Finding closure and moving forward after infidelity

[newstart89]

I recently found out that my ex fiancé (partner of 10 years) was having an affair. We have parted ways, however I am struggling to find closure and move forward. He refuses to discuss the topic, and has also said that he is not sorry for what he has done. I am completely devasted. We have been together since I was 18. It not only feels like I have lost my soul mate but also my identity.

At the time we were going through a rough patch – however I never believed he would ever cheat or have an affair. He said that he had been unhappy for several years (although never discussed this with me). During these years we also purchased our home, and he proposed a year ago. He has said he thought doing these things would “fix” the relationship. I was unaware he was unhappy and this obviously sent different signals to me.

While still caring (and possibly loving him), I am also concerned for his own mental state. The affair began with him signing up to a dating site with a false identity, false life and false photos (unfortunately this isn’t the first occurrence he has falsified his identity). A few months into the online affair he identified his true self to her, and begged for her forgiveness. Since then they have been on several dates, weekends away etc. Promising to show her that he can care and look after her. When I found out about the affair he refused to discuss anything with me. Simply making the decision to leave our relationship of 10 years and pursue the affair (she is 18 and he is 30). This further confuses me as he said he did genuially want to work on our relationship but also said he would have never told me about the affair if things worked out. I have tossed back and forth between fixing our relationship, however I believe too much trust has been lost.

I can’t find closure because ultimately I want to understand what drove him to this point. I want to understand why he never spoke to me about these feelings. I know from previous discussions that he morally is against cheating – so I cant understand what has occurred. I’m concerned that he isn’t in a good mental state either, however he won’t speak to family or friends. I moved interstate to be with my family, however I’ve now lost my soul mate, my job, my home and friends. I’m not sure how to move forward and literally restart my life.

Ultimately I am looking for some advice on how to move forward, when closure is unlikely.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I can relate totally. In 1996 after 11 years marriage of emotional abuse I left the family home after my attempted suicide. I lost my full time fatherhood 7 & 4yo, home, town, neighbours and dog. I could afford to buy a 10ft 20yo caravan...devastated. But free. Initially my sole goal, to be the best part time dad as possible.

For 8 weeks I was grieving then it all changed overnight...I found an opening to a new life, a new direction. I saw a block of land. This meant I could build my own home. And I did. 12 months later I moved in.

What that taught me was-we find it harder to accept our relationship is over if we dwell on the why's, the what if's and the dishonesty/deceit.

For example, he stated he has been "unhappy for a long time"...yet, he proposed a year ago. He's changed his identity for a means to an end and he doesnt believe in cheating-but does!

Those facts would be enough to cause you to dwell on him for some time. (By the way to say he's been unhappy for some time I think is a smoke screen to him just wanting what he wanted. It also puts his unhappiness onto you as being partially responsible. That can cause guilt)

So, distraction, hobbies, friends, sports and dating when ready. Soon you'll be more optimistic and enjoy going out.

By the way, I remarried to my best friend. I knew her for 25 years then in 2011. So happy, no emotional games, no silence being used as a weapon and ...well she is just right.

You can find a new life. Trying to figure out why he did what he did will cause more grief.

You deserve better. You didnt do wrong.

Google

Beyondblue Topic the best praise you'll ever get

Beyondblue Topic who cries over spilt milk?

Beyondblue Topic guilt the tormentor

Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear newstart89~

TonyWK is quite right, trying and trying to find the reasons for a failed relationship is not going to help.

I'm sure you already know the reasons.

Your ex is a dishonest person, he lied to you - and his new girlfriend - and used some other false identity you mention.

Despite his words he is not 'morally against' cheating and relies upon being able to talk his way out of his lies, and gives up if he can't.

He feels no remorse for the pain he has caused.

He has no regard for consequences, offering to marry you when he knew perfectly well he was not prepared to enter a whole-hearted relationship.

I'm sorry. Some people simply do not want the sort of stable and loving relationship you are so capable of providing, but just have to keep feeding their ego by new conquests.

There are many warm-hearted honest and fun people out there, I have been lucky enough to find one, and when she passed away after over 20 years found another.

As Tony says please try to use distraction, activity and even a social life. I'm glad you are with your family, but really sorry your employment and freinds remain behind.

You are welcome to talk here anytime.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Newstart89, a warm welcome to the site and thanks for posting your comment.

Tony and Croix have made good replies with different ideas to think about.

The comments that he is against cheating have been another lie, there is nothing that he says you can believe, and I'm sure he is doing exactly the same with his 18 year girlfriend, again leading her a stray and eventually the same situation will occur.

There is another part of this grief that you are unaware of and perhaps it's what you are going to do now and in the future, deciding on the house is going to be tough, plus there maybe other financial arrangements that need to be sorted out, get someone else to deal with these.

We have our own ideas about what life is supposed to be like but when it doesn't go the way we had expected, we believe there is no other way to overcome this, but there are other new ways we hadn't considered before.

Take care.

Best wishes.

Geoff.