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Giving him space but I have questions!

Community Member

Just a little background. My hubby & I separated 9-10 months ago because I told him I needed out. I was suffering from self hatred but turning that on him & blaming him!!! (I didn't know this is what was happening until very recently) During the first few months he kept trying to "fix me" by showing me how much he loved me & I found this smothering pushing him even further away!!!

 He kept insisting I had depression so went to our GP to discuss & instead of looking at my mental health she assessed him & found that he had depression although not full blown it was enough for her to be concerned & giving medication to help!!!

During this time he sought counselling but I was still in denial that any issues were mine so I wouldn't go to any counselling myself!!!! In the meantime he was putting out our wedding albums, hanging wedding pictures on the walls, telling me he loved me & I was beautiful in front of our kids which infuriated me because I kept thinking it was all a stunt to manipulate me, instead of seeing it as he actually did feel these things & was trying to help me!!! 

Anyway fast forward to now I have been seeking the help I should've gotten back then & realised I do really love him & always have & everything he was trying to do was to help me!!! I have told him everything & explained as much as I can but he has closed off to me & now pushing me away!!! This is killing me but I know I cannot push him to want to try again!!

Anyway my issue is we had a big discussion the other night where I told him everything about hating myself & discovering how this is why I reacted the way I did!!! After asking some questions about "how did I not know I hated myself?" & me not really not knowing the answer yet or if I ever will, he has said he needs space which I am happy to give but I have some questions for him with regards to things he told me in this same conversation!! Should I ask him to talk some more, leave him be or give him the questions as I have written them down???

I don't want him to feel like I'm pushing him like I felt pushed but I didn't have time to process the things he said to me when we talked the other night & I feel like I need to ask these questions!!! 

2 Replies 2

Community Member

Hello Louise1

Is it alright if I give you a hug first? 

It does sound a little confusing your situation.  Hating yourself, yes I can relate to that. Like you ....I don't think I love myself either. For me, I then find it difficult to actually believe people do care about me. 

Yes it does appear to me that some husbands, put on their Mr Fix it hats. I don't know sometimes I want to be just understood, or feel like I am not alone in what are I am struggling with. Is that like you, Louise?

I have also experienced in the recent past, that if your husband says, he needs space. Then I believe we need to respect him in this. And yes I know your questions are probably trying to burst out too.  

Well I am not sure if anything I have said helps at all, but I hope you don't feel alone now, because I do care.

With love 

Shelley xxx


Hi Shelley

thanks so much for your reply!!! I decided to give him the letter with the questions but i realised I don't need the answers I just need him to know he is not the only one that has questions with our relationship!!!

He has yet to read it but also showed me yesterday why he still needs so much space!!! I have moved so far forward with my problems & putting them behind me & am in such a good place but he is still stuck in the past & has not dealt with his depression, stress, anger or sadness!!!

He is trying to use & blame outside sources to make him feel better but not taking the responsibility to help himself by recognising that he has these issues still!!

i can't be the one to wear or take on these problems anymore otherwise I can see myself going back to the person I was & hated so much!!

so I have told him that I love him but I will give him that space & keep moving forward myself otherwise I'll get stuck in his issues!!!