Getting over an Epic Love - What a joke

[Tash93]

Hi Everyone,

I am not usually the type to seek comfort or support online however, since i have been trying to find different coping mechanisms, this is something i wanted to try.

Unfortunately, i have had 3 things happen to me in the last month which have caused me to spiral. Depression & Anxiety seem to be what i have gained out of the experience, according to professionals.

1. Relationship Breakdown (Main love)

Was in a relationship from a very young age (19). Was with my first love for 5 years, broken up for 2, but still in contact. During the 2 year break, we were seeing and speaking to eachother (rookie move) and we even tried again last year in June to be in a relationship. It lasted a whole 3 months before he kicked me aside again.

The relationship broke down because we were young, the trust was tested and he played the victim card. What i mean is, he always said i was in the wrong FOR EVERYTHING. If it rained, it was my fault. And i still loved him. Anyways, when i was overseas in November, he was sending me messages saying "Why can't i love again", "i miss you" etc. Sending me love songs. Flash to a month later, i'm back in Australia and he is in a relationship. With someone else! Who is the complete opposite to me! I'm shattered.

He keeps saying "Do you want me to be alone forever!" "You did this" "Your fault" "Don't you think sometimes i ask myself what im doing". Classic.

I always thought we would find our way to eachother. Make it through. I saw him as my soul mate, but i guess i wasn't his. Now i'm suffering everyday, thinking about him and this new girl.

The hardest part of losing love, is seeing them with someone else. That is true pain.

Along with that, when i was overseas i had a family health issue. My grandmother had a heart attack and i was the one who found her. I had to hold her head forward while she vomited all over herself. I had to lose a part of my childhood, seeing her suffer. And i have nightmares everyday.

It triggered this depression. Because all i can think about is the sadness i feel for her, myself and everything that happened to me last month.

Usually, my character is strong and i always manage to get myself through the hard times. In fact, everyone relies on me to give them advice, help them out...but lately i cannot seem to get myself out of this place.

I feel sad, angry, depressed, hopeless, confused, torn, stuck. STUCK. I feel all of those things and i can't seem to find joy in anything.

Help 😞

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Tash,

So sorry to hear about such a tough month for you. No wonder you are feeling so stuck.

Shock and grief can be such difficult things to process ...... I too have experienced love lost, and losing my Mum to cancer. And what happens is, or so a counselor once told me, is that our brains are like a finely tuned filing system when it comes to all the day-to-day normal stuff, but when it comes to any kind of trauma or shock or grief, it seems as though this new 'file' has nowhere to go and it becomes kind of 'dumped on the floor in the middle of the room' and is there for all to see and trip over, so to speak.

I know for me that when big things like that happen, I tend to feel as though it is suddenly tattooed all over my forehead, and even broadcast in flashing lights in front of me, and it's all I can do to try to see and/or work my day around it. And it's during these times that I need to remove and/or let go of all things that are unnecessary. Such as the friends that usually rely on me to help them ...... it's okay to say that you're up for that right now, and in fact perhaps need them to step up and allow you to rely on them. And keep things as simple as possible; just make sure you have a shower or bath each day, eat 3 healthy meals, aim to have a regular bed time .... and talk to those who will offer understanding and support, without asking for anything in return.

Grief and shock can come in waves. At times it's like high tide, there's debris everywhere and you're doing all you can just to keep your head above water ..... and then at other times, the tide is out, the water is calm and clear and you're confidently wading in the shallows. Dealing with grief and shock is a bit like learning to swim and surf all at once.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that it all takes time. Be gentle with yourself. Those feelings will pass in time, and will become less overpowering. Guess you just gotta learn to ride the waves .....

Anyway, hope that helps a little. Take care. xo

[Tash93]

WOW!

Thank you for sharing your experience and for giving me a new perspective. I am sorry you had to go through the same losses and grief.

The "filing system" metaphor is exactly what has happened. It seems my day to day coping mechanisms from the break down of my relationship were working fine, but one more file added (finding out about the new gf and also having that traumatic experience with my family member) and i spiraled. Big time.

I appreciate your advice and will definitely remember to be ok, not being ok. I think that is what i struggle with. Not being the person i usually am, who can see past the bad stuff. I just need time, and to take care of myself a little more.

Thank you again. You have definitely helped xxx