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Girlfriend gone, where to next?

Community Member
well last time I posted I was afraid of losing my then girlfriend. I only went and lost her. I've been pretty distraught, not being able to concentrate, missing her, crying a lot, and I just can't see myself ever getting out of this hole I'm in. I tried so hard to help her, to make her happy, and I ruined it all. Of course she assured me I didn't but I just can't convince myself, I can't let go. She's the best I was ever gonna have. I've been seeing a psychologist for about a month now but it feels as if it's going nowhere, not helped by the lack of motivation to help and recover myself. Without her what's even the point of recovering? We had our first call in about two months, first interaction online in 3 weeks, and I just couldn't tell her, I don't know, should I tell her how much this has affected me? That call was probably my chance but we're so distant know I didn't really know what to say. Is telling her just mean and selfish? I'm so lost.
10 Replies 10

Hi confirmed08,

We are sorry to hear that you've been going through so much lately, we can hear just how hurt and hard things are for you right now. It can be so difficult to sit with such strong emotions, so please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you. It also takes a lot of courage to reach out to our online community, so we’re really glad that you have.

We want to remind you that all life is important, including yours and you have significant strength and deserve to live a happy life.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Confirmed, your girlfriend means so much to you and I'm sorry she has gone, perhaps this feeling which could have been constant is a reason why so has gone, sometimes people want to believe in trust and hope their partner also has this trust, if there is constant doubt, this can force the couple to break up, especially when they are talking to someone else, then this feeling of staying together is unnecessarily questioned.

Contact her and tell her you are currently visiting a psychologist, but please remember, this counsellor is trying to understand the problem and how they can help you and it's not usually solved straight away, but contact her.


Hey Geoff thanks for the reply

You could well be right, all my worrying and lack of belief in what she was trying to assure me was probably how I lost her in the end.

I don’t really know what to tell her and how to say it in regards to mentioning my psychologist, I don’t want to make it seem as if I’m trying to make her feel guilty or that I’m trying to get her back. I still want to remain friends with her but it’s hard when I can’t get over her and can’t really see myself ever getting over her.

I’m going to stick with the psychologist until Christmas probably and review it then, see if I feel they’re the right person for me. I don’t know if it’s really the right thing though as I said I just don’t really see any worth in myself to try fix myself. I just always saw myself as second to my girlfriend and that I could just help her in life as I don’t have much of a future.

I’ve ruined everything

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi there Confirmed08 - Wow your post brought back very strong emotions within me as exactly the same thing happened to me a few years ago. I'd like to share it with you as I too felt I would never recover.

From the moment I first saw her, she was my Miss Perfect. I worked up the courage to ask her out and it went on from there - four years of bliss, with her living together with me.

Then I started to sense she was looking for more - she had travelled widely and mentioned that maybe she was getting just a bit bored with where we were living. The alarm bells went off and I shouted her to a range of fairly adventurous holidays but I still sensed my feelings towards her were not reciprocated as strongly.

Then her Ex came out from England as part of a fake worldwide trip and she fall head over heels with him again and went back to England with him. The affair with him didn't last at all but that's not the point.

I was completely wrecked and thought about her constantly over weeks and weeks. Yes we did catch up as she had to pick up her piano from my place, but that only made it worse.

I wrote a 'letter of closure' as suggested by a friend and that helped but only a little bit.

What helped the most was getting as active with my work, social and sporting life as I could just to keep my mind off her. Of course I told her I would never stop loving her, but was careful not to put pressure on her as trying the guilt trip rarely works.

What did work? Just time. After about 4-5mths the pain subsided quite a lot as I got on with my life. I did go o ut with a couple of girls but only casually.

Then about two years later I met someone who was better than my ex girlfriend in every way. Introduced by a friend, she is gorgeous, independant and completes me. Oh yes, and also my wife, as we got married after five years (I wanted to make sure this time!)

I met my ex girlfriend at a party a year or two ago - she was still looking for Mr Right, and was very interested in my wife. Jealous I think. And I am glad to say the old flame had completely gone out.

The point of all this? Confirmed08 you obviously have lots to offer. Go with the pain you are currently feeling as it is perfectly normal. Just let it roll over you and try to keep busy with other things. Try not to chase her as she most likely won't want that. Keep your self respect intact.

There is every chance Miss Right is not far away and you will look back on this as a period of learning.

All the very best - The Bro

Community Member

That is definitely some very wise info. Yes I know with woman you can’t chase too hard or put too much pressure on them. If she wanted to reciprocate she would. It’s just one of those things. When you do get on with your life I guarantee she will want to get back together but by then you would of moved on and it be too late for her.

life is very strange ay. I don’t understand why it works like this but I think things always work out better in the end.

took me awhile to get over my ex and I was only dating for 2-6 months (friends w b and then dating).

let’s just say I done a lot of silly things after we broke up (parties and pines cars haha).

anyway bro just chin up. Try keep positive. 😊

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Confirmed, can you just say to her that you're talking with someone, she doesn't need to know that it's a psychologist, that's between you and them, not unless she has suggested this, and I only say this because it may put you as the person needing help, when actually it may not be so.

Talk with this psychologist, they may be able to open closed doors that you hadn't considered before and give you the strength to move on in other ways.


Hi The Bro, thank you so much for sharing that story.

None of my friends have really been through anything like this so it's great to hear how someone else has coped with it. I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are so happy together. Sadly being in year 12 distracting myself with schoolwork is hardly enjoyable and my motivation has tanked but I'm going to try take your advice and find things to do here and there, with lockdown seemingly coming to an end things might get easier.

Thank you Andre I appreciate it!

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Thanks AndreP - good onya!

Yes life certainly can serve up many curved balls - just go with them and you will always look back on them as learning experiences.

Onwards and upwards! The Bro