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Getting over a broken relationship

Community Member
I've been in a relationship for almost three years and at times it was a long distance relationship, which turned out to be easier than being together. We had been having problems for a few months now and he finally ended it. The break up has dragged on for a few weeks now and become worse and worse. Our relationship was pretty horrible towards the end and he said some things to me which I cant get out of my head. At the start he told me he needed space and then that he didn't want me anymore and I was better off without him. I am finding it difficult to get over him and keep trying to get him back, which is not healthy and he keeps hurting me every time I do. He was my best friend and partner and I lost all my other friends because of my dedication to him. I am finding it hard to make friends and move on. All I want to do is cry and feel that life is not worth living. I wish I had someone to support me and get me through this. I don't enjoy doing the things I used to love anymore. I am also struggling with the pressure of finding my first full time job. I am spending most of my time alone at home, dwelling on the relationship and all my problems. I know he wasn't good for me and that our relationship is ruined. He changed so much towards the end, becoming a different person and I feel like its all my fault. He was my first relationship and I keep wanting to text, call or go see him. Now he wont even answer my messages and I feel like I need to get everything off my chest and tell him goodbye. I don't know if its a good idea or whether I should leave it be and try to move on. I don't know what to do and I am getting really emotional and depressed. 
5 Replies 5

Community Member

Hi laura4

I know what you're going through. I'm quite a bit further into the break up though, it's been 10 months for me. I know how emotionally draining it is to try and keep a relationship together that just isn't working. It's devastating. When someone you love isn't the same person anymore, it feels like a death. Even though they are still there in front of you and you still love them. It's torture. I was on again off again with my ex, hoping he would change and things would go back to how they were when we fell in love, but I made the choice to leave when I knew my health was suffering and I didn't feel secure and looked after. 

If I could give any advice, I'd say- cry a lot, whenever you need to, you need to release this pain. I cry now a lot more than I thought I would but as time goes on i realise more and more that the break up happened for a reason and there is a happier life ahead. 

I would also say, don't contact him. As hard as it is, you need this time to heal. And at the end of the day if you were meant to be, you will someday be brought back together. But right now if you keep texting and calling it will only heighten your anxiety and cause you more pain. 

This is just from my experience and everyone handles break ups differently. Try and distract yourself with searching for a job, set a goal and create a new start for yourself. This is a perfect opportunity to start fresh, anything is possible. 

Amongst the sadness, try and find something positive each day. You will have your low moments but don't get dragged down by the depression. Do things for you! Even run a hot bath, paint your nails.. It's the small things that will get you through. 

Good Luck, you're not alone, people go through painful break ups all the time, I still struggle but I feel I'm on this path for some reason. You never know who will walk into your life, but for now, just get through each day and smile at the small things. 



Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi laura4,

I am sorry to hear all this, it is a sad time for you. Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am glad you have posted here and others will have advice and support.

It sounds like it could be a good time to 'leave it be and try to move on'. It is sad that it hasn't worked out and understandably you are emotional. With the fullness of time and understanding you will be able to move on from this and feel better and we are here to help you with this.

Some times I have to separate the parts of my life, maybe on paper, I put the important things in circles with spokes into ME in the center, I look at who I am, the things that are most important to me, family, career, home, nature, friends, music, spirituality, these are the things that make up me, I try to have plans and goals in each circle to ensure that these things are active and that I am on track. Now I try and keep these circles separate where possible, so for example if I am having a challenge in my family circle I don't let it draw energy from the other circles, I don't let a relationship issue stop me from jamming with my mates etc. This way I keep the most important parts of my life topped up even when some parts are challenged. I have circles that nothing can touch, there is always strength and purpose.

Find out who you really are, when you catch yourself 'dwelling on your relationships and problems' try and switch to dwelling on 'who am I?' You could try some slow breathing, meditation, find some calmness to reduce your emotion. With calmness you can replace the word 'problems' with 'challenges'. In the different parts of your life you can calmly develop goals and strategies that suit you and you can activate these plans to address your challenges. Then you can kick back, knowing that your plan is in action and that you are on the right track.

Hang in there mate, the grief will pass, love to you. 



Community Member
Hang in there laura4! My depressed hubby recently left me after 13 years, so I know the grief you're feeling. What Amali posted about letting yourself cry whenever you need to, is good advice. Bottling up your grief will not help you. Let your emotions out. Don't dwell on what YOU think you did wrong, or what you could've done. He has made you think it's all your fault....my hubby did that. No one is perfect and we can all do things that irritate our partners, but don't let yourself take blame for his behaviours. One other thing.....go easy on yourself. You have too much to process (finding a job, making friends, grieving) and unless you deal with one thing at a time, you'll be so overwhelmed, you won't be able to deal with anything. Jacks idea of circles is a good idea. Lists are great for me. Write down what you want and need right now. First on my list was talking to a psychologist. I'm still hurting and it's not easy, Take baby steps and you'll start to get through this.

Community Member

Hey laura4,

it sounds like you might need breathing space, and someone who will just be there and let you vent, i know sometimes it helps to turn the music up loud so it covers the sound of screaming and crying.

it might also help to realise that you can look in the mirror and know that you are beautiful and unique, and that you are strong, and youwill get through this. 

Best of luck

Community Member

Thank you to everyone for your support, suggestions and kind words. I know the relationship is not worth saving but I still have feelings for him. I think they will go in time because of the way he treated me. It wasn’t only my fault I know that now, it takes two to make a relationship. I don’t think I would ever be able to forgive him even if we did get back together. It’s hard to stop talking to him when there is no one to confide in. I really want to forget about this and move on but it’s so hard not to keep checking my phone. I do cry a lot now and I think it helps. I would like to start over I just don’t know how to at the moment.

I will try and do things for me; I enjoy swimming, films, music and dancing. I want to enjoy these things again. We talked every single day for almost three years; I would just like to go through one day without thinking of him. I am feeling anxiety and I am starting to get panic attacks. There is a tension in my chest which gives me trouble breathing properly. It is also affecting my sleeping and eating habits. I’m not sure how to fix this and the breathing exercises don’t seem to be helping because I am so stressed.

I started to consider the most important things to me like Jack suggested, as I do like writing lists. I wrote down all the things that are important to me and which make me happy. I would like to find the strength and purpose you have achieved. I do have quite a few challenges I need to overcome like the breakup and job seeking, but also with my family as my grandparents have had a car accident and my uncle is killing himself with poor life choices. Everything seems to go wrong at the same time which is frustrating. It’s hard to see the positives at such a difficult time.