grandparents alienation?

[shorti]

My husband doesn't like my Dad. 

I'm not allowed to visit him with my toddler unless my husband is present. I'm allowed to go visit Dad whenever I want, just not with my toddler.

I grew up in a disfuncional family, parents divorced when I was young, and my mother died 20 years ago. There is domestic violence at my dad's, the house is always a mess. My Dad has manipulated me in the past, such as forcing us to contest my mother's father's will to give my Dad the money so he can put towards a house. My mum's house was sold by her family and I guess money got stolen, so my Dad made us contest her father's will so we got some money back. I didn't want to but I was threatened to be left out of his will if I didn't. 

My Dad also jokes a lot, my husband is from Europe and he has joked about the food he eats and that he prefers soccer over AFL etc. 

We visited Dad this Easter and he was trying to work out if our toddler was left handed or right handed and mentioned left handed people have a disorder. This is the type of jokes he does and my husband doesn't like it.

My dad also gives unwanted advice about our parenting style.

My Dad also doesn't want my toddler learning my husband's language from what my sister told me but Dad denies it when I ask.

I need to talk to my Dad but he can get defensive. I think he thinks he is still the boss, even though we are all adults. My husband says he does not look at my Dad as a role model.

I told my husband he doesn't have to visit my Dad but he said I can't go with our toddler because he doesn't trust my Dad. I still love my Dad and want him to have a relationship with my child, especially since I don't have my Mum. Yes my Dad is annoying but he is still my Dad. 

My Dad is upset that I didn't visit while I was on maternity leave, but I can't tell him that I'm not allowed to. 

My husband says that we didn't have a child for his parents or my Dad, we did it for us. My husband wants to either move interstate or over to Europe to get away from everyone. I really don't know what to do, although I do need to seriously talk to my Dad, but I don't know how without accidentally saying this is what my husband thinks.  

My husband thinks it's too late to mend the relationship because my dad's at an age where he won't change.

Is this grandparents alienation?

[Croix]

Dear Shorti~

Reading your posts over the years it sounds as if both your dad and your husband have placed you in a position where to please one you displease the other. Also both have (and your husband still is) tried to control what you do. Neither seems to place you first.

I understand you love your dad, even though he has some bad habits, and also understand to some extent that your husband does not want your toddler in a house with him, or your brother who is violent. The thing is though it is not just his toddler, a child  belongs to both parents, and as his mum you need to be able to make decisions based upon what you feel is best.

Similarly you are not some servant who is 'allowed' by your huband to do something and 'not allowed' to do something else. That is not an equal partnership.

Before deciding what to do can I suggest you consider how you would like your toddler to grow up, and if a not-perfect grandfather is overall going be be better than no grandfather - and also the example of a wife being controlled by a husband.

I'm not sure how it will turn out if you ask your dad to try not to making disparaging jokes, do you think it will make any difference?

I know in the past your husband has been inflexible -for instance while he admitted if you took your ring off to stream he would not like it he was not prepared to leave his on to comfort you. What do you think would happen if you went against his wishes if you decided your toddler should visit your dad?

I"m not offering answers, just am trying to set out the problem from an outside point of view. It is a stressful time, do you have anyone who just wants to support you and show they care, not try to tell you what to do?

Croix

[Juliet_84]

Well shorti,

Aren’t you the proverbial meat in the sandwich?! It must be so hard to be stuck in the middle. I can see where your husband is coming from, your dad sounds as though he has a lot of problematic behaviours and he might be worried some of them rub off on your impressionable young toddler. But he is your father and you love him, and your husband needs to respect that. He doesn’t need to look at him as a role model, your husband doesn’t really need that in his life to be honest and you can’t hold all people to that standard. But at the very least you should be able to take your toddler with you when you go and visit him alone as you will be there anyway. I think you might need to negotiate with your husband and perhaps try a relationship counselor who can help establish boundaries and negotiate what’s permissible etc.