Getting over being cheated on

[RCR]

5 years ago, with the birth of our second child, my wife was diagnosed with post natal depression and anxiety. Our second son did not sleep well and our first had been diagnosed with high functioning autism, which added to the stress we were both under. I developed a sleep disorder which resulted in me sleep walking and acting aggressive at nights. I went to a sleep specialist and the sleep disorder was soon under control with the help of a CPAP machine to treat sleep apnea I didn't even know I had, while my wife went to a psychologist. The next 5 years were difficult as my wife continued to be distant with both our children and me. We went to marriage counselling and I put everything I had into the relationship. A normal day would involve me getting up early to have the boys fed, dressed and ready to walk out the door for school. I would often make my wife a cooked breakfast and leave notes, telling her she is loved and valued, around the house. After a full day of work I would return to make dinner and put the boys to bed. I would then clean while my wife went on drives to get some space. I'd make lunches for everyone with a note for her to read at lunch on the days she worked. I also took the boys to my parent's house for a few nights each holidays. Every year on her birthday I would arrange babysitters, a hotel and things to do in the city for us both, as well as other date nights throughout the year. I thought things were progressing well, even though I felt I was the only one making an effort, I felt we were going ok. In march this year my wife informed me that she had been having an affair with an ex boyfriend 'for a while'. At least a year, probably more. I later discovered it was only over because the other guy's wife had found her photos on his phone. Turns out he told her he loved her and that they would escape each other's problems together. When discovered he told his wife she was just a crazy person who sent him nudes and denied any relationship. Although she acknowledges she was being used, she still loves him and I have spent many nights comforting her broken heart. In a lot of ways I feel like we are closer now and communicating better, and when I am with her I forget how hurt and betrayed I feel. But, at night and while I'm at work, I feel like a rabbit is trying to escape my chest as I picture them together and rethink every moment of the past year or more. I've forgiven her, I'll never stop loving her, but will I ever get over the pain?

[Croix]

Dear RCR~

You have had a horrible time and have put more than 100% into your marriage, something you very obviously prize greatly. After so much effort and love you've found out your wife has not only accepted all your efforts but strayed elsewhere. You ask if you would ever get over the pain. I'd think that has to be a two-person job.

I can see very little in your messages that shows your wife has been making any effort to look after you or shoulder her share of the marriage. Perhaps I'm missing something, but it would seem to me a very one-sided arrangement. A marriage needs to be a partnership and both people have to have love for the other and care for them, making their life as good as possible. This is willingly done from affection not duty. I'm not saying there has to be an exact balance, but there does have to be love and care.

I'm sorry to sound so negative, however the fact she allows you to comfort her isn't any real indication of her regard for you, even if it does get you physically closer.

Perhaps I'm not as tolerant or forgiving a person as you , but at the very least I'd want my wife to try to be a partner. I'm not sure that depression is a reason for an affair, though I'd agree when looking at myself it can be a reason for seeming cold and remote. Again looking at me while there were times when I was withdrawn, remote and angry, even resentful, all through I valued my partner, drew comfort from her being there for me, and when I improved tried very hard to make up for things.

May I ask if your wife is under treatment? If not then maybe that is one avenue that might help. Apart from that what do you think could be done to have a more even relationship?

I'd imagine all the time you are treated as you have been the hurt will not go away, quite the reverse.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello RCR, please let me welcome you to the forum and thanks for your comment.

Sometimes when anybody gets depression/anxiety they want to seek comfort outside their marriage or r/ship for various reasons, however the possibility of forming their own p/ship is possible, but this only complicates the situation.

You have done more than your share while being betrayed behind your back, that's going to be disappointing and feel as though the trust has been broken.

This can be overcome while you're with her, but when you're at work these past thoughts are going to annoy you, until you are sure that nothing else will happen, because what's happening is that you are consoling her, but not sure whether or not she is doing her bit to forget about him.

I wouldn't be so tolerant as you are, but love is a strong word.

What you can do is ring her at different times of the night to see how she is going, she might want to talk with you as you have forgiven her.

I wish you the best and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[RCR]

Thanks for your responses. She has begun to make an effort now and says she realises she has been taking me for granted. She was receiving treatment but, unbeknownst to me, only attended one session and then felt she could consoled by her ex boyfriend instead. I've convinced her to resume her treatment and we'll see how we go. I'm not sure what the future will hold, but I'll just keep carrying on. My boys are my main priority. If we didn't have kids I may not have been so tolerant. I always suspected something may have been going on but always told myself she would never do that to me. Now I know to be more vigilant. I also always told myself infidelity would be the last straw. But here I am. I keep swaying from determination to keep the family together despite my ego to feeling that what she has done is beyond what I can live with. I just need to decide where I want to be and what I will endure to get there.

[geoff]

Hi RCR, thanks for your reply and getting back to us, that does take a lot of strength.

I have ticked your last comment because I agree with you.

You and the boys are what you have to consider and for her to attend only one session, to instead feel that she could be consoled by her ex-boyfriend is something you will have to watch out for because if this does happen then you will need to make a decision.

I'm really sorry that this has happened.

Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear RCR~

Thanks for coming back and talking more. I do hope that your wife does understand fully what she has done and is sincere in wanting things to be better.Her addressing her treatment will undoubtedly be a start.

I can understand your feelings, and I'm not sure anyone would know if they should persevere or make a break. Deciding in advance about infidelity is all well and good. When it actually happens things change, I'm not even sure it is a decision one can consciously make. Perhaps it is a question of keeping on going and seeing what happens.

Your boys are lucky to have you. Actually so is your wife.

Croix