Getting divorced - overwhelmed but happy

[Trade]

Past 3 weeks have decided to finally call it and request divorce. Husband who always promised to be civil suddenly turned nasty.
We had 12m counselling -14y Rship several kids several properties -many times trying counselling since just one year in.

being married to him was torture. emotional abuse and neglect.

He was always angry with me. Cold. I was very lonely. He hates sex I love it. No sex for 7 years. I’ve only just in the past few days realised I need a lawyer and he’s actually not the “nice guy” I always say he is to people. It’s a hard devastating time —- but I’ll get through it and have a brighter future.

im Trying to stop my mind racing. I have definite anxiety as anyone would about to lose not only their marriage and relationship of 14 years — but also their family and their home.

im Scared he’ll try to blindside me for kids. I stayed for so long for the kids sake and they are still young. IVF.

how Quickly my fear of him and thinking I can’t trust him has come to pass.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome. I hope I can give you some vision.

4 long term relationships, 2 marriages, the 2nd marriage has been wonderful and it's 11 years. My first marriage, 2 kids 7 and 4yo girls, broke my heart I had to leave, narcissistic abuse, silence, laziness, me working 3 jobs so she could be a stay at home mum. The abuse so bad, suicide attempt one week prior to leaving my home, neighbours, town and full time fatherhood. My fear- will she cause havoc with my visitation rights?

Well apart from her regularly demeaning my parenthood with ("but I'm the mother") eg I'm more the parent than you etc.

So, having said that, your apprehension is justified because the fact is, you will have to negotiate with him until the kids are 18yo. However, we should face our fears and not allow nastiness to control our lives.

You could try establishing an acceptable negotiable table once he's calmed down- Give him time. Highlighting how better for him, you and the kids the unfortunate situation can be made tolerable. "I might have separated with you but you're the father of our kids, I respect that, how about we try to get to a point whereby when the phone rings we look forward to chatting about our kids and how we can made it all easier than if we are still in conflict?"

You get the idea. The mother of my kids was the "talk to him if I had to" type. Our eldest at 12yo came to live with me. That meant child support stopped. Yep, she held that against me. Daughter left her as she was treated with same abuse I got. Silence for weeks. Poor kid. At 33yo now she suffers mentally for it.

There comes a time in our lives when we say, enough! So keep doing your best whether it's with communicating with him, creating a calm abuse free home, continuing being the great mum you are, but above all...remove all guilt from your brain.

Google

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

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Beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

Beyondblue topic meditation, he helped me for 25 years- maharaji

I hope I've helped. Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Trade, to finally make this decision yourself will benefit you in the long run, but at the moment it's about settling all your properties and a free way to do this is by contacting a mediator, who can discuss all of this together with the two of you and make a final decision, which is then handed over to a lawyer, who then drafts up a contract for you to sign, it's then taken to court, who look over the contract and adjust anything that's not right.

This can also involve the commitment to the kids, whether it's 50/50 and needs to be adhered to.

They are mediators and not necessarily counsellors as you have tried before or instead use your lawyer which can take time.

I've had someone close to me use a mediator and gone through this process and all of it turned out as they both wanted, something you can think over.

Ending a marriage which turned out to be different to what you expected, is never easy to cope with, as I've been through this myself, but still it's not pleasant, except when you feel it's the right decision.

Try and believe your kids will understand what is happening and why, and when you show them the love you have for them, they will appreciate your position, because the true character of your husband will be revealed, which he won't be able to hide.

Hope to hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.