Finally accepting my husband has a porn addiction

[Rzhao]

I’ve always known that he looks at porn every now and then, and we’ve had talks about it and then just tried to pretend it isn’t a thing. This worked and we would be able to live our lives as if it wasn’t a thing for periods at a time. Then the problem would resurface again and again. Just recently I have finally realised that it’s an actual addiction for him. He tried really hard to go without it but the longest he could go was a week, and that was a “victory” for him. I always thought he looked at it maybe once a month or less.. mainly because just after I had the baby we couldn’t have sex. But I wasn’t aware he was actually addicted and looked at it at least a few times a week all along.

I’m really struggling this time, I’ve cried all night. Am I overreacting? Our baby is 6 months old too so maybe I’m just exhausted and a being irrational but I know this can’t just be in my head.. and I am not comfortable with porn in our relationship. my husband has always said he isn’t proud of it either. And he wants to stop using it. But after saying this so many times it doesn’t mean much to me.. I’m starting to just think he just says that like an addict. I’m so confused because he genuinely seems to feel so bad about it and understand that it negatively affects me and our marriage. Yet he continues or use it. Is it suggestive of how much he values us? Because he’s willing to continue harming our relationship?

[Quercus]

Hi Rzhao and welcome to the forums.

First of all congratulations on your new family member. Porn issue aside how are you feeling within yourself? Have you had much support since the baby arrived?

I don't think you're being irrational. You have made your feelings clear to your husband... You feel uncomfortable with porn. And that's a valid feeling.

I wonder (just because the thought came to me reading your post) what do you expect him to replace the urges with? If he's used porn as a replacement while you were unable to have sex and has kept watching because he enjoys it... Have you thought about what you would like him to replace his use of porn with? I find it hard to imagine stopping without a different outlet.

Maybe that is the conversation to have. What is something you are both comfortable with? Is it the issue with porn that it has other women... Then would you give him photos/video of you? Is it the fact he satisfies himself and then doesn't try with you? Then put bub to bed and make time for intimacy. Obviously these questions are just for you to think about. I don't expect a reply.

If you can't find a compromise then maybe an appointment for you both with a sex therapist is a good idea.

I hope you are able to find a balance between the needs of both of you.

Nat

[Guest_7403]

I'll play devils advocate here...

I personally don't see looking at it a few times a week an addiction. For some its a quick relief from a stressful day, some find enjoyment from it. Aslong as hes faithful to you and doesnt push you into anything i dont see it to be a bad thing

[Just Sara]

Dear Rzhao;

It must've taken a lot of courage to reach out to us here on BB forum. So kudos! I read panic in your words and understand completely. Please don't question your instincts ok. If not addressed quickly, your relationship may suffer irreversibly.

Having access to 24/7 porn creates temptation; unfortunately it's a fact of life now so we find ourselves having to combat this online menace blindly not knowing where to turn.

Watching porn's the easy life. Marriage is hard and requires real work to develop into a productive and comfortable future lifestyle. Like any enjoyable avoidance, it 'gets in' creating pathways in the brain that become 'fixed', and with this, addiction (to feel-good hormones) follows.

Resisting temptation like porn isn't an easy exercise and requires support from a professional. Don't take this on as your problem ok, it's his to deal with. I suggest you let your husband know how it affects you, as he might find it unpleasant enough to seek help.

I wish you luck hun. You deserve better and so does your new baby.

Kind regards;

Sez

Hi Theborderline;

It's unfortunate you found standing up for Rzhao's husband more appealing than addressing her concerns as a worried and dedicated wife.

Using sexual gratification for relaxation might be ok for some men, but focusing on other women in porn to do it is a dysfunctional (and dangerous) habit, and has no place in a marriage.

Everyone has their opinions and I respect that. I just don't agree with you at this time or place.

Respectfully;

Sez

[Rzhao]

Thank you for your replies. I’ve been trying to talk to him about a solution. He wants to sop using porn and I want to be able to help him, but he gets very upset whenever I try to bring up the topic.

He does have some photos of me, but he doesn’t use them. He said they’re old now and might use some new ones. I understand that but I am quite uncomfortable with providing so many photos of myself like that. Things are so easily hacked and leaked on the internet I just don’t feel comfortable giving any more.

On his suggestion, I have agreed to try and make sure we have sex at least 4-5 times a week. But this is putting a lot of the burden on me. I tried to ask him what he would do on his part, say if we failed to have enough sex one week, and he got really worked up and said he would ‘just try not to use it’ or go bang his head against a wall and told me that this was indeed my problem, and I had made it into my problem.

