and triggering my anxiety/depression

Community Member

Okay, so here goes...my dear brother-in-law died from cancer Jan 2016. That was the first of five family deaths that year.

Fast forward this year...my great uncle passes away in April, my mother-in-law in May. There are ongoing issues with my nephew's high school who seems to be inept in the psychology of teenagers, and a dear cousin who I'm close to (I've posted on a different thread regarding that one) I had a fight with in September. And now my great-aunt, the last of her siblings and her generation, passed away on Monday (4.12) and the funeral was on Thursday. The funeral I had to help arrange. It was a beautiful service. Oh, and did I say I had a car accident early last month and a CT scan showed a congenital arterial and veinous malformation on my brain, for which my neurosurgeon has referred me to get an angiogram done? Where for every year of my life there's a 3% increased risk of a bleed/seizure, but because I'm at the prime of my life and the risk of surgery may mean the loss of my arm and face. Where does it stop?

I really can't take much more. I'm fed up. All I want is my family, and everything to be normal again. I just want my cousin back. Yes he did stupid stuff but how I handled it could've been better (but I'm human so I've forgiven myself - I think. I find it easier to forgive him than myself). How much more will life throw at me? I have regrets and wish to God I could wind the clock back. But I've so much to live for. But this latest loss has again triggered all the previous griefs, hurts and rejections all over again and I cry at the drop of a hat. All I want is for the earth to stop so that life can give me a breather, a break, for just a little bit, before getting back on its merry-go-round. I'm trying to look after myself and it's hard because I have so many commitments. But if it weren't for my husband and kids I shudder to think where I might (or might not) be.

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Cooky, welcome

Sorry for your loses.

Life can throw a lot at us and youve had your fair share. Considering families suffer a loved one passing on average every 10 years, you've had a full bag.

The one thing you can do is focus on what you have got, not what youve lost. Easier said than done. With practice your life will change.

To highlight some ideas please google the following

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: switching mindsets- beyondblue

Topic: innerr peace, the glory of being you- beyondblue

Topic: inexpensive recovery idea, camping- beyondblue

Topic: coping with grief- beyondblue

I hope you get something out of those. There are thousands more

Repost if you want.

Tony WK

Community Member

Hi Cookyboy12,


Thank you for sharing your story on BeyondBlue.


As I read through your thread, I was dumbfounded by how much you are currently going through and how relatable it was to my situation I am also still currently experiencing.


This year has been unfathomable for me. My cousin passed away earlier this year, my uncle also passed away earlier this year. Just when I though my bad luck had surely ran out, my brother and partner were viciously assaulted - my brother sustained serious injuries meanwhile my partner was left unconscious with a brain haemorrhage which has resulted in secondary health complications (i.e. seizures and spinal cord damage). Shortly after the event, our first pet passed away suddenly without warning. The night after, my partner lost his dad suddenly without warning either.


Just a few weeks ago, his grandfather passed away from terminal lung cancer.


And now I’m experiencing some health issues myself.


All in all, I can completely empathise with how you may feel - I can’t even put it into words how complicated this must feel for you because I know how complicated it is for me. (To be honest, complicated is an understatement in itself).


I want you to know you are not alone in this. We can get through it. All we have to do is take it day by day.


We can do it together. 😊

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Cookyboy12~

I'm answering your post you put elsewhere. It is very hard to give someone affection and help them though tough times for them to turn around and be cruel and unkind. It makes one feel used and very devalued. It sounds very much like your cousin is such a person. The fact his sister followed suit and unfriended your mum and yourself is really a reflection on her too.

I'd suspect you are right and now he has found a new person in the form of his girlfriend to support him he simply wants to forget about those that went before. While I don't know all the facts I would say in passing that people are not always as grateful for help later on as they should be. It can remind them that they were vulnerable and did not behave as well as they should.

One thing I would suggest. You have had -and still have - people in your life who both loved you and were worth loving. Your grandfather sounds like he was one. I suspect your mother might be another. Plus I'd hope your husbands and kids love you too. Your grandfather may have passed on but his love is still in you, and being loved helps remind us we are worthy of love. I know, that might sound a bit soppy, but at least for me is true and important.

