Gaining trust back from my partner?

[bobbie22]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now. We met in November when I started working for the same company as him and hit it off straight away. At this point in time I had been on 2 dates with another guy but it was just me putting myself out there after lockdown and making the most of being single. A week or so after meeting the guy at work, I had a very out of character weekend - I went home with a guy who I met at a club and we had sex. And then two days later, I went on a 3rd date with the guy mentioned above and had sex with him as well. I felt so gross with myself after doing this. For context, before that weekend, I'd only slept with 2 other guys over 5 years. As I said, it was super out of character for me, but I was single and shrugged it off and tried to forget about it. 

During this time I was being flirty with the guy at work, having no idea he liked me back. I would talk to my friends about him and how I had the BIGGEST crush, but I wasn't sure what his deal was (if he felt the same, if he was seeing someone else, etc.) I didn’t want to assume. A few days after that weekend, I heard rumours that he liked me back so I messaged that guy I was kind of seeing telling him that I felt no connection and didn’t want to take it any further. We started messaging and he confirmed that he liked me, and then at the work xmas party a few weeks later, we kissed, and after this we became exclusive and started dating straight away.

The problem is, I hadn't mentioned those 2 sexual encounters to him until it somehow came up in conversation a few days ago. We try not to bring up exes etc. as it makes us both uneasy so I thought it best not to tell him. Ever since then he has shut me out, saying "needs time to figure this out” and is doubting if he can trust me. He thinks our whole relationship is "built on a foundation of lies" and that he doesn't know who I am anymore - “The you I know wouldn’t have done that.” He says that the moment he saw me he knew I was the one and is upset that we weren’t on the same page for the first few weeks (which we were, I just happened to have an out of character weekend which I now regret).

It has been 3 days since he found out and I don't know what to do. He won’t speak to me or meet in person to talk about it. I know I should give him some space but I just want the chance to make things right. Any advice greatly appreciated. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi bobbie22,

Welcome to our friendly online community. We are so grateful that you decided to reach out here today as we know it can be really tough to do this for the first time.  We’re sorry to hear what you’ve been going through with your relationship. We’re glad you could share this here. In a healthy relationship, you should be communicated with and treated with respect, so it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how you’ve been treated by your partner. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.
 
It's also really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.  Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members once they spot your thread. We appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this difficult time.   Hopefully a few of our welcoming community members will pop by soon to welcome you and offer some words of support and advice. 

[nskye]

Hi bobbie22,

As Sophie_M mentioned, welcome to our forum and thank you for sharing your story  ˚◞♡

Viewing your story from a third side, I can see from both your and your partner’s sides. From my understanding, you and your partner weren’t together when you were with the other two guys. I think he shouldn’t guilt you for things that happened before your relationship. Even though he might have thought you both were on the same page, you weren’t officially dating, so whatever happened, there shouldn’t be a reason for your partner to judge your character or have doubts. It seems that your partner might have trust issues, and I was wondering if you know whether he has had a past relationship experience that might make him feel more anxious about this? Since you guys have been together for eight months, I believe that he should know who you are by now from the time being together and appreciate you for being honest with him about something you could have hidden away from him. I am so sorry that this is happening to you!

My advice is to take this time for yourself to think of what you truly want in a partner and be patient with your partner at the same time. Let him have some time to digest the information and process his emotions. When he is ready to talk, you two can then have an honest and open conversation to discuss this issue and what you expect from each other moving forward to improve the situation. Please know that we can’t control what other people choose to think or do, but we can choose our actions, and in this case, I don’t think it is fair of your partner to shut you out, although I understand that it might be difficult for him to deal with it because of his struggles. Just be yourself, be genuine, and show your partner that no matter what happens, you are in this together, and you care about him; reassure him that what happened does not identify you or your relationship. If he won’t be understanding of you, continue to doubt or say hurtful things to you, or even agree to resolve but keep a distance from you, maybe you should also reconsider this relationship, and I know it is hard to hear considering you care about him a lot to seek for advice. Still, it is not a healthy relationship if both partners don’t be open to communicating and willing to work together!

I hope everything will work out for you xx

Take care,

n

[geoff]

Hello Bobbie, the other two occasions you were intimate with other people happened at the spur of the moment, but as soon as you tell someone who is deeply interested in you about these, then suddenly they lose a sense that you belong with them, this is completely understandable, because no one wants to know about past romances, because right now they mean nothing to your new partner and he doesn't want to hear about this, just as you wouldn't want to hear about his past love life, this drives a huge wedge in the relationship.

May be you could contact him and say that this will never happen again and, hey, want to see a movie tonight.

Don't let this relationship drift away, we all make mistakes, that's how we learn and develop a strong connection.

You will need to talk with him, approach him with that cute smile, he won't be able to resist that.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Duesentrieb]

Bad timing but you are adults and both of you should know that you have a past. Anything else is unrealistic. Give him some space, keep the door open, if you want show him that you wait for him to come clean. Maybe do stuff for you in the meantime, see friends, do what you like, etc.

All the best...