I’m really confused. I didn’t even judge the porn use in that conversation, I understand that an addiction takes time to stop, and in the meantime he would still use it. But he got so hostile. The other thing that makes this so hard is that I have no one to talk to... I can’t talk to any family or friends because I don’t want to expose my husband. It’s so difficult no one to talk to. I think this forum helps though.

[Juliet_84]

Hi theborderline,

I think the problem is that Rhzao was under the impression her husband was using porn a lot less, and therefore thought it was a lot less of an issue than it obviously is. Whether you personally think it doesn’t qualify as an addiction is neither here nor there. It is causing her distress, and he seems unable to stop, which is concerning. I can certainly understand where she is coming from, particularly given that she has had a new baby and is feeling particularly vulnerable at this time. I also don’t think a situation where she is essentially held hostage to provide him with sex 4-5 times a week in an attempt to try and prevent him from looking at porn is particularly feasible for either party. I think relationship counseling or individual counseling would be helpful in this instance.

[Quercus]

Hi Rzhao,

Wow your last post worried me a bit. Hostility and pressure don't really work well with sex in my experience.

The comment he made about banging his head is not fair or right in my mind. How is him threatening to hurt himself meant to help you want to be intimate with him?

Have you tried mentioning this to him? That the pressure and anger he's showing is a bit threatening? And a turn off to boot perhaps.

Another thought... Where is your incentive?? Ok so he wants sex 4 to 5 times a week. That's doable even without a high sex drive. On one condition... That it is pleasurable for both parties.

Hubby and I did a two week sex daily experiment once and it was awesome. But the reality is we both had to work a little harder. Try harder to make the other want more. And there were still days neither of us could be bothered.

So where is his effort to make you want sex?? If my husband threw threats like that at me to be completely frank I'd tell him to have a nice time with his porn and himself for company until he treats me as a person and not just a body he has a right to use.

I don't mind porn. But what I don't like is how it can encourage the view that women's bodies are to be used. Creepy even on film let alone trying to have that in a relationship.

What do you think about setting him a challenge that makes him realise you are a person with needs of your own?

Saying you understand he wants more sex and you're willing to try. But he is going to have to try toom because you're more likely to want more if he takes the time to make it fun for you. Then take him shopping online to show him anything you would like to try. Surely you should get some sexy underwear or something for you as part of the agreement?

Please feel free to disregard anything or all of what I just wrote. Or report it if it makes you uncomfortable ok? I'm just giving ideas that helped me.

Nat

[Just Sara]

Hi again Rzhao;

I'm so glad you came back hun. You always have someone here to talk to. Deciding to open up to family or friends wouldn't be easy. Is there anyone outside your circle that's 'your' friend and not part of your marriage connections?

What I'm reading is about appeasing an addiction, not taking care of your own values, needs and desires. You're not just a wife, you're a mother of a new baby and an individual woman.

Both Nat and Juliet make very good points re your husband's intent of not valuing or honouring your body. His overly childish behaviour is A Typical of an addict; he's ill and not rational. Addictive behaviour includes skilled manipulation to get their 'fix' any way they can. It's a very selfish 'urge' going beyond normal limits.

Pandering to this behaviour 'enables' the addicted person. It sounds to me that a professional sex therapist is a very good option at this point. You can't negotiate with him ok, this still empowers his addictive pursuits.

Loving someone doesn't mean you have to belittle or degrade yourself. By using photo's of you as stimulus, your body becomes an inanimate 'object', not at all personal or intimate. These requests, to me, are red flags!

Please visit your GP and ask for help. Waiting and trying to negotiate, thinking you can fix things from the privacy of your marriage may cause you more grief than it's worth.

Useful links;

https://www.sexaddictionaustralia.com.au/sexual-addictions.html

https://www.australiacounselling.com.au/symptoms-treatment-pornography-addiction/

http://societyaustraliansexologists.org.au/find-an-accredited-psychosexual-therapist/

I reiterate; it's not your problem, it's his. Who's protecting you? It's supposed to be him, but he's not in his right mind; he's obsessed and driven by self deluded and dysfunctional thinking. I know this sounds harsh, but I'm only thinking of your well being and that of your family unit.

Porn addiction is no different to gambling or alcohol. It's all about the brain, not will power. I'm sorry if I've upset you, I really am.

I know you feel trapped and confused Rzhao. You love your husband undoubtedly and want to keep your marriage intact. I admire your courage and conviction hun. Please take care and let us know how things travel.

Gentle and kind thoughts;

Sez