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Getting over being cheated on
You have had a horrible time and have put more than 100% into your marriage, something you very obviously prize greatly. After so much effort and love you've found out your wife has not only accepted all your efforts but strayed elsewhere. You ask if you would ever get over the pain. I'd think that has to be a two-person job.
I can see very little in your messages that shows your wife has been making any effort to look after you or shoulder her share of the marriage. Perhaps I'm missing something, but it would seem to me a very one-sided arrangement. A marriage needs to be a partnership and both people have to have love for the other and care for them, making their life as good as possible. This is willingly done from affection not duty. I'm not saying there has to be an exact balance, but there does have to be love and care.
I'm sorry to sound so negative, however the fact she allows you to comfort her isn't any real indication of her regard for you, even if it does get you physically closer.
Perhaps I'm not as tolerant or forgiving a person as you , but at the very least I'd want my wife to try to be a partner. I'm not sure that depression is a reason for an affair, though I'd agree when looking at myself it can be a reason for seeming cold and remote. Again looking at me while there were times when I was withdrawn, remote and angry, even resentful, all through I valued my partner, drew comfort from her being there for me, and when I improved tried very hard to make up for things.
May I ask if your wife is under treatment? If not then maybe that is one avenue that might help. Apart from that what do you think could be done to have a more even relationship?
I'd imagine all the time you are treated as you have been the hurt will not go away, quite the reverse.
Hello RCR, please let me welcome you to the forum and thanks for your comment.
Sometimes when anybody gets depression/anxiety they want to seek comfort outside their marriage or r/ship for various reasons,
You have done more than your share while being betrayed behind your back, that's going to be disappointing and feel as though the trust has been broken.
This can be overcome while you're with her, but when you're at work these past thoughts are going to annoy you, until you are sure that nothing else will happen, because what's happening is that you are consoling her, but not sure whether or not she is doing her bit to forget about him.
I wouldn't be so tolerant as you are, but love is a strong word.
What you can do is ring her at different times of the night to see how she is going, she might want to talk with you as you have forgiven her.
I wish you the best and hope to hear back from you.
Hi RCR, thanks for your reply and getting back to us, that does take a lot of strength.
I have ticked your last comment because I agree with you.
You and the boys are what you have to consider and for her to attend only one session, to instead feel that she could be consoled by her ex-boyfriend is something you will have to watch out for because if this does happen then you will need to make a decision.
I'm really sorry that this has happened.
Thanks for coming back and talking more. I do hope that your wife does understand fully what she has done and is sincere in wanting things to be better.Her addressing her treatment will undoubtedly be a start.
I can understand your feelings, and I'm not sure anyone would know if they should persevere or make a break. Deciding in advance about infidelity is all well and good. When it actually happens things change, I'm not even sure it is a decision one can consciously make. Perhaps it is a question of keeping on going and seeing what happens.
Your boys are lucky to have you. Actually so is your wife.