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Giving an ultimatum to my ex
This guy and I have been on and off in a relationship for one year. The reason is because he is friends with a girl who I feel is a threat (one time when he and I were broken up, they jokingly flirted and ppl thought they were dating)
The other night I expressed that I feel hurt whenever he sees her , but despite me expressing my feelings, he says ,”she is my friend. I will continue to see her.”
and so. I gave him an ultimatum. If you see her I’ll leave for good. If you don’t see her, I’ll stay”
that was a week a go. He hasn’t told me his decision. During the week we have been talking like every thing is great, but nothing about what I brought up.
what do you think I should do? This is my first time bringing up an ultimatum . I understand it’s not right to tell someone to no longer be friends wth another, but I’ve been feeling hurt for a year now now , have continually brought up my feelings to him about the matter, but despite it all, he still hangs with her because as he says “we are friends”
I assume the "flirting" event was witnessed by others not yourself as they thought they were "dating". Third parties assessment of what could be just friendship can be damaging if inaccurate.
But there is another concern, even if it was flirting, you both had broken up, therefore he was free from relationship obligations.
Every good relationship needs strong trust and if it isnt there, ultimatums are not productive imo. He could see them as emotional blackmail or in the least- control. If the other girl doesnt have those tendencies what do you think he will find more attractive to him?
I'm sorry if you find this confronting but ultimatums can cause people to run away as it is using love as a lever. To keep your guy, love should be used as your greatest asset along with friendship. If then it doesnt work out, it wasnt meant to be.
I have mostly female friends. My sensitive nature tends to connect to women. My wife accepts that and we trust each other fully. There is no way she would restrict who I make friends with.
I hope I've clarified the situation.
thanks for replying to my post, it was helpful.
i am still a lil miffed he hasn’t said anything about my ultimatum, meaning he is ignoring me or thinks i didn’t mean what I said.
what advice do you have for me about it? Should it be left unsaid?
Its a difficult one as I dont know him. But here is how I'd approach it.
I'd try to be mature and have a talk, no distractions. Tell him your ultimatum was over the top but you do love him and along with that comes jealousy and protection. Tell him you do want him to have female friends but you dint want to get hurt.
So, as your relationship is in its infancy, you are prepared to trust him unless proven otherwise.
Ask him for some reassurance sometimes.
There is no ultimate guarantee of trust. He might well end up having an affair but your relationship is more at risk if you place it under pressure.
I hope that helps. By the way, well done in listening to some criticism. You are one brave lady.
sorry to bother you again. but I have a question.
Despite my ultimatum last week, he , that girl and other mutual friends hung out at his place last night for games. (I used to be invited but felt uncomfortable with it all so no longer go)
this morning, he just asked if sometime this week if we can hang out? ....like , um what?
Didn’t the deep conversation we had just week mean nothing him? Like ok I get it. He obviously decided to still hang with her but it annoyed me when he’s like, “last night I had game night with them all. But oh! Do you want to hang this week?”
He obviously thinks I wasn’t serious about what I said. “if he hangs with her. I no longer hang with him”
How should I approach this?
I’m sorry . But my thoughts are scattered.
as white knight said a relation requires a little bit of trust.
now I could speculate about what he thought but that would not help. It sounds like you are concerned that some deeper relationship might develop between them? You also said that you have been hurting for a year. Is the hurt you refer to all based on his actions and how you perceive them? I am not saying that something did or did not happen, except that my own experience I will not necessarily trust something that someone else tells me - but that is just me. It is better to talk to the individual. I digress.
But if this is something on your mind, it would normal to think that something bad will happen.
Back the conversation you had with him... how did you say it to him? Were you angry? Sad? How did he react?
Last question... what do your own friends think? have you said anything to them? if so, did they give you any advice?
I await your answers to Tim's questions. In the meantime I think the point he highlighted about not listening too much to other people is a good one. There is a saying "straight from the horses mouth"- i.e. get it from the person concerned - directly.
yes I am definitely concerned a deeper relationship will form between the two, but I guess it doesn’t really matter now as he said they have a close friendship.
When I told him about the ultimatum last week, I was upset. Not crying but emotionally upset and he then became upset too, saying he thought this day would come.
my friends tell me I should just listen to him and believe him when he says nothing will happen between her and I. But I cannot stop feeling her as a threat.
I am so close to sending him a reply to his “do you want to hang out this week?” with “yes I would love to hang with you but I made my words clear last weekend... nothing has been spoken about it since, so I can only assume the situation is still the same. ..
I suppose when answering your question we all give suggestions based on out own values experiences.
Tim and Tony have given you helpful suggestions and asked interesting questions.
If your partner has a friend that you are worried will be more than a friend it does pose problems. I have had always had friends with males, I am female, and I find it is tricky when in a relationship. There needs to be understanding and negotiation.
I understand you have said the ultimatum but do you really want that?
I understand you see the girl as a threat, but are you prepared to end the relationship when you are not really sure there is nothing going on.
You mentioned your relationship has been on and off. I wonder have your problems been around your partner having this female friend or were there other problems.?
Thanks for being honesty and your willingness to answer questions.
it is true that yes the problems have been happening because of his female friend. But no. In all honesty I am not prepared to end the friendship not knowing if something happened or not (If it’s just myself doing mind games)
late this week it has really hit me hard. I feel like crying. I’ve been going out to places by myself thinking it will distract me but I’m still constantly thinking about it.