Flaky friends, or am I over- invested?

[Nervybella]

Hi all

Havent posted here for a while.
I’m feeling pretty sad about a recent situation.

I have a friend (been close friends for over 20 years). We catch up semi regularly and I would say have a good relationship.
however...

this friend often cancels or changes plans on me last minute and for seemingly poor reasons. Latest example:

due to meet for dinner at 6pm. It’s 5:30 so I am dressed and ready to meet up. Get a text to say “mum needs my help with something at home so can we meet at 9pm instead”. I answer and say sorry but no, I have work tomorrow to that’s too late for me... so we plan to reschedule another day

I can’t help but feel like I am more invested in this relationship. If I say I’ll do something, meet someone etc I keep my word. Doesn’t having plans mean you don’t then take on another plan with someone else? Do you ditch the plan because something better comes up?

Id love to know if anyone else has had friends like this and if so, what have you done?
im not a confrontational person but really feeling like something needs to be said...

best

Bella

[smallwolf]

Hi,

I will just throw my thoughts out there after reading your post a couple of times. While I have not been in your situation that you have mentioned I have an idea that might help (see below). But I have also been the one to cancel because of depression or anxiety. Not to say your friend has either...

One of my issues was/is that I would not tell anyone what was troubling me. There were/are various reasons for this. Over time my psychologist gave me tasks and homework to do. For example, explaining the situation to my boss or seeing what happens if I rock the boat in conversations. That is, being me.

So how does this relate to you?

Your friend cancels on you on a regular basis it seems. There is nothing wrong in asking your friend to explain themselves - nicely, that is. And the effect that it has on you. Better to talk in terms of "I" vs "you" which could put them on the defensive. After all, you only want to work out a way forward in this matter.

Peace to you,

Tim

[Juliet_84]

Hi NervyBella,

I have a confession to make, I am also a flaky friend 🙋‍♀️ I don’t mean to be and I love my friends, but I don’t catch up with them as often as I should, when I do catch up I only like it to be for a few hours, and sometimes I cancel without much notice. It has nothing to do with them, I am quite an introverted person and can only handle seeing people infrequently. If I have one to two catch-ups in a weekend, I start to feel anxious and don’t cope with it really well. Like everyone else, life also gets in the way and I’m often tired after work and just don’t feel like catching up.

I have lost some friends over the year due to this and lost tough. But the friends that I do have are the ones that are understanding that this is how I am and are probably a bit similar and appreciate a friend who understands that they have things going on. I think, like relationships, you need to find people that are a similar communication style to you and will match your investment. But I don’t think you should take it personally as it likely has nothing to do with you.