Having that congenital malformation would remind you we are all on earth for a limited time, and that in an ideal world all one's family should rally round. Sadly some are shortsighted and selfish. At one stage I though I was going to succumb to cancer (happily not the case) and found trying to surround oneself with those that did love was a comfort.


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Cookboy12

I too am answering your post on Dr Kim's thread.

There have been a lot of deaths in your family over the past year or more. How hard is that. I can't even being to imagine the sadness and pain you are experiencing at the moment. My mother and father, and their siblings all passed away quite a long time ago now. I remember grieving for each one. They weren't in close succession like yours.

There's a number of steps one goes through with grieving - e.g. denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These happen in any order and there is no set time limit either. So my thoughts are you would be at various stages for each and every one. It must be so difficult. Then to add to all that, the situation with your cousin. I can hear your emotional pain through the words you have written.

I'd imagine your cousin would also be going through grieving as well. It's no excuse though is it for how he is acting towards you and your mother. Sometimes you can never tell with people and my experience in life is - friends do the things they want to.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for all your loses and hope you are able to continue to reach out to us here.

Kind regards


Thanks Pam. Yes I know it's no excuse for my cousin's reaction. But you're right I'd imagine he's grieving (knowing him), especially in how I reacted to the situation....not exactly in the nicest way. We've been down the same mental path and we're so much alike. Kind of like a love/hate relationship. And when he's well he's such a wonderful,warm-hearted, selfless and giving guy. As my psychologist once said, because we're so close it would distress him to see me go through all this. But right now he's been overtaken by a monster who I don't know.

All these emotions have come up since my beloved Poppy died and I guess I'm just. not. coping. It's reopened some very old wounds that I'd sooner forget. It's like I've got a huge hole right in my guts. I'm waiting to hear from my psych to touch base with her. I've been seeing her on and off for 4 years and she's the best psych I've met. The last few days have been s*** but at least I can look forward to some happy moments in the form of parties, coming up. Parties with people who understand when I need to take myself to a room by myself for a while. I miss my Poppy so much. He was my father figure when my own 'sperm donor' dad didn't step up to the plate, the one who gave me away on my wedding day, the one who nursed my children - his great-grandchildren. A WWII vet (Lest We Forget). And I'll always be so proud of him. He's alive - in heaven and in my heart. Always and forever.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Dear Cookyboy

Reading your post made me very sad for you and want you are going through. I'm pleased to hear you have a psych appointment. It's so good to have someone to talk to.

That hole in the guts really hurts doesn't it? Especially when you're hurting for someone you loved so much and who obviously cared for you and your children. He must have been so lovely, and as you say he will be in your heart always and forever. Beautiful words. Words are so helpful when you're feeling like you are. I'm not sure if you'll like it,but there is one thread here that I find incredibly soothing when I'm hurting and paining and that is -

Words of comfort, encouragement and wisdom. You'll find it in the staying well forum. Though the easiest way to find it is to do a Beyond Blue search for that phrase. It's by Birdy and has lots of contributors who go there.

I am pleased to hear you have friends who understand when you take yourself away from the party. Just remember you're not alone.

Old wounds are the pits aren't they. I liken it to peeling off the scab and leaving the wound open, bleeding and needing attention. Some soothing lotion and a bandaid to help the soreness. What sorts of things do you like doing to help calm yourself? For example, going for walks along a beach or in a rainforest? Maybe even a nice long warm bubble bath? Being kind and gentle on yourself is really important because of what you're going through.

Are you able to take some time out from the family and to have time for yourself? Just to do anything and everything for you?

Has your psych given you tools for managing yourself when you are hurting like this? For example, using CBT, mindfulness, relaxation, distraction techniques? I find grounding myself when really hurting helps to settle myself. I do this by taking my shoes off and wiggling my toes in the grass or sand and letting the energy of the earth move up through my legs, into my whole body, head and mind. All the while focusing on the warmth of the grass and sand.

Keep reaching out to us, you are not alone.

Kind regards