Girlfriend broke up with me due to her mental health - struggling to deal with it

SpanishSahara · ‎10-10-2019

Hi, first time posting here, please try to be understanding.

So my gf recently broke up with me because she said she needed to seriously address her mental health (which is plagued from an emotionally abusive past relationship) and, although she still had feelings for me, she couldn't do that and be with me at the same time. These past few weeks and even beyond she has been distant, aloof, moody. I respect her decision, she has to do what's best for her. But I am struggling to accept that we're over. We have been best friends since 2013, we got together in Nov 2018 and my life feels incomplete without her to talk to, hang out with, be with, etc. I have told her I love her, I don't want anyone else and that I would wait for her, regardless of how long it took for her to feel that she was in a better place. I acknowledge this is almost certainly a bad idea - a person's recovery doesn't have a deadline - but I honestly thought she was the one. I am getting by, still seeing friends/doing hobbies and stuff, but everything feels like something is missing. The world has less colour. I keep wanting to talk to her but I know that won't make me feel better. I keep thinking of everything I did and didn't do these past few months and whether if i had/hadn't done them, she wouldn't have broken up with me. I'm terrified she'll get a better handle on her mental health and not want to get back together. I've talked to a few close friends about it, and they've all more or less said that I need to move on, properly, and not pine over her or be resistant to new opportunities. But that's easier said than done. I'm not ready to say goodbye to this relationship. I definitely won't pressure her, make her feel bad about her decision, or anything like that. But that's honestly how I feel. I don't expect anyone to tell me what I'm doing is completely correct, but I think it's best to be clear.

Has anybody been through something like this? How did you deal with it? And what would you do in my shoes?

white knight · ‎10-10-2019

Hi, welcome

It is a difficult time for you and I'm glad you've reached out here, not an easy thing to do.

What would I do? Well if love doesn't bring her to return to you and want to be with you, no amount of expressing your love now will draw her back. Whatever her motivation, even if she is using mental health as an excuse, it doesn't matter really, she wants a break and it could be permanent.

So in your case time is the best healer and I'm glad you have the wisdom to involve yourself with hobbies and friends. Those distractions are important to your well being.

So imagine if you had married and had children and the marital bond was like 10 years, the pain would have been more intense and with kids ongoing. I'm not discounting your pain, I'm saying that maybe there is a hidden positive in there that you might only know of down the track.

Having had 4 long term relationships all over 7 years long I can honestly declare that you'll get to a point whereby you'll want to date another girl. Then the healing gets a turbo boost as your feelings for a new girl takes hold. Until then try not to bury your hands in your head too often and for more than a few minutes. Get up and walk around, change your immediate environment and things will work out better for you.

All the best

TonyWK

SpanishSahara · ‎13-10-2019

Thanks TonyWK for your reply.

I'm not doing good. I've tried keeping open communications with her - asking about her job, etc - but honestly it's tearing me up inside. I don't know what to do. I'm scared that we won't be able to go back to being friends if this doesn't work out. We've known each other for many years, we're the best of friends (or rather, we were before we got together). It's like a black ache in my chest. I've talked to people about it, I've tried to stay busy. Everything comes back to feeling miserable and alone. The nights are the worst. I know time will heal, but it's so hard right now. I just want her back.

white knight · ‎13-10-2019

Thanks for replying SS.

You have much insight to essential repair needs like time and distraction so great there. You know though, nothing takes that hollow feeling of loss away.

Writing notes can help. I do poetry. Anything to move the process along.

TonyWK